Welcome to the UK and Goodbye

United Kingdom in 2025-a land where nostalgia for “the good old days” is the only thing growing faster than NHS waiting lists, and where the phrase “quality of life” is now mostly used ironically at dinner parties (assuming you can still afford dinner).

Living Standards: The Great British Shrinkage

Let’s start with the basics: living standards. If you’re feeling poorer, it’s not just your imagination or the result of binge-watching dystopian dramas. Real incomes have stagnated for 15 years, leaving workers thousands of pounds worse off annually. In fact, 24 million people-over a third of the population-now live below the minimum socially acceptable standard. The poorest regions of the UK are officially poorer than the poorest parts of Slovenia and Malta. But hey, at least we still have the Queen’s face on our coins, right?

The NHS: National Health... Sigh

The NHS, once the crown jewel of British pride, now resembles a particularly slow queue at a budget supermarket. Waiting times have reached record highs, with 1.65 million people waiting more than four hours in A&E in the past year alone. If you’re lucky, you might get seen in under 12 hours-just bring a sleeping bag and a packed lunch. The median waiting time for planned treatment is now 14.2 weeks, but if you’re in the unlucky 8%, you could be waiting almost a year.

As for quality? Nearly a quarter of patients report poor care, but don’t worry-complaining is a “pain,” so you probably won’t bother. And if you survive the wait, you might still end up as one of the growing number of medical negligence claims. But look on the bright side: if you can’t get an appointment, you can always self-diagnose on the internet, which is almost as effective.

Racism: A Growth Industry

For Romanians and Poles, the UK has become a masterclass in “unwelcome hospitality.” Since Brexit, racism has been on the rise, with many reporting verbal abuse, aggression, and being told to “get off the bus and leave the UK”. Polish community centres have been vandalised, and hate crimes have left many feeling “absolutely terrified”. Apparently, the British tradition of politeness now comes with an asterisk: “*unless you’re Eastern European.”

Crime: Safety Not Included

If you’re concerned about crime, you’re not alone-and for good reason. Knife crime and robbery are up 4%, and shoplifting has hit record highs, with nearly half a million incidents last year. In some areas, crime rates exceed 130 offences per 1,000 people, and only 5.7% of crimes are solved. So, if you’re hoping for police assistance, you might want to invest in a good lock-or maybe just move.

A Final Word: Why Stay?

With falling living standards, a crumbling NHS, rising racism, and a growing sense of insecurity, it’s no wonder Romanians, Poles, and, frankly, anyone with a working passport are packing their bags. But don’t worry-at least the weather is still reliably miserable.

So, if you’re looking for a country where you can spend hours in A&E, experience “authentic” British hostility, and reminisce about when things were only slightly bad, the UK is still the place to be. Just don’t forget your umbrella-and your exit plan.