Woman. Black Woman.

Whew! Being a sista in America is tiring. It will make you question yourself, like, "Is that me?". Yes bitch, that's you. All of it is you. We go from telling it like it is with a relaxed tongue sitting amongst our friends and family. To demonstrating sternness and eloquence with our children at home, to pomp, grammatical correctness, and enunciation at work. And then some. And don't mix them up. Especially don't take the other two facets to work. You know there we are seen as one dimensional creatures. Show one of those other sides you'll get yourself fired lol. No, but seriously. In America, a place that wants to define us so bad and put us in a box, during such turbulent times, I find myself questioning a lot, filtering more. When I watch the news and scroll through social media I become overwhelmed with so many emotions. It make me just want to put it all down and block it out. I'm tired. There are things that I am glad are being said and acknowledged, but still know that nothing is going to change. There are things being said that I don't agree with and hate that they attempt to represent us all. I make a conscious effort to not let what is playing out in the media stay to long in my head. I make sure it doesn't effect the way I treat people from day to day. Using my faith to keep myself grounded, I still have to show up and be a functioning member of society, a wife, a mother, a social worker. All these roles cause me to have to filter and even suppress me (to a certain extent) to show up and be present for others. This is a catch 22. Because part of me reducing my own stress and living my own truth, and being myself is literally not allowed 100% in any of the roles that monopolize most of my time. My roles are full of compromise, and poise, and being a helper and being supportive, and just showing up for others. I can't get away from it. I've learned to balance it but I get tired. I need a break. I need to check out. As I type its like most of it applies to all women, not just African American, but the guise of race puts a spin on it. All of those roles change when I put "black" in front of them. Black mother, black wife, black social worker, black member of society. It adds extra talks, extra environmental stressors, extra self awareness, extra filtering. Extra mindfulness. Its a lot of extra stress. Extra Pressure. To perform, to get it right. To protect. We never get to turn it off ladies. Except with each other. I know when I see you with your friends dressed down, using slang, rapping your favorite song that it doesn't mean you're not smart, college educated, or a great mom. I understand that, that same woman will be in dress pants and pumps conducting a meeting downtown tomorrow. I know when I see you out with your kid(s) alone it doesn't mean that you don't have a husband or supportive partner at home preparing for your return. I understand that, that same woman is on Tik Tok doing the Buss It Challenge after she puts those same kids to bed that night. And it doesn't take anything from her. It doesn't define her. Its just one facet.