This is me;

Before you read this, I would like to let you know it is a journal entry of mine. I have removed a few things as to not traumatize people who may be in abusive relationships. You may also think "why is this a candid story of who she is?" Well, I will tell you at the end of this very remarkably true journal entry to my significant other.

I have made excuses and defended you to my family. I'm afraid to reach out for help or talk to you about both of our behaviors. Both of our behaviors and actions have been unacceptable, narcacistic and I am ashamed and embarrassed to even admit I have been acting and treating you (and myself) that way. We both have displayed this behavior.

What we are doing to each other is psychological abuse.

I constantly think something is wrong with me. And that I deserve to be in this love-hate relationship.

When we argue I don't feel respected and feel I am unable to finish explaining something.

I started to feel like I can't get most things right in your eyes.

It hurts me to even think I could act that way towards people I love.

I know you don't mean the hurtful things you say to me.

I usually end up feeling that it was all my fault for everything. Like I forced myself to say mean things to you, that way you will continue to retaliate in the same manner. I feel I keep trying harder and harder to please you but it never works. I see you're always trying to impress me and I just don't notice.

I doubt what is normal in a relationship. Such as, arguing is part of a healthy relationship or that it's normal to fight; both of which are false.

Our relationship was amazing and filled with love and compassion, understanding and we both had shown we were both staying with each other because we cared deeply for each other. We had both given up on relationships but must have seen something fabulous between us because we dove in headfirst.

I have been trying to find anything to affirm old actions and behaviors from abusive relationships. They are creeping in my behavior and I actually look and find abuse actions in our once pure relationship.

I rarely trust my judgments anymore. I have trouble making decisions for myself and usually will ask you to do them for me because I feel I can't trust myself.

I fear something might be off in the relationship. I use to be confident and happy; honest and patient. My heart was filled with love and compassion. Most of the time I was completely selfless and would teach strangers the art of it. I used to love going on adventures, now I hide in the bedroom. All these being absent in my life tells me there is something not right about the behaviors we have both been displaying in our relationship. I am too scared to speak up, that's why I am writing it. I will do my best to read it to you. I hope we will both be patient and use only kind words.

In some of these situations you want or need me to be codependent on you. And I'm not that personality type but, I have been extremely codependent. I am usually completely dependent.

I feel I got so scared to talk to you because when I was finally able to feel comfortable with conversations about our relationship you began to Use the information I divulged to you, as a tool to hurt me. I am not saying any of this to hurt you either.

I absolutely love you. So fucking much. It hurts though. Right now. Our relationship is damaging. So I tried to look for things to break it. Believe me, I still want to make it better. I have even asked my clinician to refer me to couple counseling. Because deep down from the seed of my heart, I do know your truly not this mean person you've become towards me. That We both have become. We are monsters to each other.

I believe we both know that to be true. But, tell me if I'm wrong. Because of the monster-ish acts we have inflicted on each other and on our selves we have become lost.

So, I instantly went into protection mode and I started to retaliate doing the same thing to you. Using your insecurities to stab. and they sure drew blood.

Because of the psychological abusers, My body has been conditioned to react a certain way when I become threatened and when hurtful things were said I would defend myself from my abuser; using their method.

Then, the comments my/our family said about you (things I knew from you to be incorrect, I trusted you from the first time we hung out. I knew you were genuine and truthful but,) instantly made me question my decision to stay with you.

Eventually, I found myself trying to find things to get upset at you with. I tried to make reasons for you to leave me because I didn't have the strength to leave you.

And I was seeing you as an abuser. Because that was what I was used to. And the choices I have made and most of my actions were not the true me. I would act purely on impulse.

It really hurts when you just walk past me when I'm crying.

This really makes me feel unwanted and insignificant. I started not being able to stand the sound of the drill when you would use it. I have been feeling you care less about me and that your games and comedians and news programs get more attention than your dogs or me.

Though I honestly believe you love to touch me as much as I love to touch you. I believe we both brought unwanted old actions because we both made each other feel threatened

I'm not nice any longer. I am no longer happy in this relationship. I'm am so ashamed of how I let myself act and behave toward someone I fell in love with. I acted in malicious and hurtful ways to both you, my daughter, and myself. I feel that recently when I go to kiss you, you're not into it or rush it to be done. This is not who I am or what I am about.

Do you remember when we would get that rush and butterfly feeling when we kissed or touched? If we are going to get through this it's going to take us both lots of work, forgiveness, and understanding.

I started to react to things like loud noises or I would cower from a movement you did or at something you said.

But, what I see in you; is you are not doing this purposely, (here I go trying to make or tame excuses for you) you felt I was threatening. (like you had been many times in your past before we got together) You would think everything was a stab at your ego; insulting you. When I would say could you clean up your mess, please, you would get hurt.

This behavior though has to stop. We can't keep treating each other the way we have been. It is unhealthy for our whole family.

We are going to lose everything we worked at building.

I'm not prepared to do that. (is what I tell myself)

As of late you also go to an autopilot mode. (I may be wrong but,) It seems that since I have been in therapy, you've become manipulative towards me and I'm not sure of the reason. Maybe you were treated that way when you were in therapy, something got in you. This made me retaliate and began to have panic attacks. Are you not supposed to support your friends and family in therapy?

And no matter what I talk to you about; when it's about us I always feel I have said the wrong thing and don't trust myself to say things that don't make you feel unwanted. I think you'll say I don't trust you. That sends me in a panic because those things were said by my psychological abusers. I really don't want to think you are. You're kind and sensitive. You're funny and committed. You are enjoyable to be around. You are smart and are an amazing kisser, you hold me like it's the last time we'll embrace each other.

I told you I have bad PTSD from psychological and physical abuse so yelling or talking with loudness, or calling me names like dumb to keep it light, or invading my privacy. When I tell you to stay out of the bedroom; because I need a cooldown, collect thoughts time; but you push your way in or when you start plea that you love me in the same sentence. I know how much you love me, I think anyway. But this love-hate combo has to go! And I'm only saying those things because I'm trying to protect myself. If we absolutely love each other and ourselves we will do whatever it takes to change. I don't know how much more I can say to show you how much you mean to me and how much our behaviors have hurt us. It's tainting any love we have for each other.

I enjoy cleaning our apartment. All I wanted was for you to pick up after you've made a mess. Seems I can't even talk to you about it because I feel that it's just something petty and unimportant to you. But you know, it's important to me that I can have my own things organized and clean and I should be able to trust everyone to use my belongings. Or your desk, I try to say something about it; that it's not got done yet and it's been months. All your "projects" are now all over the house.

I think you're a great person. You're a wicked father, and a solid friend. I am lost right now though with all this going on in our lives. The insults, You told me I am a horrible mother. I don't think I will ever heal from that. I struggle each day with how I behave as a mother. I know I am not your traditional type of mother but I know I'm a good mother. Or the other thing you said how I have been in therapy for 4, months now and it didn't help. That's not true at all. It's a childish and horrible thing for anyone to say. And it was very hurtful and disempowering. I never acted like this in my life. And since I am saying these mean things to you as well, there definitely is something that is not right about our relationship. If our actions do not change this will be the end but, we both apologize for our actions and stop ourselves and look out for each other, I know we can be all that we were to each other again.

True story, I would keep trying to make this relationship work. It is in my blood to forgive anyone. I know that humans are not born mean or abusive. These traits are learned behavior. They can be changed. I believe that if people hurt others it is usually because they were victims, and now are trying to protect themselves. They must have been abused or had trauma leading them to the behaviors.

So, now I am at a crossroads. I am safe physically and I do have other places I can go if the verbal abuse doesn't stop before my lease ends. It is up in 35 days and I am counting each one. Looking for a home for my children and me. I also have lots of supports. All and all even though he did not respond to this when I told him this, he never apologized for the mean things he had been saying and continued to call me dumb. I will still try to help him, even if we do not continue our once loving relationship I feel I have an obligation to mankind to help and guide humans back into the light.

Blessings