Constant Favored
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This is a place I created to just talk, or think out loud, maybe even vent. Not sure. We'll see.
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MC
My grandmother died. I loved her. This sounds like a weird thing to write after making such a statement but I did not know her as well as I would have liked to. She is my fathers mother. My parents divorced when I was a toddler, and contact with him was not consistent growing up. As a matter of fact we cultivated more of a relationship once I was an adult (and that still wasn't much). I would talk to his mother on the phone regularly as an adult. There was a period where I would try and visit her regularly but it didn't last long. We'd talk about education, real estate. When I was in my Masters program I had to interview a family member. I chose her. I was very interested in her life. I think most of that curiosity came from not being close to that side of my family, and really trying to figure out more about myself. When she told me about her life it gave me a lot of understanding about her, and why she was how she was. She was married all of her adult life. Had eight children. She didn't learn to drive until her husband, my grandfather died. She would always tell me that I was doing so good. To keep going to school and to not get married or have children lol. I always thought this was funny. Never knew why that was her stance until later. I couldn't imagine having eight children. Then being black, in the south, in the pre civil rights era in America, with a man exhibiting such behavior....I probably tell my granddaughter the same thing. She was a very smart woman. A strong woman. She played chess and not checkers so to speak. She helped him run his business. They say the only Black owned one in the area at that time. She did the books. I do have memories of walking in there with my mom. I still remember the way it smelled. Like oil, metal. I would ask for candy and change to go to the vending machine. There was also a candy store across the street that sold the stalest candy. But I was happy to get it. As much as I would like to make this longer, I don't have anything else to say. Because once again, I didn't know her as well as I would of had liked. But I was still very emotional. Very sad. I cried. I prayed. I talked with my brother and sister to support them, for them to support me. I soul searched. Trying to figure out if I was crying and sad just because someone died, or because someone I cared for and loved died. I've cried when people I don't even know have died. Because death is sad. But she was the one person on my fathers side I had the most conversations with. I guess what she represented to me is half of me. The half of me..... the connection to a side of me I'm not familiar with. I think most wonder sometimes why they are a certain way, or where particular characteristics came from. That type of validation can be helpful to your mind...your identity. My contact with her as a young woman validated that that part of me was there and functional.....somehow. I have to also admit it gave me a false sense of connection to that side of my family. It felt good to at least pretend it was there. Felt good to my heart. It felt good to my pride. Her death made me look at that. Process that and what I had propped it up in my mind to be. And tear it down. She was always nice to me. What she did share with me about her life helped me. Reflecting on it, now that I'm older I understand alot more. Thanks Grandmama Cain.
By Constant Favored 5 years ago in Families
Fresh Start
2021. Wow. For this year I decided to truly allow my inner creative side to come out. As a social worker I have always been big on healing, boundaries, yadda yadda ya. I have walked through the path I have sent my clients on. Examining childhood trauma and life experiences. Reinforcing boundaries, creating healthy relationships that are reciprocal. Making sure not to just pour into others, but making sure I have people around that can pour back into me (no energy vampires!). What we don't realize is if you haven't done this type of work, there is a lot of you in there that is untapped. That you haven't even seen. So much of our true personalities never see the light of day because of the protective measures and mask we've worn to stablize our environments for others. Filling in the gaps to be what others needed, before we had developed into who we really were. Those components have been too busy masquerading in other forms to meet others needs. Taking us on tangents away from out true purpose, sometimes so far that we never get back to them. We never know what was there before the world got to us. This was definitely me. I thank God he allowed me to go through somethings, and make some changes, and I didn't let go of Him. Now...I can get back to me. I have always been pretty protective of my creative side. Never really exposed it to anyone. Everything about my life and job. I have always operated so much in the analytical, my creative side never got to be nurtured...grow. It has flourished and grown since I have done the previously mentioned work (and ofcourse there is always more to do). Its when you do those things that your true self can emerge. It also caused me to be less afraid and less self conscience. I just began to step out and do. So this year I created Prayer Paper. Its a decorative paper (its was on Etsy) etched in the promises of God with scriptures on what he says about answering our prayers. On this I began to write down the true desires of my heart. For my life, my daughter, my family. This paper and the physical writing out of these prayers helped pull out other things I didn't realize were there, or connected. But I didn't get to them until I started writing. Things I wanted to work on, be healed from. Then, once I did that I finished up a writing I had been working on about marriage, and everything I have learned so far in mine. Now, I had been working on this for a while, kind of like a private journal. But this year I had the courage to step out and get it published. I did it. I sold a few. But neither was about the sales. It was about stepping out and being myself. About exposing myself, and not caring about how it would be received. It was very liberating. Then I started writing here on Vocal. I wouldn't have dreamed about blogging my thoughts where people could read them in the past. I wanted a free space to express myself and my thoughts with no rules. Just wanted to type and let it flow and see what comes out. I just decided to start putting it all out there. To start allowing the thoughts inside me out. And Its only June and I feel freer. I feel more expressive. I feel like I have outlets. I can tell its helped my stress, its made me less interested in social media (which, in my opinion is a positive). Its given me peace. I've made up my mind anything I create in my mind I'm going to create in the physical at this point. Prayerfully it helps someone, but its definitely helping me.
By Constant Favored 5 years ago in Humans
Woman. Black Woman.
Whew! Being a sista in America is tiring. It will make you question yourself, like, "Is that me?". Yes bitch, that's you. All of it is you. We go from telling it like it is with a relaxed tongue sitting amongst our friends and family. To demonstrating sternness and eloquence with our children at home, to pomp, grammatical correctness, and enunciation at work. And then some. And don't mix them up. Especially don't take the other two facets to work. You know there we are seen as one dimensional creatures. Show one of those other sides you'll get yourself fired lol. No, but seriously. In America, a place that wants to define us so bad and put us in a box, during such turbulent times, I find myself questioning a lot, filtering more. When I watch the news and scroll through social media I become overwhelmed with so many emotions. It make me just want to put it all down and block it out. I'm tired. There are things that I am glad are being said and acknowledged, but still know that nothing is going to change. There are things being said that I don't agree with and hate that they attempt to represent us all. I make a conscious effort to not let what is playing out in the media stay to long in my head. I make sure it doesn't effect the way I treat people from day to day. Using my faith to keep myself grounded, I still have to show up and be a functioning member of society, a wife, a mother, a social worker. All these roles cause me to have to filter and even suppress me (to a certain extent) to show up and be present for others. This is a catch 22. Because part of me reducing my own stress and living my own truth, and being myself is literally not allowed 100% in any of the roles that monopolize most of my time. My roles are full of compromise, and poise, and being a helper and being supportive, and just showing up for others. I can't get away from it. I've learned to balance it but I get tired. I need a break. I need to check out. As I type its like most of it applies to all women, not just African American, but the guise of race puts a spin on it. All of those roles change when I put "black" in front of them. Black mother, black wife, black social worker, black member of society. It adds extra talks, extra environmental stressors, extra self awareness, extra filtering. Extra mindfulness. Its a lot of extra stress. Extra Pressure. To perform, to get it right. To protect. We never get to turn it off ladies. Except with each other. I know when I see you with your friends dressed down, using slang, rapping your favorite song that it doesn't mean you're not smart, college educated, or a great mom. I understand that, that same woman will be in dress pants and pumps conducting a meeting downtown tomorrow. I know when I see you out with your kid(s) alone it doesn't mean that you don't have a husband or supportive partner at home preparing for your return. I understand that, that same woman is on Tik Tok doing the Buss It Challenge after she puts those same kids to bed that night. And it doesn't take anything from her. It doesn't define her. Its just one facet.
By Constant Favored 5 years ago in Humans
Taking Inventory
So I make sure at least once a year I retreat to my mothers house. Its just her and my elderly grandmother there. Its where I go to take inventory. I go there and think about what's going in my life and relationships. Her house is a good place because I am a reflection of them. The millennial version I like to think lol. As our generations progress we are what are what our parents knew plus what they think needed improvement from their experience. So when I am there I think about my life, my relationship with my husband, my relationship with my daughter, my career and professional goals relative the generations before me. Separately as my own person too, of course, but the comparison to them is important. I believe each generation is supposed to get better. I also enjoy observing them together, our conversations, and helping in anyway I can. This is also important. It contributes to maintaining humbleness. Family keeps you grounded. They interject those wise nuggets in conversation, that if you aren't listening and present, you wont catch. For me, its also a refueling. I come from strong women. Women who have endured alot. Overcame alot. Going home isn't draining for me, cause we are all lights. We encourage, we hold accountable, we remind each other that we gotta keep going. That a way can be found. We do this everywhere we go, with everyone we interact with. This is a blessing and a curse, but that's another blog. I live in a different state. Married, with a teenage daughter. While at my mothers this time I thought about the way I've changed in the last year. The years happenings. Things I was doing at the beginning of the year versus what I am doing now. There has been alot of changes. I definitely allowed circumstances to create distance between myself and people I have associated with closely. Being a person who as I described earlier in this blog, I have the tendency to be the person maintaining my relationships. I made a conscious effort to still show up, be respectful and reciprocal but not over extend or over explain. To be available for conversation and support but not interject myself. To say no when I need to. This has made a difference. For my stress level, for my social level. This is a positive. These behaviors have been an ongoing process for me. Its easy to regress if you aren't paying attention. If your not cognizant of your emotions. My husband and I are the oldest millennials. In our decade of marriage, we've had millennial problems, but overall its been good. Unfortunately millennials, by the design of our society today are pretty selfish people. Marriage teaches you ways you are selfish that you didn't even realize. Its a totally different level of relationship and intimacy. The highs, the lows, the compromises, the family emergencies and issues you support each other through. The recognizing of your own families dysfunctions you demonstrate that you didn't realize was toxic until the mirror of marriage was placed in front of you. It's a journey. We have truly grown together. Grown through it. We are actually happy. Typing this, I am laughing cause this shit has been hilarious. He's awesome though. And then, there is my daughter. Yes, I started the sentence with "and" cause that girl has been just a delight. This girl God gave me when I was 21 years old, don't get me started on her. but she is 19 now and doing great. Its been an experience being a parent. Navigating the decisions of life with her...because of her. Look how my tone changed on her. But seriously, parenting a young adult, give her room to learn, make her own decisions, still coach a little from the side line, sure to speak confidence and love into her still. My mom was the "you 18, you grown" type. Or at least that's how I interpreted her statements and behaviors at that age. I am not doing that. I'm definitely closer to, and more available to, and more present to my daughter than my mom was when I was 19. I definitely encouraged her to not move out and just go live on campus during the school year. I made some pretty sketchy decisions at her age while in college and in my own apartment, hence her existence lol. Parenting a mini adult is new, but I think I'm killin' it. We do check ins. Alot of processing together. She's very smart, and I'm not just saying that cause I'm her mom. I'm enjoying watching her grow into the woman she is going to be. All this during a pandemic and shutdown. We did pretty good.
By Constant Favored 5 years ago in Humans
