What does it mean to be true to yourself?

This is a tiresome conversation to have nowadays. Most people today present themselves as experts on all things concerning others whilst their (self)awareness is inconsequential to mustering the courage to unpack their own baggage and only serves to tuck away their misery. Essentially, their expertise is as useful as a golden toilet seat. That’s all folks! No one is an expert! You can either close the tab, or dive into the following points with me:

The speech

Everything we do is learned behaviour, right? While our genetics are always at play, we learn a lot through interacting with others (family/friends, tutors/mentors, etc.). Take a look at speech for example; toddlers mimic adults and absorb so much of what they hear that it is frowned upon to use bad language around them (or at least I hope it still is the case today). Imagine what it would be like if we remained this intentional in adulthood. The constant consumption of information has the average adult adopting others’ ways of speaking (and thinking) without much of a thought. Tell me, when is the last time your most prevalent train of thought didn’t originate from someone else’s tweet, TikTok or comment under one of these posts? Funny how speech is one of the first things we all learned. Yet most adults refuse to evolve past mimicry... All for the sake of fitting into a group they don’t even belong with…

An often-overlooked fact about speech is that it develops internally as well as externally. In other words, how you speak to yourself is how you speak to others (AND receive their words). If you frequently put yourself down in your head, you are more likely to dwell on harsh words spoken over you. Or cling onto others’ affirmation if you don’t appraise yourself often.

The blend of our internal dialogue and what we absorb from the external world can often leave us in an uneasy dance between holding onto past experiences and wishfully longing for a distant utopian future. If you are in search of your authentic speech, checking how you speak to yourself and filtering what you choose to digest from the outside world is a good start.

The taste

Until I was about nine years old, I remember feeling disgusted at the sight of an omelette; it looked different each time and the texture was uninspiring (Crucial factor for my child-self). My older brother, who made these omelettes, every time, didn’t seem to LOVE eating them anyway. So, why should I?!! Well, one fateful day, I had my first bite of one and… let’s just say that I’ve been a devout supporter ever since.

Although I’d relish the challenge to get you all to love omelettes as much as I do, here’s the thing: developing taste requires exposing oneself to the unknown. And this isn’t exclusive to one’s diet. My opinion on long-distance running was far from positive, not too long ago. Yet, I currently enjoy it so much that I wrote a piece on how life-changing it is! (shameless plug to my first story, go check it out!). As your taste develops, just be mindful of which old tastes you carry in the present. Nostalgia is a particularly seductive but clingy witch.

The gut

When I was in music school, I had a friend (let’s call him Jimmy) who had a knack for making any note sound right in any song. I used to envy that about Jimmy. When I asked him how he does it, he said he could just “feel” it in his gut… Although he gave me shittiest answer possible, I continued my journey; actively listening to each instrument in a song, practicing techniques and exercises as often as I could. Over and over… Until… I began to “feel” it! What I found is: you develop your “gut” through trial and error. The mistakes we are avoiding or trying to prevent serve to expand the context of our lives into the extraordinary and are therefore quintessential to our growth.

I caught up with Jimmy recently during a jam session and he admitted that the “wrong”notes were always there! And I couldn’t agree more! Through trial and error, we developed the faith and resilience to embrace them and keep going.

Mistakes aren’t to be dreaded. They open pathways you would never allow yourself to walk through. Because of lack of confidence? Lack of a firm foundation? Or most preeminently today, fear of being outcast? Once you’ve found whatever you like, learn from your past mistakes and make new ones each go-around.

The vision

In a world that is pushing us to have the latest gadget, the unsustainably beautiful physique, and to be best friends with half of the planet, all at once (!), it is important to develop perspective. Your perspective helps you see your surroundings and experiences as what they are. Perspective is understanding that emotions are short-lived and (re)actions can have life-long consequences. One might call that wisdom.

Equally as important as perspective is introspection: the internal longing for an amazing life, becoming a good person (I hope), having a great partner, etc. External factors aside, there are more common elements between our current lives and their ideal versions than we want to admit. God has already blessed each of us with the dreams, talents, ideas, and tools. They are just waiting to be executed and used. The zeal to start (or carry on) is often lulled by fear (of what exactly?). Or by our overindulgence in distractions and desires, leaving us in an overstimulated and disengaged state with only enough will left to push things to tomorrow. For the last five years.

Your introspection allows you to see when you are robbing yourself of the magic you crave. Your perspective is the anchor keeping you grounded when the external world is serenading you away from your goals. Together, they help you put context to the strong emotions life puts you through, understand the broader context and act according to your best interest. Even when it’s countercultural.

Getting to know yourself will be messy. Why? Because it demands checking and/or dismantling your ego. It demands facing your (defensive) mechanisms AND keep your inner child alive by enjoying the simplicity and playfulness of life. A beautiful cacophony, isn’t it? So, Give Yourself Grace. Especially when your family, friends, and (insert group of your choice here) don’t. In truth, we are multifaceted beings. The same way the magic in our lives can be hidden in side-quests, the truth about who we are is often ambiguous and seemingly contradictory at various stages of our lives. Because of that, maybe you should extend some grace to others. Tell me, what does being true to yourself mean to you?