The Big Bang

I am sitting here thinking, trying to absorb what is most definitely the biggest betrayal of my life so far. 

I’m hurting, no, I’m dying inside. Agonizingly experiencing an acute level of rejection and hurt that my heart had previously deemed unfathomable. I don’t understand it; I want out. I say that, but the truth be told, it’s much more than out that I desire; it’s much deeper…somewhere inside, I want revenge. Not the kind of temporary revenge you achieve in a fistfight, but the type of revenge that is achieved only through relentless, generational oppression. I must stop here because I know these thoughts are a dangerous rabbit hole I do not want to go down. Because I know me, and worse, I know human nature...my human nature. In my 41 years, I have experienced a lot, primarily by my own hand. Most of what I have experienced in life is a byproduct of hurt and the corresponding desire to seek revenge. And I have experienced the outcome and progressive nature of this desire for revenge for 41 years. Life and experience have taught me that this is not the solution. It will only lead to more pain and destruction for me and the object of my revenge. I’ll hurt you; then you’ll hurt me, then I’ll hurt you worse, then you’ll hurt me worse…you’re familiar with the cycle; it never ends. A process I know all too well, and at least a part of me wants no part of it anymore. Then there’s the other thing, the glaringly obvious thing, this person who hurt me the worst happens to be from a very close familial relationship. One that doesn’t just go away. This detail presents me with quite a conundrum. And then there’s the whole thing about wanting to die, that’s lingering in the background. I mean fuck!!! Why keep going if this is as good as it gets? Here, in the best of life, is just another opportunity for the closest to us to betray us the worst. Why? I love my wife and my kids and don’t want them to suffer. Past that, the chemical imbalance I deal with daily, on top of the immense emotion that surrounds the circumstances we all experience, tends to make life pretty bleak. I know the outcome of continuing down this same old, blood-stained road. I don’t want that for me, for my family, for anyone. Something inside me, something minimal, wants to fight for what’s right. Wants to turn the other cheek and wants to remember that this is someone I deeply love that is young, arrogant, and wholly blinded by those things, coupled with greed and ego. A force inside is fighting to turn this hurt into something of value, not just to benefit me but anyone who wants to listen. This pain can be weilded to establish a Hurt Currency that helps others. 

A Hurt Currency? What is that? What does that mean? It’s as simple as the words imply; it is a way that my hurt can be used to buy someone else’s freedom from damage. As I said, I don’t want to seek the revenge that I spoke of; yes, my knee jerk, the flesh wants that, can taste that, but my depths and my spirit know that is not what I, or anyone, needs. Not what the world needs, especially now. People need to see and know that there are others, a bit further down the road in their journeys, that can guide them past some cliffs, potholes, and IEDs. Man, I think I would’ve been spared some of my relentless pain if I had had me along the way. Then again, who knows, maybe I had to experience my 41 years to come to this place of willingness and wanting to buy someone else’s freedom. This is quite the undertaking. I must say, I’m ready.