Lessons I've learned in my 20s

Yup. By the time this is published, my twenties will officially be over...

Where did the time go?

I can’t even begin to tell you... That isn’t why we’re here anyway.

What you’re reading is a blend of personal experiences and pieces of advice I’ve collected from friends, tutors/mentors, and elder strangers that I've met along the way. Some of it, I resonated with instantly. The rest was painful to learn (still learning by the way), to digest, and now share. You’ll notice that nothing is numbered. That’s because I believe each lesson is as valuable as the other. Although this isn’t an all inclusive list, I hope the below can help you navigate the currents of your life.

Water your grass, courageously

The average person today lives confined in a bubble manufactured by societal/cultural engineering, held tightly together by an amalgamation of their (mostly traumatic) mechanisms, their inflated but Fragile egos, and their stubborn yet Covert allergy to change. Most of us exaggerate our successes while downplaying our failures. We all know it. Yet we succumb to the apparent disparity between our true lives and others' inflated yet vacuous success stories…

From the diagnosis above, let's make an attempt at finding a treatment for better living below:

Are you a bird or fish? Ever wonder why everyone feels the need to have everything, all at once, and by a certain age? Even after obtaining it all, we tend to feel like something is missing... Often, that feeling comes from us conforming to rules that don't apply to us. And we’re not even aware enough to ask ourselves the right questions... To solve this conundrum, one must examine and focus on the context of their own life before adopting someone else's narrative. This requires putting your thoughts and insecurities into context; the envy you may feel towards someone else's "success" should be used as fuel to build your own. But you must acknowledge it first. The grass is greener where it's watered. So do just that, and do not let others' words and actions lead you to lose yourself in the process. After all, no matter how hard a bird tries to swim, it will never impress a fish. Stop trying to fit in or impress others. Learn to love (yourself and) them instead.

Don't fight change. Steward it: Change is the nature of life. The early stages of our lives are spent extensively with guidance (from parents, tutors, etc.) and companions (schoolmates, extended family, etc.). The older we get, not only do we have less guidance and closeness with our peers, but we also gain more responsibility over our own lives. So it's understandable that many adults are adverse to change. The process of moving to a new city, a new job, or a new house can be scary before it happens but becomes an afterthought soon after it's completed. As they say, life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond. So, choose to embrace the changes in your life, so you can steward them well. But you must be daring, because...

Courage = Flirting: Courage can be defined as an act made with the assurance that one will be okay regardless of their fears and life’s peripeties. A manifestation of faith, if I may. Being courageous is a lot like flirting: you never really know how the conversation will go. But you remain agile enough to embrace and navigate the good and the bad of the journey. The truth is, you don’t need to be confident to be courageous. But being courageous will eventually make you more confident.

“Without courage, we can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest consistently” - Maya Angelou

Do you know what opposes flirting (or courage)? Worry. Worrying about making mistakes is the singular biggest mistake one can make. I mean, if God tells man to not worry (or fear) more than 300 times in the Bible, then man should probably listen, wouldn’t you agree? The less you flirt, the more worry you accumulate. So flirt, relentlessly, with the newness of life and build courage by doing something new every once in a while.

Facing life’s challenges will bring about emotions of different kinds. Some harder to contextualise than others. And not all acts of courage will pan out the way we think they should. Nonetheless, courage is prerequisite to building a life worth living. Going through life's ups and downs should help you realise that...

Your routine(s) will make or break you

Believe it or not, we all have routines. Clubbing every weekend? Yup, that's one. Staying glued to your phone whenever you’re too bored to do what you know you need to do? Another one (in DJ Khaled's voice). Even that morning coffee you use to combat the effects of your sleep deprived lifestyle? Not a lifesaver. Just another ritual.

So what’s the “perfect” routine you ask? Well, there isn’t one. But I can guarantee you that implementing any of the below will make your life exponentially better:

Slow morning: when I got to secondary school, I’d wake up around 6am and would find my mum already busy tending to things. She would pray, make sure my school uniform is clean, and eat breakfast with me (if I wasn’t leaving the house in a rush), amongst other things. Being an adult now, I can’t believe she found the time to do all this, with a 9 to 5. While raising three men on her own no less! And that’s what a slow morning does: it provides the opportunity to do the purposeful before the busyness starts. So, wake up early and pray/meditate. Exercise. Write in your journal. Aim to do whatever allows you to keep a clear head and set a proactive tone for the rest of the day. Do this consistently and watch it keep anxiety at bay.

Mid-week interruption: This serves to take your mind off the busyness of the work week, and help you prevent burnout. What does it look like? It could be a movie night or hassle free cinema trip. A nice, long bath, while reading your favourite book. I recommend moving your body if you don't do it often. If the earliness of a slow morning feels too harsh, this is the feel-good booster of the week. The reality of adulthood is that you must make the time for such things. And if you’re single, realise that you will never be as free as you are now. So use that freedom wisely.

Break it down (with purpose): Have you ever looked at a Marathon training plan? If you haven’t, it contains short runs, long runs, sprints, and rest days, for the most part. Each element addresses the attributes needed to become a marathonian (not an existing word but, who cares?). In essence, you don’t run a marathon (or even half of one) by running as often, or as quick as you can. Whatever you want to achieve, know that the wiser you work, the luckier you get. There is no wisdom without an informed plan. And luck is when preparation meets opportunity. Implementing a plan with agency (an acute sense of urgency in your actions), with the composure and grace when the intended results seem nonexistent, is the way to progress. Kobe Bryant calls this patient impatience. Patience helps us digest even the spiciest of life's lessons, while agency serves as the ever-present fire keeping the shadows of fear and coldness of complacency at bay.

Creating a routine means cultivating an understanding of how to steward your time. So be patient as you’re searching for your formula. The busyness culture of today implies you will have to cut or replace the irrelevant with the substantial. In any case, remember that every (learned) behaviour starts out as discipline before it becomes second nature. The appropriate routine helps us understand that success is neither in the destination nor in the journey, but rather in who we become on the journey.

(Sexual) discipline is the way to freedom

If you got this far down without skipping past any of the above, congratulations! Your attention span might be salvageable! I'm also assuming you're adult enough to read the below:

Most of us have at least one unhealthy dynamic with food (or sugar), alcohol (or drugs), money, and sex. The following three (true) stories shed light on how these dynamics affect us and how we can tackle them:

Hope is a beautiful 30 year-old Business Analyst. Her bright personality and kind spirit make her a favourite in her entourage. With a great career ahead of her, everyone believed all she would need is a good husband. And she believed she found just that, when she met Sean on a business trip. Hope had barely kissed a man before Sean came along and swept her off her feet. Within a year they got married and she relocated to Sean’s home country to build a family with him.

Markus dropped out of university to be an entrepreneur. Now at 26, he’s just moved into his new flat in Big City. While most assume that Markus’s God given Herculean physique got him where he is, he knows routines are as essential as his genetics to his charming appearance. He would also argue that pretty privilege doesn't have lasting impact, unless combined with great skill and a gentle spirit. He has had his fair share of romance partners, but nothing has stuck through the changes of his life. That is until he met Kayla; the sensual yet reserved trainee-lawyer from across the hall to his new apartment. Markus knew he was in trouble...

Although Hope struggled to find a job in the industry she had been working in for almost a decade, she enjoyed the sweetness of married life and living abroad. Sean's day job and his side hustles kept him out of the house often. So often that Hope would question his whereabouts but didn't have the courage to confront him. The smell of alcohol on him kept her quiet. Until it didn't... what she meant as a gentle question escalated into an argument, then something more, physical... This became common occurrence and Sean spent even less time at home. Hope found herself questioning who Sean really was. Why she even married him. Living abroad turned sour all too soon...

Markus grew fond of Kayla pretty quickly. What Kayla didn't know is that she had an aura reminiscent of Markus's first love, Stephanie, whom he holds responsible for the scars he’s been bearing since he was 19. He was used to shutting himself off to not relive the emotional manipulation he went through at such a young age. All of his conquests would leave after a while. And he was okay with that, he thought. But Kayla felt "different": she was invested in her physical health yet not vain. She cared deeply about her spiritual health yet not judgmental towards those who didn't. And when she asked for his advice on how to improve her financial health, he thought he found a keeper. If only the scars from the past wouldn't itch so often...

Hope was struggling to do her make up on the way to the airport. After she finally mustered the courage to tell her mom everything that transpired, both families agreed it was best for her to go back home. The sudden weight loss caused by how her marriage turned out caused her to question her judgement. But did she judge the situation for herself? After all, everyone around her had an opinion about what she should do, until the consequences arrived and only she had to face them. Her perspective of men was based in non-contextual, half-baked takes from social media instead of real life wisdom from people who cared for her. Her dynamic with her father and brother showed how flawed her understanding of intimacy with men was. While she thought of herself as independent, she realised she lived in a bubble sheltered by her family and friends' opinions. Until she decided to change that. Divorced or not!..

It was Kayla's birthday, and Markus had planned a series of surprises he knew she would enjoy. Yet he was frozen by these lingering thoughts: "why is she so loving?" "Am I good enough for her?" "How do I know she won't hurt me like Stephanie did?"... Stephanie was his introduction to the high life, to infatuation, but also to heartbreak... His self-sabotage was kicking in high gear! Until he remembered how the discipline he applied to climb his way out of substance abuse, stress eating, and self deprecation gave him life again. Just as he made a choice back then, he decided now: to trust and accept that his routine has made him worthy of happiness. To embrace his natural willingness to serve Kayla and let go of baggages she has nothing to do with. The scars no longer itched from then...

And since you're reading this, what is your story? Where can you be more disciplined? If you believe discipline is non-essential, think about the following: The 'Smoking kills' sign isn't stopping any smokers. There have never more ways to make money that now, yet why is there more anxiety and depression than ever? There is a sugar tax for crying out loud, but is that really stopping anyone from abusing it?! The point is, don't keep yourself enslaved to your desires and insecurities. Decide, and commit to freeing yourself from your them. Commitment is what separates us from animals. And that is the highest form of self-love: discipline.

Truth is, you find meaning in what you give meaning to. The mistakes we make along the way (should we accept and reflect on them) turn into blessings that make us stronger, wiser, and more importantly, kinder to ourselves and to others. Giving yourself grace when you fall short allows you to fall upwards. Choosing to live otherwise is comparable to plastering a wound in need of an operation; you can stop the bleeding for a while but the root cause of the pain will remain. So choose grace. It has no cost. What lessons do you want to share with the world?