What if I don't?

What if I don’t?

Marriage at 23

Sarah Johnson

I married at 21. Something that I haven’t ever really just sat down and contemplated is the question, "what is love"? Yet, I seem to get asked that a lot, at random. Love is unconditional. Love is caring, selfless, kind, patient. Love is a choice. It’s something that doesn’t always just come to you, as I had once believed. I thought that when you get married, somehow everything falls together and it just came to you on how to love. How very wrong I was. Marriage isn’t hard like so many around me seemed to believe. Love is hard. Choosing someone over and over again is difficult. It’s even more difficult if you don't’ love that person or have it in you to commit. This is why it’s so important to choose your partner wisely and know that you’re committing to them for the rest of your life. Not just when you feel like it, not until they get crazy and you want out, not when it’s just the good days. Those vows that are said are said for a reason and are supposed to mean something. How unfortunate that our generation has slowly taken marriage and made it into something that’s like a relationship. You can leave whenever you want or if it gets to be too much. No. That’s what dating is. You’re not dating this person, you’re married to them.

That thought always scared me so much. It isn’t marriage that we’re afraid of. It’s commitment, it’s the thought that this is the one we’ll be with and bonded to. I didn’t have the traditional marriage. I didn’t do the whole walking down the aisle thing. In fact, I never even planned a wedding. I haven’t worn a wedding ring or wedding dress even after two years of marriage. Although, we want to do this the point is that you don’t need all that to love the person or have the "perfect" marriage. I love the heck out of the man I’m with. In fact, I love him more than I did on day one. I never thought I could nor that I would.

You might be that person. You might feel like marriage is hopeless and love is just a word. I did too but there's hope. There is a world in which you can have a marriage, be a mom, a wife, and be happy. No, you don’t wake up everyday with your makeup in place, with a smile on your face, and everything is all “happily ever after” but you can still have a happy marriage and family. This is a choice I’ve had to make every day but not just that… my husband too. He and I made a vow and even during those dark cloudy times when we thought our marriage was gonna end, we still chose to keep going. Does this mean that if he doesn’t want to continue that there's no hope? No. Yes, it might be tougher because it feels like it’s just you. You, personally, can’t save your marriage. You need others to surround you, the church, your friends or family, a community.You can be that person to change your marriage, bring love to the marriage, and choose to love even when the other one doesn’t. If it’s really a marriage you want… you’ll always find a way to fight for it.

This does not include fighting for marriage in which there is abuse. If in an abusive relationship, it’s best that you get out. If that’s something you can’t do alone then reach out to those around you. Call or text someone that you trust and feel safe with. I’ve had friends this has happened to. It breaks my heart. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship where there is abuse, I don’t care how good it might seem. Don’t be afraid to walk away even if it’s one step at a time. Whether you’re a male or female. No man or woman that abuses you whether verbally or physically is worth benign with. That is something where others are needed. A community, family, friends, church, etc.