Trying to seem cool

Yes the Taylor Swift called Eldest Daughter inspired me to write this piece. I may not be an Eldest Daughter but damn that song hits hard especially the line i have been afflicted by a terminal uniqueness i've been dying just from trying to seem cool. In case you haven't read my previous pieces I am a bit of a unique soul! I am not complaining at all!

I think normalcy is a myth. I don't condone it. Please be your wierd self. Don't conform to other people's standards. You can still be a good person and tell people to kick rocks! that's the hardest lesson i've had to learn over the years.

I'd like to get a bit personal with you for a moment if that's okay. (As if I haven't already in the past) I mean I've written about everything except my blood type (I don't know that lol) I used to have really fucked up beliefs about love and boundaries. I unknowingly allowed people to treat me like crap. I know SO much better now. I know damn well i deserve better and am more then happy to enforce boundaries and tell people off.

I know there are people that are wondering how I am going to find someone if I am so boundaried, Well the answer is simple: the RIGHT person will respect my boundaries and love me for me. They will have earned the right to have all of me and sides of me that nobody else gets to see. See being with me is a privledge and I deserve to be treated like a queen. I have very high standards and I expect people to meet those.

I completley understand that relationships are a two way street and of course I would want to meet my partners standards as well. BUT the street is two ways. So I would expect to be treated well in return. VERY well in fact. over the last 10 years i've learned what I don't deserve and what i don't want. I want a good person. A person who understands me on a level that nobody else would.

So I wonder if i will ever find that, i doubt it sometimes to honest. But I have to hope that if I keep praying I will find someone. Maybe I am not getting what I want because I deserve better or am called higher. I'm so happy to say that I now know better, I know that i need to be patient and understand that I'm working so hard on my life and building my heart back up. And reworking my beliefs that i've held like an oath for years. I have a deeply held belief that all men are assholes. And by all men i mean straight men. (I LOVE MY GAYS!) I love love gay men! I need to work on my hatred of straight men. Not all of them are bad and i need to keep reminding myself. I want to believe that some men are great!

But i haven't been shown anything else. All the men I have tried to love or let in have been jerks. I need to be shown different and proven otherwise and actually believe it. I need 100% proof and a perfect human. I don't trust easily, so the right guy better work hard to earn my heart. I'm not doing this again. I'm not getting my heart broken and stepped on. the next guy is my last. I'm not going through that again. I don't deserve it, everr. I know better.