Under The Bridge

3 am…. it’s 3 am and here I am staring at the ceiling. The silence surrounding and consuming the darkness. It feels as though the rest of the world is asleep while I lay on the right-hand side of this admittedly large, empty double bed. I cannot say I was thinking about anything in particular. Nothing of importance had happened in my previous day, I wasn’t having a flashback of a memory from 10 years ago that was causing me to contemplate my life choices. I was just awake.

I was having visions of you though. I was thinking of your smile, the smile that appeared when you told me about your red motorcycle, or about what your dickhead boss had said to you that day. Our long list of nonsensical messages ran through my mind, and then I did have a particular thought. It’s Saturday, it’s date night, that must be my reasoning for being awake at such an ungodly time right. The nervous excitement crept up through my skin, causing the slightest of goosebumps.

The excitement must have worn off, as the next time I was opening my eyes, the brightest sunlight was shining straight through my admittedly useless curtains. I felt a slight smile creep on my face as I remembered my last thought before finally giving away to sleep just a few hours prior. Saturdays were our days, it didn’t matter how we spent them, as long as we did them together. We had already tested our fears by skydiving from 10’000 feet, something I will never forgive you for putting me through. Tried our skills at snowboarding, which of course you were an instant master at, I looked like a toddler attempting to run before I could walk, but I got the hang of it in the end. My first festival experience which of course was a real eye opener. I’ll never forget us getting rather merry and watching you attempt to talk to who you thought was Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters, but was just in fact, another poor drunken soul who happily played the part. Saturdays were our days, and this day would be no different.

It was midday, I had a few hours to prepare, god knows I needed them, but you know me, one of my quirks is wanting to perfect what for some reason you already viewed as perfection. I wish I could see it, see the world the way you see it, the way you saw me. I tried, I looked in the mirror taking in my reflection, desperately seeking what only you could make me see but alas only you have that magic. As I stepped in the shower, I had a gut-wrenching feeling. I was playing our song, I always did when I was getting ready to see you. What was different, nothing was, it was Saturday, our day and I was getting ready to spend it with you. It must have just been the nervous excitement again. I don’t know what made Under the Bridge our song, you had told me the first time we met that you loved the Red-Hot Chilli Peppers and you played me that song. I guess it just fell in line that it should always be a thing that connected us.

Do you remember playing it for me on that old beat-up guitar your dad had bought you, to this day it couldn’t be tuned properly but you didn’t care, you treasured it because it was the last thing your dad had given you before…well you know. I still wish I had got to meet him, you made him sound like the hero the world needed, the hero you still needed.

5 pm, time seems to have flown by today. I didn’t rush to get ready, I wanted to enjoy the time I had to prepare for our night. I decided on the black off the shoulder top that you love, I can’t help but enjoy the sparkle in your eyes when you see me in it, the butterflies like a tsunami wave won’t leave me for hours when I see that look.

As I step into the lounge area, I’m suddenly hit with how empty it is. I suppose since Lockdown happened everywhere has that air about it, but still this time it is like the room has grown a little emptier and a little darker. I always had that feeling of darkness inside of me, melded to my being since a young age, I was terrified to show anyone how my brain worked a little sadder and lonelier than maybe some others my age. I was never terrified to show you though, you saw it, instantly I could tell, and it didn’t scare you, you said “Okay” and accepted me, no questions asked. Thank you for that.

I feel the need for a drink, I only drink red wine now, you turned me onto that. I have never met a 22-year-old man who enjoys a glass of Merlot as much as you, I have always been both amused and impressed by that fact. You ordered a bottle of it on our first date, you were so confident in your choice without even knowing that I hated red wine. I drank it, just for you though. As I take a sip from a pretty full glass of that same bottle of wine, I find myself staring at the computer set up on the table. It’s nearly time. I think the wine has maybe taken effect as I’m not feeling the excitement as much as numbness. I have always been a pretty chilled out drunk. You always find it hilarious that when people used to be having arguments and fights around me in the club I would just sit there, drink in hand, usually some kind of rum and coke, and just bop my head to the music or just unapologetically slay my moves on the dance floor.

As I slowly take a seat in front of the blank computer screen, I gently compose myself as a feeling of tenseness washes over me, reaching for the mouse I give it a slight jolt and the background fades into view. I love this picture, the day we went to Paignton Pier after your motorcycle show. Your smile lights up the whole screen, I can barely see myself as I only focus on you. We were at our happiest here. I need to start remembering to do that. Speak in the past tense. You’ll probably notice I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it through most of this day.

I see where I need to go, the video is right there, saved in a file under the name Saturday Is Our Day. I just stare, I’ve never felt a moment so much as this one. The moment I press play on this, something new begins, which means, of course, something has to end. Finally, bringing it up I see you; I see us, our song plays and photos of us continue across the seconds. Our entire relationship summed up in a 10-minute video. I feel nothing as I watch, no joy, no sadness just a feeling of being empty. I assume that only pictures are going to take place as I will for these minutes to go by quicker. So I stand, drain the rest of my glass and go to refill, with my back turned the last song finishes and all goes quiet. I shut my eyes to the world around me and lean my hands against the kitchen side.

“Hey you” I turn rapidly to see your face smiling back at me, this can’t be real, I have finally hit the hallucination point of insanity “so you won’t know I’m filming this even though you are literally in the next room, but since you are super stuck into Game Of Thrones right now I figure I have time. I hate having to film a video like this, but as soon I started with the motorcycling crew I was advised this may be a good idea, just in case the worst should happen. So, I guess if you’re watching this....it has” his look turned sombre, his voice faltering slightly as he continues “if that is the case all I can say is I’m sorry. Sorry that the future I had lined up for us is going to have to wait till I find you again in the next lifetime. However, I also want to say thank you. Thank you because I never thought meeting you would make me feel as complete as I do. I know it's sloppy and cliché but Jerry Maguire got that shit right, and I got it right with you. I know you don’t see what you have to offer the world but you gave me my whole world, so it’s only right you share that talent with everyone. I love you and I’m always going to be there for you. I always said to you that each date we had felt like the first one, so I’m going to end this by saying this is just our last first date, please make sure you have another first one” He smiles that crooked smile and the screen fades to black.

After a few moments I squeeze my eyes shut and one by one the tears begin streaming down, I feel the overwhelming urge to smash the glass currently stood full on the kitchen side, while also wanting to drink from it but also empty it and clean it. How is that for a coping mechanism. I reach for my phone to ring the messenger of this video, but at the same time look at the title of the video. Saturday was our day. This was my first Saturday without you, and if this was to be our last first date, I wanted to spend it with you and only you. I reached for my glass slowly made my way back over to the computer and pressed the play button once more.