You Can't Rush Healing

I've been baring my naked soul on here, in my books, on my podcast, other websites for years now. All of which have documented my healing journey over the last 5 years. And while I'm happy to share my story in hopes of helping others and will continue to do so. I had a thought last night that struck me. "You've been healing for 5 years now shouldn't you be done? you have an associates degree, you're close to getting a bachelors, you've done all this work....why aren't you done?"

This thought initially made me mad, because while all of those things are in fact true! And while I'm beyond proud of myself for having a college degree and getting another. And while i have done ALOT of work on myself. It does sting that i'm still not fully healed. I mean i've read all the books, gone to therapy, wrote books, started a podcast, done all this stuff to heal and hopefully help other people and i'm still not fully there. WHAT AM I NOT SEEING? is there some big neon sign above my head telling me what i need to do next? is there some big lesson staring me in the face that i haven't learned yet. WHAT AM I NOT DOING? Why haven't I accomplished it yet? What am I doing wrong?

And then after my 50,000th re-read of Eat Pray Love (yes i said 50,000) I've read it that many times over the years! I love love love it! I realized something very simple and factual. Just plain and simple, no fuss. Just simple. It's okay, Healing is never ending. Healing is never ending. That's right. No matter how much work i've done and no matter how much i've changed and no matter how much time has passed. I will forever be healing. And that's okay! In fact it's more then okay. It's actually beautiful. And while the huge, catastrophy that was my life in 2020 is over and done with. (Thank god) And while in fact i am an entirely different person. We all have things to navigate on the daily and things to work on and things to heal from.

It's never a linear process, healing. We are constantly healing from something. But one thing I will NEVER do is dwell on the past. I don't want what i had. I want better and while sometimes i wish i could just skip to the good part. The part where i get the degree i'm currently working on, work remotely from my bed doing whatever it is i'm called to do, and have a husband and a tiny house. That part. The part where i can finally breathe and not feel like I'm constantly finding some new lesson or running from someone or something. The part where it all makes sense. The part where i finally understand why everything happened the way it did. the part where i can finally cry tears of joy and be happy with someone who won't abuse me on the daily. The part where i can look back at all this and understand why it happended.

There are days where i'm so mad like last night and feel like an absolute failure. There are days where i wish i wasn't neurodivergent and was actually normal. I wish i was married (sometimes) to a good man. Not what i've had in the past. But a GOOD Man. who gives me what i deserve and more. But sadly like i said healing isn't linear. Someday i'll be done healing. And it won't be mine anymore.