Who Am I and Why Am I Not Acting Like Him?

I recently had an epiphany as I pondered my unused giftings, you know, those things we are naturally good at and the Creator enhances in us. Whom would I be if these were a part of my daily life? How would others benefit from my existence if I was a fully functioning creation? These gifts are glaringly apparent to others, but I’m afraid to try them on for whatever reason.

I want to so badly; I can tangibly feel the power behind them. But it’s down to this: I’ve been trying for years; I have managed to recognize distraction and self-destruction and even separate myself from it ....... most of the time. But right now, the fear stops me dead in my tracks. I’m a 6”2’, 270 lbs. ex-bar fighter/wrestler, scared ... no, TERRIFIED like a little boy in the closet with a robber in the house. I keep the lights off and stay in a corner with a blanket looking as much like an indiscriminate pile of dirty laundry as possible. I have a horrible past, a past I cannot seem to forgive myself for, a past that left me blackout drunk seven days a week, averaging two-fifths of bourbon a night for almost 16 years, weighing up to 430 lbs. A history with a monster, and the monster was me. I did more and more damage every night ....... it was the most vicious and hellish of cycles I resided in. I remember cutting myself, trying to bleed out my self-hatred and make things right. I tried to kill myself twice ... I was even a failure at suicide.

From where he stood, there were lots of negatives to drown in. However, the story of redemption he was walking in was breathtaking from where I stood.

My self-hatred showed how I hated women and treated them shamefully through my misogynistic behaviors and ideology. I am so sorry and ashamed of my behavior and treatment of women, my mom included. I acted like a piece of shit. Moving forward, it’s a miracle I’m not still locked up; I deserve to be. But since I’m not, I will spend the rest of my life fighting whatever stops me from being whom I was gifted to be. I know within that version of me, the Authentic, Creator-Designed version of me, exists the opportunity for redemption, which I cannot attain on my own. I have tried every deplorable way humanity has to offer. I have degraded myself, and those around me, through my Creation-Designed choices. I treated my precious Wife, my long-suffering children, parents, and even my ex-wife, in addition to everyone around me, with absolutely no regard.

The first six months to a year of marriage were quite challenging. I knew before we married that he viciously fought several demons; I also knew and could see the man he was created to be. I had to find a way to survive this season, however long it lasted, and support and love him into his Creator-Designed self.

Thinking about and writing this terrifies me. I want to walk away…

Instead, let’s take a break from me and discuss what I mean by saying “Creation-Designed.” When I refer to Creation design, I refer to the persona we most often identify with and operate in. This persona includes defensive measures and countermeasures. It has Walls.

Walls are deceptively dangerous and hinder us from experiencing the abundant, Creator-Designed life we were created to walk in.

It was created out of our personal experiences to adapt and protect us from future experiences (or memories of past experiences) that we deem too painful or risky. This version of us, this cocoon of persona we wrap ourselves in and present to others, created solely out of our one-sided view of our experiences and perception of the situations we encounter with others, is ultimately what shapes our Creation-Designed self. Yet, still, we wonder why we wound and are wounded. The answer is simple, our operating procedure for life was built out of the worst life can throw at us; it is, at its best, a defensive war machine. If the saying “you get what you give” is true, it’s easy to see how our global society is constantly in conflict and “defensive” preparation. Unfortunately, the best defense is still a good offense, so, inevitably, our hurt turns to defensive measures, and our defensive measures turn into offensive actions. In turn, this inevitably leads us to hurt from our pain; because hurt people hurt people.

In this place of hurt, before defensive measures are considered, is our most significant opportunity to grow, affect others and operate in our Creator-Designed gifts and design. How do we do this?

I have learned that this is relatively simple, not easy, mind you; we must choose to FORGIVE before an offense takes place. We choose to hold no offense close to our hearts. Imagine a month with nothing offending you. No frustration in traffic, no fight for the parking spot, no “she should have done it this way or that way.” I’m just saying, folks, a month with no conflict could change humanity. Imagine what would happen if we choose to forgive and conflict became an outdated relic of the past. The problem and solution are both within me. I can lead by example. I can lead by my actions, not my words. Words have been devalued as a currency because of the lack of action behind them. How often have we experienced or even said“empty words.”? For this reason, our actions will be the relevant currency of the future. “Show me” will be the mantra.

If our accumulated hurts and pains are not usable as defensive calculations, are they of no value? This question left me deflated, without purpose or hope. Then it occurred to me, what if my pain has another value, one I am not seeing? While unpacking that question, I discovered that pain does have another value. However, I have been using it foolishly. I have been spending it on my “defensive measures” that only lead me to offend others and end up inevitably isolated.

All the while convinced that it is “them,” dammit, not me; because (insert sarcastic tone) “I am an enigma, it could never be me that is the problem.”