What Exactly Is Pampering?

Every parent wants to have happy children and is especially happy with what they are, have, and receive. And one of the key aspects of parental behavior is responsiveness to the child's requirements - prompt responses, appropriate to the needs and stage of development.

When you imagine a spoiled child, you are probably thinking of a child who has a lot of extravagant toys. But experts say that the child's discipline - not the objects that belong to him - shows whether he is pampered or not. Pampering has consequences that go beyond the momentary weight of managing an uncontrolled and spoiled child.

He creates patterns that can last a lifetime. Following the tips below you will raise a loving and self-loving child, empathize with others, honest and not manipulative. The child will know how to choose his friends and life partners correctly because if he learns how to communicate respectfully, he will look for this in relationships with others.

Responsibility is often conceptualized as a 3-step process:

• observing the child's signals (movements, vocalizations, expressions);

• interpretation of these signals;

• action (the parent acts to meet the child's needs).

To be able to interpret correctly and then respond appropriately, parents must differentiate between needs and desires.

Should we pay attention to needs or desires?

The needs of the children are the ones that need to be met. Among them is the need for sensitive and loving care, physical protection, safety, clear benchmarks, experiences adapted to individual differences and corresponding to the level of development, setting boundaries, structure, and realistic expectations (Brazelton & Greenspan). For example, a parent who holds a crying baby responds to his or her need to be calm.

We talk about desires when a parent buys every child the toy he sees from other children. In this case, the parent no longer offers the child the opportunity to learn to exchange toys or to experience the disappointment that he cannot have all the toys he wants (and then to be satisfied with what he has).

Children's wishes can be recognized as valid (I know you want to take the doll that Maria has and you would like it, but I can't take it from you), but they don't have to be fulfilled.

This differentiation is very important for understanding that loving a child, supporting him, comforting him does not mean pampering him.

What are the situations in which we talk about pampering?

It is not always easy to respond appropriately to the needs of children! Out of a desire to give them everything they need, parents may tend to pamper them. In very simple terms, pampering refers to how parents respond inappropriately to their children's needs or desires.

Therefore, most of the time the pampered term has a negative connotation. It usually occurs when parents try to cover in a fast, active, and often palpable way the need behind the child's behavior. In situations where the child cannot receive what he wants, he needs consolation. But he doesn't need to be comforted by receiving a new toy.

Unfortunately, this type of response encourages the child to become dependent on the parent for the immediate fulfillment of his wishes. In the long run, he will be more likely to seek satisfaction from others than to use his resources.

Moreover, he will not learn to support and integrate healthy boundaries for optimal development, nor will he learn the mechanism of reciprocity (and later may have difficulty relating to others).

How can these situations be addressed?

Respond appropriately to the child's needs rather than desires - the child needs to feel loved and safe to explore the world, but it also needs to be stimulated in its development.

Set age-appropriate limits and realistic expectations. A two-year-old boy who has a fit of anger throwing himself on the floor in the middle of the store does nothing but communicate as much as he can the frustration he feels, not knowing and still not being able to verbalize his feelings.

Support the child to try to do things for himself and his loved ones. In this way, he will gain confidence that he can do them. When he fails, gently guide him to try again.