Why Women Go For Jerks, Badboys, and Deadbeat Losers

It all started when I fell for a backhanded-handed compliment.

I was at the Candy and Snack aisle when a young man walked up to me and said, “you look like an ancient Nubian queen … is that your hair?” No, I smiled; these are braids, Jamaican twists, to be exact. I’ve always known black women don’t have hair, he said, but you’re pretty, so I’ll give you a pass. What’s your name?

I wanted to tell him off and on walk away, but something made me stay. Perhaps it was the familiar feeling of being torn down then put on a pedestal, or maybe him singling me out fed my need for validation.

But there I was, frolicking and exchanging numbers with a guy who’d just insulted me.

Later that evening, he apologized and confessed to being both attracted and intimidated by me. His exact words were: you oozed too much confidence that afternoon I had to bring you down a notch.

We laughed.

He asked me out… I said yes.

Stupid, I know

The guy turned out to be a deadbeat with no goals or aspirations. While I worked on a bio-therapeutic treatment for drug-resistant Candidiasis, he remained home playing video games and watching series.

The longer I stayed, the brighter the red flags became. Everyone scratched their head, wondering what I saw in him, but there was more to the story than what met the eye.

Why women fall for low-value men?

A quick google search gives reasons ranging from their charm and confidence to their good looks and sexual prowess. Some relationship gurus even claim such men have figured out the female psyche. But none of these reasons are true, the real reason we fall for jerks, bad boys, and deadbeat losers is because of our low self-esteem.

A study published in The Journal of Gender-specific Medicine showed that adolescent girls had lower self-esteem and more negative assessments of their physical characteristics and intellectual abilities than boys.

I was not at all surprised by this report.

Girls grow up in a society that’s hell-bent on destroying them. You aren’t tall enough, thin enough, or pretty. Your hair isn’t straight enough, full enough, or long enough.

Every day we’re bombarded with messages and imagery that chip at our self-esteem. Then they turn around and gaslight us with words like "know their worth or true confidence comes from within".

Forgetting they made us who we are...

Insecure women who feel we can’t get what we want because we aren’t good enough. We become women who let many things slide, even the red flags glaring at them.

And no, we don’t fall for jerks, bad boys, and losers because we’re blinded by love. We fall for them because they’re a reflection of our trauma, a product of living in a diseased society.

They prey on our insecurities.

Long before the girl child is born, the world creates a fertile ground for jerks and losers to dig up her most vulnerable parts and capitalize on them. Some men embody the dad she could never please others become the brother she had to care for. Mine was the latter.

I stayed with my ex because of the responsibility I felt towards him. It was not imposed on me but one that was intricately weaved into my psyche; not even I could see it then. I cared for my then-boyfriend like he was my child. I assumed responsibility for him financially and emotionally, but who was looking out for me? No one.

Did he know what he was doing? I’m tempted to say no, but hindsight is a bitch. This is the man who questioned my choice of friends and chased away anyone who showed me an ounce of respect. “I’m just looking out for me,” he would say. Yet, in truth, his plot was to keep me in a frenzy of self-doubt, self-loathing, and worthlessness.

Being with him was like a rollercoaster ride. He would blow up one minute then meltdown the next. The extreme highs and lows created drama which distracted me from working on myself. Instead, I was addicted to making him happy.

Looking back, I can honestly say I thought he was the best I could do.

Like us, men are also products of their environment.

It’s tempting to vilify such men, but if you look closely, they’re products of their environment too.

Our society leads men to believe that they have Einstein, Brad Pit, and Jeff Bezos wrapped in one. You have to be funny, witty, powerful, and wealthy, they’re told. They boost their ego by telling them; you have dominion over all things, and the most insidious of all… you‘re superior to women.

Young boys internalize such messages and grow up to be men who feel threatened when a woman is better than them.

It shows how some men refuse court women who question them, women who speak their mind, or women with advanced degrees. Some men even confessed to not befriending attractive females or hanging out with female colleagues that earn more than them.

However, nowadays, more and more women are advancing in their careers and getting better pay. More women have bodily autonomy and expect better sex. More women are liberated; we still have a long way to go, but this is progress nonetheless.

So what do men who feel they have nothing to offer do? They insult, harass, and demean women to get with them.

You think you’re too good for me? or I wear pants in this relationship, or Didn’t anyone ever teach how to keep a man?

Jerks, bad boys, and deadbeat men are insecure men trying to live up to ridiculous ideals. And in the process shooting themselves in the foot.

Let’s solve this…

Men become jerks because of insecurity, women fall for jerks because of insecurity. We’ve all played into a culture that has put us at odds with each other.

Both men and women yearn to connect and build meaningful relationships. But the answer isn’t in manipulating each other into fall in love or buying pills that promise perfect abs, a larger penis, or a tighter vagina.

The answer lies in building real confidence, and it begins with us.

We’re social creatures, our mental and physical health depends on relationships we have with each other. Whether we like it or not, we are responsible for each other, and our healing depends on it.

Fellow men, build the esteem of the woman around you, start by complimenting qualities that make her who she is instead of her looks. Acknowledge her accomplishments, intelligence, or work ethic. Encourage her to speak up and share her experiences with you. Lastly, if you see a woman being harassed or unfairly treated, do stand up for her.

It’s time we let go of the lie that men are inherently confident because they aren’t. Fellow women, let’s show men that they can offer more in a relationship than money, sex, and power. Let’s show them that our feminine essence craves their masculinity, and it all centers on who they are as a person. And not the watch he wears, sneakers he’s rocking, or the car he drives.

It’s time we all practice self-love. Maybe just maybe, the will come a time when we no longer feed off each other's insecurities.

©Dona Mwiria November 2021