Twist And Turns

The whole world was in the clutches of Corona Virus as it was spreading like wildfire, mercilessly killing millions of innocent souls. It was no exception in India and the lockdown procedure was haphazardly commenced by the states, and the rate of deaths was plummeting and the unavailability of cures or vaccinations panicked the human mankind. There was chaos due to the sudden lockdown and novel restrictions imposed on the common way of life by the governments as per WHO guidelines creating misery among the general public.

I was in my 3rd year of graduation, pursuing Automobile engineering, and due to the sudden Coronavirus cases spike, the University issued a circular to evacuate the hostel within a week. As the university is situated 1000 km away from my home, I was hyperactive in evacuating as early as possible because many of my friends got stuck in the periphery due to the lockdown issued out of the blue. I did not want to get stuck here, so I booked my flight ticket and flew to my hometown safely.

The extending lockdown was a boon and a bane for many. All of us were impacted by it in one or the other way and it is one of the breathtaking experiences that we can share with our further generations.

My college timetable was scheduled online and busy on my laptop listening to lectures, making notes, attending seminars, and writing exams. Most of our professors used novel techniques to make the online lecture interactive and interesting. Since the commencement of my graduation, the lockdown period was a boon for me to stay with my parents for such a long duration after a long time. My dad was about to retire and my elder brother was also home this time, so it was a different atmosphere at my home.

The COVID wave was unpredictable and a few months later, the lockdown scrutiny was at its epitome. It was practically impossible to step out of the home without any substantial valid reason. Police personnel were stationed at the prime locations and junctions to curb unwanted movements. Masks were mandatory, and many were flogged, and fined by police personnel for violating the protocols.

I was swamped in my studies and my mom's work doubled because we all were at home. As dad was nearing the retiring age, in Tamil tradition when the husband reaches 60yrs, there is a special auspicious function called 2nd marriage conducted to the couple in a temple. My mom being a devotional and traditional woman wanted to hold the function at any cost, but the circumstance was not good enough and my dad also not expressed a keen interest in it. In general, he did not express any willingness, plus it was lockdown duration, so it was out of the question. As the virus was ebbing, state governments gave some relaxations in lockdown. Thus, going to my native place to conduct the ceremony was not a piece of cake thing to do, so my determined mom found an alternate way to get the ceremony done. She persuaded the priest of the Balaji (Vishnu) temple to tell her a solution to conduct the ceremony seamlessly here itself. Thus, after successfully preparing the plan to do the ceremony here itself without going to our native place, she was satisfied up to a point. All these things were noted by me when I used to sit with them together for lunch and dinner and sometimes in my free time when I used to spend my time in the kitchen with my mom to lessen her burden and tell her what I learned today and talk in general.

Months rolled by in the lockdown, and my semester exam was approaching, so I locked myself in my room, restricting social contact even with my family. It was my way to focus and use time productively. It was the 10th of November 2020, a normal day as the routine where till noon I was busy with my online classes, then had lunch together. But today while eating I was reserved even when my dad cracked a joke. My mom even instigated me to talk but I was deeply consumed in some thinking regarding my studies, so I just smiled and took my next bite.

A few hours later, I lay down in my room as my back started aching and the weather was also dim and cloudy. In a few minutes, my mom talking in her mobile entered my room and stood aside from the window. I with my eyes wide open, laying on the floor was passing my time. After a few minutes, she asked will you come with me to the market (to buy vegetables and fruit), I made a face by which she understood I am not interested, but I felt bad for telling my mom no, so I told we will go by evening.

Slowly I just closed my eyes and went into deep sleep and as a few minutes passed by, suddenly I opened my eyes, it was completely dark across my room and home. I got up and peeked out the window, the sun sank and the moon was emerging as the queen of the night sky. Silently opened my room's door and in the hall my dad was folding his blanket, as his actions justified, he also just woke up from a nap. I turned to my brother's room, it was pitch dark and he was sound asleep. My dad turned on the hall lamp and the white bright light glowed across the hallway and brightened my room a bit.

I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face then I heard my dad's mobile phone ringing. I was waiting silently in the bathroom and was focusing to hear to whom he was speaking. Within seconds he knocked on the bathroom door (this was the first time in my life that he has knocked) and a few seconds later I opened it and he told me Mom's met with an accident. And while saying this phrase to me he slapped his forehead with his right-hand which was also a novel thing for me to witness and murmured. The moment I heard from my dad that mom has been met with an accident, frankly speaking, I felt empty, completely void and there was no bond or any feeling or any imaginary link holding me and my mom. I had never felt that way and in that moment, I realized something bad has happened to my mom. Because whenever I was separated from my mom, I can sense a pure bond holding us which was unbreakable, let whatever the distance between us be. Then I quickly woke up my brother from his deep slumber and told him to get ready quickly.

Now here comes another episode that angers me till today. It was 18:05 when my dad said the unpleasant message to me and by 18:07, I was at the main doorway to grab my mom's hand and instill confidence in me that nothing grave has happened to her, but my brother and dad even in that situation without sensing the gravity reached the main entrance at 18:15. At that moment I felt like smacking them and ask what the fuck is more important than mother. Since I am the youngest one, I have certain restrictions, thus swallowing my anger, me and my brother quickly went to the zone in the autorickshaw. Dad followed us behind in another autorickshaw.

My mind was convincing and soothing me that nothing omen would have occurred to her but deep inside, my gut feeling was ominous. It was around 18:25 when we reached the accident zone. It was crowded and a police van was standing there. Nowhere I can see my mom, the vehicle (2-wheeler) in which she went was standing on the roadside in between the crowd. The vehicle was not damaged at all except it had a few scratches on its left side and the bag in which she stuffed fruits, vegetables, and flowers was crushed a bit. By looking at the scene my mind instilled a drop of hope in me, but what happened to my mom is yet to be acknowledged.

A fellow came forward and told me that your mom has been taken to hospital and no further information was given. The police personnel did not allow us to take the vehicle. An autorickshaw wala (auto driver) came forward and told me and my brother to sit in his rickshaw to drop us at the hospital. Now here comes another twist. The person with whom we were traveling to the hospital was the same person who acted promptly and carried our mom to the hospital in his rickshaw. The hospital is around 5km away from the accident zone and in peak hours it takes 15 min- 20min to cover it.

On the way to the hospital, the driver was saying that no one was willing to carry my mom to the hospital because she was surrounded by blood. Even though I did not notice any substantial amount of blood on the road, maybe because it was dark and crowded and I was in a hurry to reach the hospital. According to the auto driver's narrative, it would have been almost an hour since my mom's accident. After breaching the heavy traffic, we landed at the government hospital, me and my brother stood at the main entrance block. Dad told us to wait outside the block and he walked in. Because of the lack of evidence of my mom's demise, my brain was still persuading me and convincing me that everything is fine, at that moment I understood my mind was not ready to filter the thought of my mom's death.

In the background of all this, I with a slight ray of hope countering my gut feeling, and my brother watching the hallway when dad will come. Dad walked towards us expressionless as usual, called us near and spreads both his hands on each one of our shoulders and said Mom's dead, know you must be strong and compressed our shoulder.

I was able to accept it because the instance my dad conveyed the message when I opened the bathroom door, I felt like I was fucked up, so in the back of my mind I was preparing myself for the worst condition. This was not the case for my brother, I do not know what thought process he had over time from home to the hospital. I looked into my brother's eyes, he was shocked and was unable to absolve what Dad told us.

Even though I did not want to believe it so I walked a few steps towards the main block and left like struck by a thunder. I did not dare to take the next step towards the main block, to the right window of the main block I saw my mom's saree draped and covering her stomach portion. Her body was still as a rock laying on the cold black marble motionless and lifeless. The instance I saw her dress I turned back and walked away from the main block, my eyes were filled with tears, and my mind rewound all the pleasant events which I had with her in the recent past. I wanted to grab her hand and take her away to a utopian world where I can pay her back for what she has done for me so far and give her the luxury which I dreamt to provide when I would earn on my own and hug her, say thank you, mom. So many thoughts rushed, flooding my mind with all the past and anticipated thoughts. Resisting my tears to roll down my cheeks, I said to myself it was not the time to cry as we three had to be supportive of one another. Even if one cries or breaks, all will melt down.

Immediately the police personnel came and asked us to accompany him to the police station as to follow the protocol in case of accident deaths. I told my brother to stay at the hospital, I and dad went to the police station. The truck driver who hit my mom from behind was arrested on the spot and the truck was ceased. After a few minutes at the police station, the message of my mom's accident started spreading, and slowly mobile phone started ringing continuously. What to say to maternal relatives was frightening. I choose not to answer any call except one of my friends. My close school friends arrived at the station and a few went to the hospital to stay with my brother. The moment I saw them I felt some relief and was unable to hold my tears and started crying. My dad was in the interrogation room, they made me sit at a table and consoled me. Later when we reached to hospital, the whole lobby was crowded with similar faces. After some time only my mom's brother was informed about the incident and any other calls from relatives were ignored.

Further due to COVID protocols transporting the body to the native place was another obstacle but it was managed by influence. The embalming process was carried out to stop the decaying process because the body must be moved 1000km away, which might take a day. On the 12th of December before sunrise, the body reached the native place in an ambulance. We all four travelled a few miles in the ambulance to reach the destination from the airport.

Before the postmortem, there is a procedure followed where the family member must identify the body and ensure it to the doctor, followed by a series of documentation. I never saw my mom's face after that noon when I fall asleep. After the accident I had no the guts to even walk near her, I was frightened to even take a glance at her because I was thinking it was guilty of me to let her go alone to the market. The only thing I saw, was her yellow saree from window.

The body was packed and parceled in air sealed box in an aircraft and was opened at the native place only. She was wrapped in a thick white sheet from head to toe. The moment the box was opened, everyone was suggested to move outside as the formalin chemicals blanketed the surroundings creating a breathless environment. And when the crowd gathered, I looked at my mom, stiches were running vertically down from chest region. Her jawline was held with by inserting strings and her whole body turned into pale blue color. I still cannot remember her face after the postmortem. I can only recollect the bright smiling face of my mom. By noon all the ritual was finished and her body was moved to the crematory and burnt in an industrial furnace.

Post mortem report said that due to the high-impact head injury caused a huge loss of blood. My brother described the left upper side of the forehead as cracked and that there might be a chance of drainage of cerebrospinal fluid. More importantly, the report stated she was dead at the spot of the accident.

From the crematory, we went to a nearby river, dipped ourselves, and dissolved the asthi (bone and ashes) in the flowing river. Let the soul rest in peace. We reached home and again took a bath and changed our clothes. It was lunchtime and my brother sat down across the table facing his back towards the entrance. The whole house was flooded with relatives as they were continuously pacifying and consoling us. The moment I entered the dining hall, I heard a sobbing sound and it was my brother. My aunt comforted my brother by patting his back and I was nimble and weak to comfort my own brother at that time. Turned back to the hallway, wiped my tears, and then came in after a few seconds, sat with my brother, and ate lunch. It was unbearable for me to see my brother like that. I have never seen my brother cry, whereas I used to cry for simple scolding by my parents.

From now on the real challenge begins, however, a few days passed as usual. Slowly and steadily the pain of loss started pinching and tearing me apart. This was when my final major project commenced. Initially, I took a week's break from my studies and I informed my professor. Everything felt lifeless for me, I generally use to avoid thinking about it but sometimes I just miss her so deeply that my heart becomes so heavy and it becomes unendurable to carry on without her presence. So, I said to myself do not cry she is sitting beside me and watching, do not cry like a baby, and accept the reality that she will never come back. I want to embrace her; I planned so many things for my mom but all in vain and that's fucking life. What you think and where it takes you are speechless. Thinking that she will wake me in the morning, call me by name, pat on my back and hug for my achievements and motivate me to move forward graciously. However, I try my best to avoid crying in front of anyone, that too never once in front of my dad. One day after a month suddenly I cried so much remembering her that I got sick and bedridden for a few days. When we returned home and I went to the Balaji temple, while talking to the priest I started crying. The excruciating pain and the hollowness were not ebbing and I pray it should never be experienced by anyone. Although initially, I thought since I am accustomed to living alone in the hostel for years, this incident might not impact me much but it is quite the opposite. I cannot have conversations with anybody which I used to have with my mom. You cannot say so many things openly, the atmosphere with the relatives’ changes. Everyone treats you differently and especially relatives as if they cared. I do not feel like doing anything sometime but again thinking of my mom and reminding myself, she not raised me to waste my energy sobbing or sitting idly. Rather divert the energy (pain) to become someone you want or aspired to be. I leverage my cherished memories to discipline myself, rejuvenate, and move toward the goal I wanted.

Always be ready to accept what life throws at you, do not get scared and run away. Yes, it will be tough to pull through and maintain the flow but there is no other option. You are the captain of the ship and it is in your hands whether you drift away with the ocean waves or steer your journey toward the destination. Feel blessed for having such wonderful parents. Do not blame yourself or anybody for such incidents. Some call it fate, but literally, no one gives a shit what happens to my mom. Relatives have no business with me and for local news channels, it becomes a headline for a day and an agenda for the dormant political party to blame the ruling party. Thinking about what could I have done is a waste of time and what you will do is what matters now. So set aside the emotions, and feelings and carve your life how you wanted it to be just as how you anticipated when she was there. Do not ever give a slight thought to your mind that she is not there, just as the thought crosses your mind repeat silently, she watching from behind, what you are doing, and you will smile see. But sometimes even that trick does not work. It is okay to shed a tear and feel but the pain remains the same, it may increase but never decrease. So, enlarge your pain pool so that it does not impact you. There is a saying that pain is not lessened by sharing.

A few days later a small article was published in the local newspaper describing the incident. And a video footage of my mom lying dead in the center of the road, was shot on a mobile phone by some guy and was circulated. Unfortunately, there is no CCTV in the periphery to witness what truly happened on that day and it is still painful to see her lying there as an orphan on the busy road.

Life throws at us different challenges, and we it depends on us how we receive it. Do not react in such situations and give yourself the required time to process it. After all I am also a normal human who has emotions, feelings, and compassion. By the way my productive habits helped me so much to cope with the situation. Being a solitary person and an introvert, it is still more challenging, but even today I try my best every day to live life fully and not to be dragged back because of some unfortunate event. I start the day with meditation and jogging early morning; really having a sound mind and athletic body prevents you for being a victim of misery. Try to maintain equilibrium in your life and control your emotion, feeling, do not be slave of your mind but be a master of it. Discipline your life even in the chaos, to experience fruits of your efforts.

But even today while sitting idle sometimes, I break down and tears fill my eyes while having a flash back of my life with my mom. Yes, it is a painful journey, that I wish no should ever experience. Do not neglect the loved ones, especially our parents who raised us to be what we are today. Spend some time with them daily and share your thoughts, because that is the treasure you will be left with at the end. We might never know what will happen and when they are gone you will know their importance. There is a common drawback among human beings to take lightly with ones who are close to us thinking it is normal to behave in such fashion. But time passes by and when the soul of near dear one reaches heaven, we realize how my I love and miss her.