Undeserving

“If I could have everything I wanted, I couldn’t handle it,” Valentina thought to herself as she tried to figure out how to stop feeling so miserable.

When she moved to Switzerland more than a year ago, her dream was to make it there and then brag about it. She wanted to land a good job in the film industry with double her previous salary, get an awesome boyfriend, and get admiration from her friends and family back home. Instead, she gave up after many rejections. She had been living off of her grandmother’s inheritance for the past year, and the guilt of feeling so useless was consuming her. The fear of getting a job she hated led her to ruminate endlessly and stay stuck in her privileged problem.

“You know… sometimes I can’t feel empathy for you,” said her friend after a few drinks. “I wanna be here for you and I love you so much, but I can’t see you cry about this anymore. It’s been months and it’s starting to get draining for me because I feel like I can’t help. You have everything you need to do great things, but you do nothing.”

There was a long silence.

After a while, her friend started talking about his own problems, which was a huge relief for her. Valentina would nod on occasion and even look him in the eye as he spoke, but she wasn’t able to stop thinking about herself and how to get it together. He was right. And yet she couldn’t stop playing small. In fact, she was addicted to it.

“Should we make a move and get a drink elsewhere?” He asked.

“I don’t think I’m really in the mood for drinking. You can drink and I’ll keep you company,” Valentina replied.

“You’ll keep me company? Come on! We haven’t been out in ages! Let’s go to a club, I really need it after this past week,” he insisted.

Valentina figured she could compensate for draining his energy from whining so much by saying yes. So she did. The place wasn’t far so she didn’t even have to worry about making conversation on the way there.

They went straight to the bar and waited for someone to see them and take their order. Valentina started habitually scanning for an attractive man that would notice her. Until someone tapped her shoulder.

“Hey, are you here on your own?” Asked a gorgeous woman in a velvet black dress. Her eyes were fierce and her posture dominant.

Valentina looked over at his friend and he smiled at her like he couldn’t care less.

“I came with a friend but yeah pretty much,” she replied.

“Do you wanna go outside?” The woman asked, playing with her hair.

“Yes please, get me out of here,” Valentina thought. “Sure,” she said.

The woman took her hand and led the way. She took her to a spot away from the crowd, which made Valentina feel a tingly sensation in a very specific part of her body.

“You look stressed,” the woman said, as she let go of her hand.

Valentina didn’t know what to reply. She looked down and leaned back on the wall, then looked back up at the woman.

“I know what you need,” the woman said with certainty. She moved closer, grabbed her by the waist, and kissed Valentina.

Electricity sparked from her mouth to every inch of her body. For a moment, she felt so much sensation, it almost felt like it wasn’t even her body. Valentina put her hands around the woman’s soft neck, pulling her even closer like she was trying to suck out more of this drug-like feeling. When they finished kissing, they looked at each other for a few seconds, and Valentina said:

“I want more.”

“You can have it all.” The woman replied smiling. She kissed her again and another electric rush went all over Valentina’s body.

. . . . .

The alarm went off the next morning and, when Valentina opened her eyes, she saw a ceiling that wasn’t hers. She looked around for the woman with the velvet black dress and instead saw a man sleeping next to her. “Looks like I had a pretty good night,” she thought.

She grabbed her phone to text her friend and saw she had a missed call from a name she didn’t recognize. Thinking it might be the woman in the black dress, she called back.


“Hey Val, was just calling to let you know we won the pitch!” said a very excited young man’s voice.

“Sorry I think you got the wrong number,” she replied.

“Haha I know, I can’t believe it either. Anyway please check that you’ve received the payment from the client so I can let them know and we’ll start scheduling the whole production,” the voice said. “See you in a bit!”

Valentina stared at her phone, afraid this was some weird scam. She looked around to get her clothes and leave. The apartment was incredible and the view was amazing, but she didn’t want to do the awkward post-one-night-stand small talk.

“Morning beautiful,” said the man on the bed. “Do you wanna give me 15 while I get ready and I’ll drive you to work?”

“No that’s ok, I’ll just take the bus, thanks,” she replied in a rush. She stormed to the bathroom to avoid talking to the handsome man offering a ride (probably to get her out of his house) and shut the door behind her.

“Hey, any news about your pitch?” He asked from behind the closed door.

She looked in the mirror, searching for answers. “Is he also part of this scam?” she thought. Her hand automatically reached out for her phone and she saw the stranger on the bed on her home screen. He was in front of some mountains wearing hiking gear and hugging her.

Not sure what to make of that, Valentina checked her bank account to rule out any potential fraud. She felt her stomach drop when she saw someone paid her $20,000. “This is a mistake,” she thought as she refreshed the app several times. This was what she made in six months on her last job. She felt that same electric buzz from the night before and got scared. She wasn’t used to that, so she thought it was bad.

Valentina opened the bathroom door and tried to find her way out. The stranger on the bed and her home screen was getting dressed.

“Before you leave, someone left you a package. It’s on the table,” he said.

She looked over and there was a black box with no name on it. “Thanks, gotta go,” she said and left with the box under her arm.

Outside the building, feeling like the storm had passed, she opened the box. Inside, there was a black notebook. She opened it, and on the first page it read:

“You can have it all. Let yourself have it.”

She looked up at the building she just left, then walked away with no direction.

Her phone rang.

“Hey Val, what time are you coming? Need your help with something,” said the young man’s voice.

“Umm yeah I’m not feeling so well today,” she honestly replied.

“Ah no worries, so you’re taking the day off?” said the man she didn’t know was her boss or colleague.

“Yes…?” She ventured.

“Ok, I hope you feel better soon. We need to celebrate!” He said and hung up.

Whatever was going on, she didn’t deserve having that money. She didn’t earn it. “I’m not gonna tell anyone I have it,” she thought to herself, not sure if she should keep it or give it away. Feeling shameful and guilty per usual, she decided to push off that decision while she cleared her head. She knew who could help her figure it all out.

“Can you meet for emergency coffee?” She texted her friend.

. . . . .

“What’s the emergency?” He asked. “I have an hour-long lunch break and then I have to head back to work.”

“I don’t know how to put this in a way that makes sense, but I woke up next to this stranger, then found out I was paid an insane amount of money, and someone sent me a notebook and didn’t say who they were,” she said, looking concerned.

“Ok…” he said. “So what happened?”

“Yes exactly! What the hell happened?” She replied. “I was hoping you could tell me cause it makes absolutely no sense to me.”

“Doesn’t make any sense to me either,” he said. “So you’re freaking out because you woke up next to your boyfriend, have a really well-paying job, and got a present this morning?”

“No you don’t get it,” she said.

“V, I’m sorry but I don’t know what else to tell you,” he said, looking diplomatically annoyed. “And honestly, I don’t think there’s anything I can say that will make you not wanna suffer.”

He waited for her to say something. She didn’t.

“I know you can figure this out on your own,” he said. “Especially cause you don’t want to follow anyone’s advice.”

Valentina smiled at his last comment. They ordered food and for a moment, she almost forgot something else she wanted to ask him.

“Do you remember that woman from last night?” She asked keenly.

“Last night?” He said, confused.

“Yes, the one with the black dress at the bar?” She said, afraid he hadn’t even seen her.

“What are you on about? I just got back from my trip,” he said. “Last night I was sleeping….Honey, you need some rest.”

. . . . .

Valentina hugged him goodbye and then headed to the pier. She found a bench, took the notebook out and started journaling to ease her mind.

“Whatever awesome thing I have now, it won’t last,” she wrote. “I’ll find what’s wrong in any situation and ruin it. I’m not good enough to have what I want, and I’m definitely not good enough to keep it. I’ve fabricated a world where I lose no matter what.”

“What are you writing?” Said a woman’s voice.

Valentina was startled. She looked up and saw the woman in the black dress, wearing a majestic black coat. The woman sat next to her.

“Stupid nonsense, really,” said Valentina, closing the notebook and feeling both embarrassed and nervous.

“I love stupid nonsense,” replied the woman as she took the notebook from Valentina’s hands. She had such an authoritative demeanor, Valentina didn’t dare stop her. “So this fabricated world of yours…” she began saying, “how willing are you to distance yourself from it to see what you’re capable of?”

“It’s nothing, honestly,” Valentina said. “I’m just having a weird day.”

The woman turned to face her directly. “How willing?” She asked again.

Valentina felt a massive throbbing and electric sensation in her body. Something in her expanded and she didn’t want to question it because it felt so real. No longer afraid of that sensation, she felt her own body opening up to taking and receiving more. She grabbed the woman’s face and kissed her. She felt like she had an insatiable appetite for life and life was just waiting to be devoured by her.

“Good,” said the woman.

. . . . .

When she opened her eyes, it was dark and she was leaning against a wall. Valentina heard some music nearby and a familiar voice calling her name.

“Are you coming back inside?” Asked her friend. “Thought you said you were gonna keep me company,” he added with a smirk.

She looked around, thinking she would find someone else there. “Yeah, one sec,” she said.

She checked her phone - there was no stranger on her home screen and no extra $20,000 in her bank account. “Not yet,” she thought.

Slowly putting back her phone in her purse, she noticed the black notebook.

“Let yourself have it,” she thought, feeling that familiar rush in her body.