Wilkey's Revenge

Wilkey’s Revenge

By

David T. Lancaster

Let me introduce myself. My name is Cathy Wilkey and I am 45 years old and am a happily married woman with 2 kids. I work as an Executive Assistant to a Vice President in the company I am employed by. I am my bosses right hand man, as it were, making sure his life runs smoothly. I do a good job and am well paid and appreciated.

Some other facts you should know as I go through this tale of mine. Fact one – I was never one of the ‘popular girls’ in high school. While they were getting asked to the prom, I was setting up the decorations. I was the smart girl who always did the right thing. Teachers loved me. Boys ? not so much, but that’s okay as I was always kind of nerdy. The other ‘popular girls’ always seemed to look down their collective noses at me.

To be completely honest, it did hurt my feeling a lot, but I masked it as well as I could. I wanted to be like them, wanted them to like me, but had to contend with being the person they wanted to be stuck with when the science project was due because I was the one who made sure everyone in my group got an “A”.

Fact number 2 – garlic gives me gas. It is a fact of life. It is just the way my body is built.

Now when I say ‘garlic gives me gas’ that is the understatement of the year. What I mean to say is when I eat anything with garlic in it, the gas it produces in my body is toxic. It is bad. It is “WHAT THE HELL CRAWLED UP YOUR BUTT AND DIED “ bad. You can’t be anywhere in my vicinity when I pass gas or you will literally gag. The family dog leaves the room, looking at me like ‘what is wrong with you’.

My husband has suggested we contact the Department of Defense and offer this as a biological weapon against the United States of America’s enemies. He has also suggested this weapon would probably violate the Geneva Convention Accords on warfare.

It is that bad. It is pretty embarrassing, so I stay away from garlic. As long as I do that, I can stay happily married and have a career.

On a day that changed my life forever, the company bought pizza for all the employees for some accomplishment we achieved. It came from Domino’s. They put garlic in all their pizza’s. Lots of it.

I should of known, but failed to notice till after my second slice was consumed. I started to panic. I know what is being brewed in my body and what is going to happen at work soon.

I go to my boss and say not feeling well and want to head home early. He says sure, but could I drop this package of legal documents off at our attorney’s office as it is on the way home. I say okay, no problem, I should be able to get there, go to their office and drop this off before Armageddon hits.

The attorney is in a high rise building on the 17th floor. I go park, grab the documents, and take the elevator to the 17th floor.

I feel the rumble in my belly and know it is only a matter of minutes before it comes out. Well the receptionist is someone I talk to regularly on the phone and she wants to visit with me as I drop the package off, not realizing the extreme danger she is putting herself in.

Finally I get away and my belly is rumbling, waiting to explode. The elevator is right by the front entrance to the attorney’s office, so again I have to wait while the elevator comes.

Just then, 3 of the most beautiful women I have ever seen come out of the modeling agency that was next door and also wait for the elevator. I mean these women were all the beautiful, popular girls in high school I am sure.

I do feel insecure standing next to them, Why ? Don’t know, but I do.

I say a meek “hello” to them and they turn and look at me together and….sneer and make that sound with their voice that only a beautiful popular girl can make. One of them says, under her breathe “troll’ and the other 2 laugh.

Just then the door opens. All my life I have put up with girls like this, looking down on me and feeling ashamed. All that rage came up from the depths of my soul. I have had enough. They are not better than me, I am way smarter then all of them put together.

A plan starts to formulate. An evil, wicked plan that not even the devil himself would consider. Later my husband, told me that is the most evil thing he has ever heard.

A life time of cowering to the likes of these three were coming to an end. I smile and get on the elevator first and make sure I am by the elevator buttons. I push the button to the first floor and innocently ask “first floor?”

One of them sneers again and makes that sound again and says ‘of course, where else would we be going?”.

I think ‘you are going to visit the pits of hell lady, you just don’t realize it yet’, but I smile as the door to their death prison closes. I then turn my backside to them and let one go. It is loud and brutally long. From past experience, I can tell it is going to be a real stinker.

They all…gasp, I guess is the best word to describe their reaction. Never in all their pretty little lives has anybody disrespected them in such a manner, especially someone like me.

The looks on their faces is priceless. Utter shock at what just happened, someone had the audacity of fart in front of them, on an elevator no less.

God help me, but it made me laugh. The fun was just starting though. They had 16 more floors to go and the danger they were in, did not quite yet hit them.

The emergency manual for this situation, which they did not obviously read, says to breathe through your mouth, not your nose. I could see the dark haired one test the air with her nose. Big mistake and she realized it as soon as she did it. Her eyes….her eyes got this look in them that understood this was the worst smell she has ever smelled.

Ohhh, it was bad. It was gloriously bad, maybe the worst ever. The first girl then retched loudly and muttered ‘oh jesus help’. Honey jesus ain’t here in this elevator to help you today, you are riding with one of the devils minions today.

The other 2 now understand the complete danger they are in. They look to get to the buttons of the elevator to get off this hellish ride. No way, this is my revenge and I will have it paid in full. I actually snarl at them and shake my head ‘no’.

Looking back at this moment, I don’t recognize myself. That’s not me, that’s not sweet Cathy Wilkey, willing to do anything for anybody.

No it is the new Cathy Wilkey. The take no shit Cathy Wlikey.

All three ladies then begin to retch, bending over at the knees. The first one can’t stop herself now and she vomits. The other two follow suit.

I can’t help myself, that just hit my funny button and I start laughing as hard as I have ever laughed before. The I can’t take a breathe type of laugh. Pretty much on the hysterical side, if truth be told.

As the elevator reaches the ground floor, here is the scene. Three extremely confident women get on the elevator, but all three have vomit on there clothes and are crying as they get off and a madwomen (me) is laughing hysterically.

There is a man and a boy waiting to get on. I manage, between my bouts of laughing so say “ah, you might want to catch the next elevator”, which makes me laugh all the harder.

The moral of this story for me, is this event changed me. I don’t let anyone look down on me anymore. I have more confidence in myself. I now realize, that my husband was right, I am a weapon.

I carry a bottle of garlic pills in my purse in case I need to weaponize myself against any injustices.