To the Only "Sus scrofa domesticus" I’ve Ever Admired

Dear Miss Piggy,

It’s an indisputable fact that my childhood was enviably outstanding with you in it. That, in and of itself, would be sufficient acknowledgment, but I need big. Waaay BIGGER!

No doubt you’ve ensnared countless covert and overt admirers over the years with a unique and unforgettable persona, and they’d relish this international forum for such expressive devotion.

But I’m the one writing the letter.

(Yays to infinity!)

I can only guesstimate at the young girls, now grown, (eyes lit-fire from your example) who have been turning the world on its backside by flinging misogynistic, antiquated, inequitable perspectives and practices aimed at women to the curbiest curb.

I get this ‘no-holds-barred’ concentrated and uncensored nitty-gritty platform to “Woo-hoooo” the multi-faceted muppet magnificence that took the world by a category 5 ‘her-ricane,’ never disintegrated and never looked back.

Because you became a force of nature.

A long-awaited disturbance in the timeline to be celebrated.

I remain ever grateful for how you showcased ambitiousness with the diva-esc grace of an unapologetic go-getter. You taught me early in life that it’s okay to play ruthlessly to win and not worry ‘bout what you look like while doing it. Perhaps in part, my competitive streak grew from watching you pursue premier casting roles on The Muppet Show or engaging in “aggressive negotiations” when developments were not to your liking.

You epitomized fearless.

And damned relentless about it.

Infused in my femininity are character traits like yours that emanate caramel sweetness but possess no DNA traces whatsoever for “pushover.”

What the heck is that disgustingness???

Don’t e'en hafta raise mah voice to discharge nth-degree levels of righteous rage replete with choice colorful adjectives fit for literary publications.

With ease, you wore both your fabulousness and flaws, eradicating decades of debilitating perfectionism that held women to ridiculous standards.

You kept it real.

Thus, when pushed beyond reasonable limits, what a godsend of an example for me to see you back…people…de…eff…up!

Your demonstrated authoritativeness modeled a gem of an example for a shy and quiet little me (even though it took me a while) to remember such lessons via hilarious scenarios.

Amidst the socio-political climate of social activism like #metoo #BlackLivesMatter #BringBackOurGirls #LetAfghanGirlsLearn, you are an untouchable icon of #Donteventhinkaboutstoppingthisriseandshine.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the asinine chauvinist response to #mybodymychoice by 'mutha-fiving A-holes' spewing the filth #yourbodymychoice, started a private group consultation with you that ended in #myfootyourass.

All over the planet, perhaps women and girls are fighting back after wide-eyed witness of Miss Piggy karate-chopping the bejesus outta a clueless somebody on children’s TV programming. Not even your then Beloved Kermit would dare go there!

As a result, women and girls like me are telling the patriarchy that we’ll wear what we want, choose our own hairstyles, study and better our lives, not be limited to marriage/baby-making/childrearing commodities, accept nothing less than equitable wages and job opportunities, shut the whole shebang down with the 4B Movement, etc, etc., and deliver the worst ass-kicking achievable (suuuure, let’s say figuratively speaking for legalities’ sake) until satisfactory resolution. Cuz sounds like you, Mizz Piggy-thang, modelled Mama. And if Mama ain’t happy…ain’t NOBODY happy.

What’s more, an impeccable wardrobe and professional demeanor never prevented you from stepping up to the plate to battle via a stink-face glare, soft dramatic laugh (to let a body know that was NOT funny,) and a hard left in voice tone. I took silent glee in a reputation that preceded you, and I also became adept at wielding my verbal communication like a fine-tuned, fully automatic, state-of-the-art weapon.

The Diva who helped redefine beauty standards and feminine character from the caveman era. Thanks for that!

You weren’t overweight, you were voluptuous. And held self-determination, not solely as self-centeredness, but as a star who needed to shine on a syndicated stage. Interviews. Feature Films.

You were not an overly emotional loose cannon, just a feisty no-BS-taking, proud, she-warrior with a taste for first-class everything.

Never one to be confined by age, experience, species, or culinary taste, Miss Piggy, you not only broke the mold but ground it into teensy-tiny bits under your six-inch designer stilettos.

I am one courageous, indebted recipient amongst many who refuse to be confined by my age or resume/accomplishments. I will love whomever I want and certainly eat whatever I want…as a finicky, borderline vegan, gluten-averse, organic and wholefoods aficionado that is.

Sure as hell won’t concede to any pervert, dutty futharmucker, shithead, senseless, president, prime minister, premier, politician, or any other leader/representative that refuses to respect, as well as honor, the rights, contributions, and divine spirit-nature of women and girls until the end of all time.

Je ne suis pas celui-là…parce que de toi ma cherie ! (Translation: I am not the one…because of you my darling.)

I am grateful for how you kept the spunk alive after all these years. Let me know when you’re free for a legal Armageddon to take down a repressive and unjust government or two. We can do dinner and drinks after.

Holla at ya gurrl!

Hugs,

The Dani Writer