5 Ways to Stop Saying You’re Fine When You’re Not

When the levels of ridiculousness are hellur deep and so exponentially long to explain that you flinch internally at the question guaranteed to be asked, therefore, it’s sometimes easier to just say, “I’m alright. How you doing?”

Please don’t say it.

Don’t give the standard trite response when in agony.

Yes, I’m asking you to be brave, brazen perhaps. But also, to be a support-seeker and self-honoring being at the same time when necessary.

How many people walk around right now with a façade of themselves to show a vast public, as degenerative decay continues inside unabated on a daily?

NOT cool.

It ain’t about pouring your darkest issues and woes to the first person who asks. It’s about taking ownership of HOW you communicate with people because YOU are ALWAYS listening to yourself.

When you consistently tell another person you are fine when you are not, what message does that convey to the conscious/subconscious you?

That the way you feel is not a priority? That acknowledgment of emotions makes you immature/abnormal/unreliable/weak/burdensome? That you need to push everything inside down when working a 40+ hour week to be fully present for your family when dead tired? That you’re risking chronic hypertension to compete with AI?

When your lights are about to be cut off…are lost, scared, or shocked beyond capacity…don’t have a living clue or another resource on how to feed your children…on the verge of a nervous breakdown…need emergency medical care but don’t have insurance or your cat just died, etc., there exists this origin-mysterious societal norm that needs chucking out of every top-story window.

Be fine, alright, good, or okay cuz there ain’t time/resolve/capacity/money/resources for nuthin’ else.

You are not a one-person hospitality committee covering the customer service desk with additional marketing rota assigned twice a week requiring a friendly professional demeanor 24/7. (If, in fact, you are, we really should talk asap.)

Without question, you are not required to bare your soul to everyone you meet. Passersby on the sidewalk. The service staff at store checkouts. The preschooler who feeds ducks at the lake.

But feel free to prep/prime that proverbial window of opportunity with your authentic choice of words and the creation of an action ripple to help shift the way we biped mammals speak to one another, opening the potentiality that we do indeed care about one another.

Please determine the context for the following responses as they are situation specific:-

1.“I’m looking for things to improve.”

An optimistic response that doesn’t paint a bed of roses yet doesn’t come across as emotionally heavy for a recipient not expecting it either. Not only is it a positive affirmation, but it also engenders a genuine interest in personal backstory that you may or may not choose to supply details for.

2.“I’ve had __________ happen and I’m trying to collect myself.”

Straightforward and concise. It leaves the ball squarely in the listener’s court for decided action without any pressure whatsoever. How can one argue or deny facts? Shit just happened to me and I am in the post-shit processing part of my after-shit experience.

I remember being at work once and asking a colleague how they were. They replied, “My daughter just tried to commit suicide.”

Everything else stopped cuz there was no way that ‘business as usual’ would be served that day.

3.“I know that I am good but I don’t feel good.”

This shows the time taken to evaluate your condition and identify the truth. Nothing about this says burdensome. This makes a clear distinction between oneself and the external stimulus impacting the self.

All biological organisms respond to stimuli…unless they’re dead.

You are not an anomaly. Our complex neurological infrastructure surpasses the most complex of mathematical formulas and algorithms, so please cut you some slack and say this once in a while instead.

4.“I’m not okay right now and I’m giving myself permission to say it.”

Cathartic to say the least. A bold direct approach that leaves no error whatsoever for interpretation.

5.*Shake head side to side* (Except in Bulgaria where this ‘no’ means ‘yes’.)

When you don’t have words, this is the equivalent universal distress sign for choking. The ‘true humanity humans’ will stay and try to help because they get it. The rest…well…the positive takeaway is that you haven’t wasted your breath on them. You may need that breath someday.

As we used to say as children…

”I may need that breath to tell my grandchildren something on my deathbed.”

True story.

Yeah, we were a consecutive, multiple-reincarnated generation bunch of kids.

(And we never lied about the way we felt when someone asked.)

Just when you’re feeling crappy and thought there couldn’t possibly be a way to shift a paradigm…

But hey, a few small steps during the journey help shift day by day, an entire culture of unhealthy communication practices.

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Originally published in Bouncin' and Behavin' Blogs on Medium