Angel

I do not know where to start. I literally have put up a wall. I get 99% done of which ever task I have tried to do done than the down-talking or self-sabotage starts. That voice in the back of my head starts repeating beliefs I have held on to since a child. Things I had never fully understood. Things like: You will never succeed. Should I write about this? Does this even make sense? Do people want to hear about this? It’s important to me that no one suffers any longer. Why do you want to help these people? It is important to me that no one is in pain, that no one brings their pain with them for over 30 years, as so many have. You're fighting for a cause that will be ongoing. There will always be abuse, so what is the point? This is my life purpose. I will show everyone whom wants to listen that we can be liberated of our old ways of thinking. One day sexual, mental, verbal, physical abuse will be abolished. All the sufferers will learn how to allow feelings and emotions to pass through us and not take hold and control us.

The first time I visited her home the smell of marijuana and coffee could be smelt from down the street. Leave your shoes and bags on the stairs. She could hear us coming up the staircase.

I decided to just start writing, see how it turns out. Either I'll be told not to publish it, or remove some parts. Or this will be published and I will succeed at introducing my mother, Angela Richmond-Femia or Angel. No, she was not my birth mother but my spiritual mother, my friend, my teacher. What started as a friendship turned into Angel being the grandmother to my children. You would never know how much she suffered because she would not gloat, she would not pity, she would not guilt. She was a being so hurt from abuse. When Angel and I started to open up to each other, I did not understand how she could shine so bright. Despite her tribulations she was impacted by, she still to this day guides so many.

She heard our voices and instantly was at the top of the staircase before we had walked up a third of them. She was barefoot. At least half her toes were covered in jewelry, one of which had a chain connecting a toe ring to an ankle bracelet with dangling stars. All of which were silver. She wore grey yoga pants and a t-shirt that was at least five sizes too big. The neck was stretched to the point most of the threads were torn, you could barely call it a seam. She had cut the sleeves off but the sides still came down to her elbows. Her fingers were covered in silver and gold rings, there were at least eleven stone-beaded bracelets and only one of three charmed necklaces could be seen. She had Braided hair wraps amongst her long, full and shiny hair.

She taught if and when a fellow citizen, friend, child or anyone informs you that they have been abused, in any way, even bullied by another person your reaction will determine the outcome of their mental health and wellbeing for their entire lifetime. If you’re the first person they are telling and your response is not humbling, compassionate and completely about how they are, their wellbeing can be at stake. If you feel uncomfortable listening to them without bias, tell them that.

She wore the biggest smile and smelt like pachouli. “Oh! Your finally here! I hear-d-ded all about you” she said in a silly tone, tapping her foot. I put my daughter Dailynn down on the top step and started to take my backpack off. “No, No, no! You guys don’t leave your things there, you can bring them in, but take your shoes off,” she said, still holding the same smile on her face. She showed us where to put our bags. “Want a Coffee? I just put a fresh pot on. Cups are there in the

cupboard” and she pointed to the cupboard above the sink. Moving her finger slightly to the left “and there is your sugar and spoons.” She sat down on the chair and looked at Dailynn who quickly hid her face between my bag and leg. “What might your name?” I pushed Dailynn in the direction of a chair beside the now bouncing woman. “I’m Angel, I was a little girl too. Want some toys to play with?” she looked around the room, still seated in her chair and pointed to a clear Tupperware bin. “Bring that closer, please, so she can play. Are you thirsty? There are waters and juices in the fridge. Go pick one, then we can play.” Dailynn was only two maybe, but she looked much older as she was two and a half feet tall.

Every event we are faced with leaves an imprint. This imprint is always attached to a feeling or emotion. For example, think about your first kiss or first love. Do you remember how when you kissed you got butterflies in your stomach? Remember how you would tell your best friend about it or think about that event and the same feeling would rush over you? That is an imprint. For some of us, this imprinted memory can be recalled and relived for 10 even 50 years. So, imagine when events of traumatic nature are lived through and the people you confide in only downplayed the event. We put walls up. I find that a lot of people are too uncomfortable to speak out about abuse. Angel ran a non-profit organization called, LoveCry a street kid’s organization. Angel taught all who came to her that we are stuck in a pain society, a love hate cycle. We are addicted to pain, greed and hate. It’s time we are given the ability to put these emotions to rest. It’s time to thank all that was past so that our futures can be filled with love, joy and contentment. If these feelings and emotions some hold on to from being abused are not confronted, accepted then let go, our lives will become toxic. Angel was only 4 years old when her world was shattered by a family member. She devoted half of her life to standing up from everyone on the street. She knew that the main reason they were on the street was because they had been abused and their families shunned them, pushed them away, called them a liar, downplayed. Their families shut the door on them. Some would turn to abusing drugs, their bodies, or doing whatever it took to survive. Here is an exert from her unpublished autobiography. I am trying to raise enough money to publish her book as well as have as plant as many trees in her name as I can.

{“When I told my mother about this violation, I lost my family. My mom was afraid that if I told the other family members about what happened some deep dark secret of her own would be exposed. Of course, I had no idea of what that was until much later when my grandmother told me what happened to my mother as a child.”}

The first time I met him, he told me he couldn’t understand how a human could be so selfless. He was baffled that there were people in this world who emanate such beauty and wanted to learn how to untie what had been unwillingly bestowed upon him in this life. ~

In this world, I bet that there are more people who claim they would have helped an abused neighbor. Yes, I said that right! “would have” helped, I really hope that people have woken up from the secrecy implored by ‘authoritative’ modalities. Most parents tell their child, or a friend, ‘If’ a situation should occur, that they are a safe person to talk to, no one is allowed to force or be forced by another person, to do anything that deemed harm towards anyone. You must always tell them or someone about the situation. blah, blah, blah..... Ya, I said that, I’ll be straight, I probably shouldn’t have said that. Please do not be offended. I know what it's like to be throw in a backwards loop. I hope no one will get the wrong impression. Think I am only doing this for attention? I don’t want to tell you who caused me pain. I don’t want to go through details. I did this instead, I let it go. Mom, if you are reading this,

Wait! Inhale. Hope your sitting with your back straight, shoulders back. Or laying down. Tree pose. Count to 5. Hold for 3. Exhale, counting to 5. bend forward, let arms dangle. Hold for 3. Inhale slower back to tree pose all the way feeling your lungs expand. Imagine roots from your feet extending deep within our mother earth. And branches with lush foliage, recycling our carbon monoxide. Now, exhale slowly, matching previously. This time hold counting to 3. Inhale clean fresh oxygen, Life Force. Hold for 5. Exhale hard, only half way. Stop! Pause, Inhale. Exhale.

I would like to say that there are no words to describe how I am grateful for my mother and father. I would not be here today if it was not for the two of you. Mothers and fathers are and should be shown more appreciation for raising children, no matter what behaviors were picked up by their child's little sponge brains. No parent knows what they are doing and we do what we have to do to survive. To keep our children safe. Sometimes we think we are protecting them but that can turn on them and us quickly. No one is at fault. We have made mistakes. This does not mean we or they are broken. There was not enough information. So, mom, I want you to know, that from the outer depths of the universe, you were and are very much appreciated for raising me. There are some behavioral and genetic things you and dad passed on. Beliefs, that maybe you never actually believed in. Habits, pick up to protect. Morals we never knew why we followed some. Perceptions created by the beliefs, habits, and morals. Things I’m not sure some of us even agree on. The past is the past and there all the hurts and pains I accumulated during childhood will remain where its occurred.

I LET IT BE.

There is no hidden meaning behind it. It is just.

And I thank you and forgive you.

Angel I feel you from the brightest depth of our universe; you shine just as glorious as every other entity in the known universe. You are brilliant, you are encouraging, you bestow breathless love, you teach about forgiveness. I would not be the woman I am today if my and dad were not my parents. I hope I have not caused any negative emotion and I ask for you to forgive me for putting you through, at times, situations that created tensions within our relationship. Angel gave me a perspective on life and helped me to come to term of the abuse I suffered with my whole life. And there were more in my 20’s and 30’s. I know I was a difficult child, teen, adult, all of it. All you deserve a standing ovation.

Angel I am so glad our friend introduced us. I can finally relax. ‘about what?’ she asked. That I found someone who knows about the unknown, the everything not tangible. ‘Ya, Ya! Of course. Our friend told me that you may have things you can teach me as well?’ And I need to know how you don’t let your past abuse affect you now. We both sat and smiled. “I will teach you, just always be honest”

Dailynn noticed I couldn’t keep the smile off my face from the long relationship that was to bring some of the most soulful memories I have trudged through.

If anyone wants to hear more about Angel or more about my life. Please let me know what you think through email or donation. I want to ask for donations to have my mother’s book published. I do not want to make anything off her book. Angel ran a non-profit organization and her book will be distributed to anyone that can benefit from how she coped through a life full of hurts that could have been different had her family make different choices. So please if there are people who want to know about a modern-day saint. Help me by donating what you can. If you would like a copy of her book, email me with your details at [email protected]

Thank you for your time and listening.

Blessings of love and light to all