Craigslist is the Bomb

Chapter One – Nice Guy

My name is Paul Barry and I’m a nice guy. I’m rather unlucky at love. I am not a bad looking guy, kind of on the shortish side, 27 years old. My profession is as a Software Engineer, so I make decent money.

I have dated here and there, but I always seem to get dumped by the girls I am interested in.

My roommate, Chris Moser, say it is because I am too nice. He on the other hand is the opposite: he treats women like crap, and they can’t seem to get enough of him.

Chris says to me to go on Craigslist to find women. According to him “Craigslist is the bomb”.

I figure ‘why not, what can it hurt?’ Chris helps me find where to put the advertisement and some advice as to what to say. Of course, I don’t follow his advice because to me, it is rude and insulting and like I said I’m a nice guy.

“SWM, 27, 5’7” decent build. Software engineer that likes movies with Meg Ryan and walks in the park and a good glass of Merlot. I am a nice guy and am looking for a nice girl. My name is Paul” my ad read.

“Jeez, you sound like a dweeb” Chris comments,

Just then, 5 minutes after posting the ad, my phone dings signaling an incoming email.

‘Hello Paul, I am responding to your Craigslist ad. My name is Kim Nortz and I like nice guys and Merlot. I would love to meet you’.

“wow, that was quick” I said. “You were saying Chris?”

“She is probably a dweeb to” he responds.

I email her back and forth and we agree to meet tonight at ‘The One and Only’ bar and have a glass of Merlot.

Phone dings again. It is Cathy Wilkey and she also likes nice guys.

Lunch at noon tomorrow.

By the end of 2 hours, I got dates with Maria and Sara in the next couple of days.

I take the ad off Craigslist. I got Kim, Cathy, Maria and Sara lined up. That’s plenty.

“Dude, you were right. Craigslist is the bomb” I tell Chris.

Chapter Two – First date

At the appointed time, I show up at ‘the One and Only’ and I see Kim right away. She is sitting in a corner table with 2 glasses of Merlot. One for her and apparently one for me.

“Oh Paul, so nice to meet you. I hope you don’t mind, but I already ordered your Merlot” she says in a voice so husky it could drive a dog sled.

“ah no. I don’t mind” I say because…I’m a nice guy what else would I say. My mind is trying to comprehend the husky voice with the pretty woman in front of me.

As I sip my wine, we chat away and kind of hit it off.

Boy that Merlot is strong, I’m only 2/3 way through and I’m starting to feel it. I say so to Kim and she just smiles and nods.

Kim continues talking and says “you know I used to be a nice guy like you, but I changed”.

My mind is reeling…”wwwhat did you slay” I slur. Damn my lips are numb.

“During the day, I’m Jim North. A nice guy like you. But I got tired of being shat on all the time by women. So I decided that at night I would be Kim Nortz, an alpha female that don’t take crap from anyone”.

“huh ? ahh,” my mind is really reeling now and the words aren’t coming out right. “ you be a woooman man. Huh ?”

“Yes Paul , I am a wooooman man as you call it. We prefer the term He/she”

“Beesheet”? I garble. I look at my glass of merlot, that is almost completely empty.

“Yes dear Paul, I put some drugs in your wine. You’re mine tonight Paul and I’m going to show you what happens to nice guys” and then Kim/Jim laughs.

I don’t remember anything else.

Chapter Three – The next Day

I open my eyes. The first thing I notice is that I’m not in my bed. I’m in some sort of fancy hotel bed.

The second thing I notice is that I’m completely naked. Well not completely naked, I am wearing one sock. Where’s my other sock is my first stupid thought.

I close my eyes and think, ‘okay Barry, you are going to open your eyes again and you are going to be in your own room, wearing those pajama’s that Chris likes to tease me about’.

My open my eyes again and I’m not back in my own room and I’m still wearing one sock.

I close my eyes again and think ‘ok, what happened last night and where am I?’

I run through what I remember of yesterday with my eyes closed. I remember Chris, I remember….Craigslist. I remember….a date with….Jim Nortz, no that’s not right. Kim Nortz, yes Kim Nortz. I had a date with Kim Nortz at the…One and Only bar, except it wasn’t Kim Nortz, it was Jim something and then I remembered the glass of Merlot and whatever her name was laughing.

Okay, she drugged me, or he drugged me or someone drugged me. What else do I remember ? Nothing, nada, data base is wiped clean.

I open my eyes for a third time. Yes I appear to be in a fancy hotel room. I get out of the really comfy bed and take stock. There is my clothes in the corner, neatly folded and what’s this all over the ground ? It appears to be pictures. Not regular pictures, but polaroid’s from back in the day. They are all over the room.

I pick up one and see…me and oh lord almighty what am I doing. Yes that’s me and that is what a detective would say ‘in a compromising position’. And here is another and another, there must be 30-40 pictures of me…doing things with different people, none of whom I recognize. I appear to be having a good time.

I look at the clock, it’s 10:30 am. Oh heck, I have a date with Cathy Wilkey at noon.

I can’t stand her up. I should, I mean look at what happened to me last night, but…I’m a nice guy and I don’t stand girls up. I can make a noon lunch and then figure out what really happened last night and what to do next.

I go into the bathroom to splash water on my face and written in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror is this:

Craigslist is the Bomb.

The End