“Women Don’t Know How to Take a Compliment These Days”

“Women can’t take a compliment these days.”

“Everything is so over-the-top PC that I can’t even give a woman a compliment without being told I’m a creep.”

“I just gave her a compliment and she freaked out.”

I have heard countless variations of the above expressed by men. Some of these men were creepy, but some were regular, decent, (albeit confused) guys. Yes, things are more PC these days. But, much more so, women are simply no longer afraid to express the same feelings that they’ve had for generations.

If you are a man reading this, this article isn’t filled with anger towards men. It’s truly an explanation of the real reasons women might be cringing at the compliment you thought you gave. Some of the explanations will feel very obvious to the women reading this, but, interestingly, many of my male acquaintances had not considered them before.

LEVEL OF AQUAINTANCE

Many men don’t seem to consider what level of acquaintance they have with a woman when interacting with her. This is not just a “compliment issue”. It’s also a repeated issue in many other realms, most notably in online dating. The famed “dick pick” is famous for a reason. Yes, women do like penises. And they might even very much enjoy your penis. However, you will never find that out if you chuck it in their face online, when you’ve never even had coffee with the woman. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been having some great chats. You could be a serial killer posing as the nice-guy-next-door, for all she knows. Anything is possible online. Women are more than happy to see all parts of a man’s body if it’s a man they really like and feel safe with, not if that man is a relative stranger.

Take that same mentality when giving compliments.

If my husband tells me crudely that my “tits look great in that top”, it’ll probably turn me on. If my work colleague were to do that I’d probably file a sexual harassment complaint. That is an extreme example, however, I’ve experienced many men giving many compliments that are inappropriate to the level of acquaintance they have with a woman.

If you do not have a pre-existing, romantic relationship with a woman, do not give her compliments that can be sexually construed, such as any compliment that references the woman’s body. If you’ve already made out a couple times with a woman, sure, you can tell her “That skirt makes your legs/ass/hips look great.” or “that skirt fits you amazing.” But, if you are just work friends with a woman, that compliment should be rephrased along the lines of “That’s a very pretty skirt. I love the design”.

In simple terms, think of compliments like movie ratings. If you have an R-rated relationship with a woman, feel free to give her R-rated compliments. If it’s a PG13 relationship, give PG13 compliments, and if it’s a Disney-family-friendly relationship, keep your compliments as such.

TONE

“But, I just said to her that her shirt is nice.”

Did you? Or did you say to her “Your shiiiiiirt is niiiiiceeee,” with your voice sounding like you were having an orgasm in your pants while you were speaking?

Do you think I’m over-exaggerating? I’m not. I have had countless men speak to me, sounding like they were masturbating while they were speaking.

So, this one is simple. Don’t sound like that.

Your tone of your voice when giving a woman a compliment should sound the same as if you were giving YOUR MOM that same compliment.

Exception to the rule: you already have that pre-existing R-rated relationship with the woman. If your relationship with the woman is anything below R-rated, mom-tone for compliments. No woman wants to wonder if you are having a happy ending in your pants while you are talking to her — unless she’s already given you happy endings herself.

SITUATION

Men who are not dangerous often do not realize/understand that most women have had interactions with men who are either plain dangerous, or minimally off-kilter. Whether it’s the creep following us home after work, the ex-boyfriend who threatened us, or the guy who tried to grope us at a busy bar. It’s happened to all women. So, safety is ALWAYS in the back of our minds.

With that in mind, ask yourself: is the situation in which I am complimenting a woman making her feel unsafe with me?

There is a huge difference between a colleague telling me I look great, while we are having lunch with a group of other colleagues, and that same colleague cornering me in an empty, desolate hallway to start discussing how good I look that day. There's also a huge difference between a man I've never met politely telling me my dress is pretty in a store and then moving on to continue his shopping, versus that same man following me around the mall after complimenting me, when I've given no indication that I want to continue a conversation with him. ANY following of a woman you don't know after complimenting her is terrifying.

TRANSACTIONAL EXPECTATIONS

Last, but highly important.

Have you noticed that when a woman gives another woman a compliment, they often seem far more excited about receiving said compliment than if they were to receive that same compliment from a man?

That’s because when women compliment each other they do so without transactional expectations.

“I love your hair” means “damn, your hair looks great.”

“That’s an awesome skirt” means “I love that skirt.”

The end.

Unfortunately, many men still often have transactional expectations in their interactions with women.

We all know the old-school expectation of “I bought her dinner, so she has to go home with me.”

While this particular expectation is (thankfully) no longer acceptable, it still exists, in a less obvious manner. Far too many men compliment a woman, expecting something to develop with that woman if she accepts the compliment. When she doesn’t fulfil that expectation these men become resentful and rude, often behaving like the victims of fraud.

For example, Bob says to Betty,

“You look really nice today.”

Betty feels happy and appreciative of the compliment and responds,

“Thank you so much Bob.”

Bob follows up with,

“We should have dinner.”

Betty never thought of Bob that way. She was just appreciative of his compliment, and she responds with,

“No, I don’t think so, Bob. I’m sorry.”

Now, Bob goes and tells his friends that Betty is a Big-B, and that she flirted with him and totally led him on.

A compliment could lead to something more. But, it could not. It’s just a compliment and a polite acceptance of it. You can have hopes, but not expectations.

Remember that the definition of a kind person is someone who displays kindness when they have nothing to gain from it. A person who only displays kindness when they think they can get something back, is not kind. They are a greasy politician.

Many women can smell a greasy politician from a distance and will not respond positively to a compliment if they suspect it’s coming from one.

So, on a final note:

When complimenting a woman, only do so if your compliment is coming from a place of kindness and honesty, and isn’t you impersonating a greasy politician.

Original published on Medium