These Signs You're Coming On Too Strong, and the Solution to Stop Scaring Away Dates

We all know how uncomfortable it is to deal with pushy people. We’d never want to subject anyone to such behavior. No one consciously sets out to be annoying or overbearing, yet it’s surprisingly easy to show that side of yourself when you’re dating. You may not realize it, but you may be getting a little too “in your face” to be attractive, thus, coming on too strong.

You may have a mental image of what it means to come on too strong. You’re probably thinking of a scantily clad woman showcasing her goods to her date. She may use suggestive language as she seductively bites her lower lip. Heck, she might even go for the unexpected crotch grab!

Unfortunately, this poor caricature of an aggressive woman is nowhere near accurate.

In the modern dating scene where subtlety reigns supreme, it may be easy for you to think that you’re being subtle, when in fact, you’re making your date feel like prey. And that’s exactly why it’s so easy to be oblivious to the fact that you’re being way too forward.

The Truth Behind Coming on Too Strong

Understanding the psychology behind coming on too strong in dating, it’s like peeling back layers of an onion.

Each layer reveals something new about why some people might push too hard or move too fast in a romantic pursuit. Let’s get into the nitty-gritty of what’s going on beneath the surface.

The Warning Signs You’re Being a Little Too Aggressive Towards Your Date

Are you scaring your dates away before the check comes, unsure of what you’re doing wrong? Here are eight signs that will tell you if you’re coming on too strong.

1. E-inundation

Everyone loves the occasional call/text/tweet from an admirer. These quick messages not only show him that you’re thinking of him, but they also serve as an attempt to stay on a guy’s mind. In moderation, this gesture is sweet. In excess, e-inundation is just creepy.

When you blow up your date’s inbox after one or two excursions, you appear weak and needy. You don’t want to give anyone the impression that you’re desperate, especially your date.

2. Pop-ups

Pop-ups are surprise visits to a friend/loved one’s home or workplace. Pop ups are also for people in serious romantic relationships. Showing up at your date’s office unannounced with a picnic lunch may sound thoughtful, but I assure you, he will think you are guano crazy.

If you’d like to avoid restraining order status, wait for an invitation to stop by. When a man misses you, he’ll tell you with an “I miss you,” here, or a “when can I see you?” there. Trust me, if he’s into you, a pop up on your part won’t even be necessary. You’ll probably be on the receiving end of his advances.

3. Aggressive Flirting

Who among us doesn’t enjoy the art of flirtation? Of course, flirting is the fun, sexy foundation of dating. There’s nothing wrong with flirting with your date. If your flirtation turns to groping and heavy sexual innuendo, as a lady, you will run into trouble.

While flirting is a big part of dating, most guys would genuinely like to get to know you better. By laying your Lolita on too thick, you prevent him from learning who you are. He’ll become frustrated and ultimately disinterested. Hello, sixteen unanswered texts.

4. Staking Your Claim

The “where is this going?” talk can be the first step toward a long, healthy relationship. However, having such a discussion after only a few dates can be the kiss of death.

As much as you enjoy his company, if you’ve only been on a few dates, this loaded question puts your crush under way too much pressure. You’re also doing yourself a disservice.

Think about it: what if he says, “Let’s be together,” then turns out to be a complete spaz? Now, you’re sweating in a hell of your creation, because you couldn’t be cool.

Instead of freaking him out, relax, have fun, and let things progress naturally. If you’d still like to be exclusive after a few months, but he hasn’t brought up the topic, feel free to speak your piece.

5. The Aisle Six Shuffle

Similar to the pop-up, the aisle six shuffle involves frequently “bumping into” your date at his favorite grocery store/coffee shop/jock strap boutique.

Running into him every once in a while at a place you both frequent is one thing. But stalking his Insta-flick locations, then showing up at a bar three cities over because you were “in the area,” is another.

If the aisle six shuffle fits your M.O., we’d like to let you in on something: you are setting yourself up for a world of pain. How will you feel when you see him sitting with his friends, pointing at you and telling them, “That’s the crazy chick I’ve been telling you about. Yup, the one who won’t leave me alone?”

I’ll do you one better: How will you feel when you see him sitting at the table with his arm around someone who’s actually captured his interest? That’s the thing about coming on too strong— you can’t make anyone maintain their interest in you. If he’s not into you, there’s nothing you can do but move on.

6. Baby Talk

What would you say if a complete stranger approached you on the street and asked you to marry him or be the mother of his children?

No matter how attractive he appeared, you would be uncomfortable and apprehensive to say the least. The only difference between this scenario and a family planning convo during a date is the setting.

You don’t want to freak your date out. Telling him he’d make a great father on your first outing is a surefire way to do just that. Not only will you come across as creepy, but you’ll inevitably make yourself too available, which is a sign of desperation. Remember, you’re too strong and too cute to be desperate.

Don’t discuss getting married, having children, or moving in together on your first few dates. As a matter of fact, you shouldn’t talk about having children or joint living spaces, until you’ve dated exclusively for quite some time.

7. Monopolizing Their Time

There’s a euphoria that comes with finding someone you truly like. You enjoy the way you feel when you’re around them and crave that feeling in their absence. That said, your date is his own person with his own friends and interests. Demanding that he spend all of his time with you, especially in the beginning, is a big no-no.

There’s an old saying that rings true in instances where couples spend too much time together: “Familiarity breeds contempt.” What that means is the more time you spend with one another, the faster you’ll grow tired of each other’s unfavorable little idiosyncrasies.

8. Too Much Too Soon

No one is perfect, and everyone has skeletons in their closets. Anyone in a strong relationship will tell you that honesty is an instrumental part of their bond. That said, you can be too honest too soon, and your first date is no country for tales of your sordid past.

It’s easy to let your words flow when you find someone you can connect with on a personal level. Disclosing your secrets, vulnerabilities, or sins from past relationships will make your date uncomfortable and encourage him to look at you in a different light. You want to put your best face forward, not send him running.

Ways Coming on Too Strong Can Ruin Things

Curious about how coming on too strong can possibly put a damper on a budding romance? Well, it’s a bit like adding too much salt to a dish – it can overpower all the other flavors.

In the world of dating, being overly forward or intense can have similar effects, turning what could be a beautiful thing into something less palatable.

Let’s take a closer look at ten ways coming on too strong can unintentionally put the brakes on a promising relationship.

1. Creating Pressure

When you come on too strong, it can feel like pressure on the other person. They might feel like they need to make quick decisions about the relationship, which can be pretty overwhelming. The pressure can lead to discomfort and a desire to back off.

2. Diminishing the Mystery

Part of the excitement of new relationships is the mystery and gradual discovery. But if you lay all your cards on the table right away, there’s not much left to uncover. Keeping some things back initially can add to the allure and interest in a relationship.

Remember, if you’re in the early stages, you’re still in the ‘getting to know each other’ phase. This period is all about exploration and learning bit by bit. It’s a time to savor the process of discovering new aspects about each other, rather than rushing to reveal everything at once.

Pacing yourself not only maintains the intrigue but also allows the relationship to develop a solid and more meaningful foundation.

3. Setting Unrealistic Expectations

If you’re showering them with too much attention or lavish gifts early on, you might be setting the bar unrealistically high for the future.

Relationships need room to grow and evolve naturally. We’re not saying be stingy or hold back on showing affection, but it’s about finding a middle ground.

It’s important to express interest and care in a way that’s sustainable over the long term. By doing so, you allow the relationship to develop organically, creating a more authentic and lasting bond.

4. Ignoring Their Comfort Zone

Everyone has their pace in a relationship, and coming on too strong can mean you’re not respecting their boundaries. It’s important to sync up with each other’s comfort levels.

5. Overwhelming Them with Attention

Bombarding someone with messages, calls, or plans can quickly go from sweet to smothering. While it might seem endearing at first, a constant stream of attention can soon feel overwhelming. This kind of over-enthusiasm is often linked to love bombing, a term used when one person showers another with excessive affection and attention as a means of gaining control or significantly accelerating the pace of the relationship.

While the intent might not always be manipulative, it’s important to be aware of this pattern. Balance is key to ensure that your attentions are well-received.

Show that you care without making the other person feel like they’re at the center of a relentless spotlight. By maintaining a respectful and measured approach, you ensure that your affection is seen as genuine and thoughtful, rather than overpowering.

6. Risk of Dependency

If you come on too strong, it can create a dynamic of dependency, where your happiness overly relies on the relationship. Healthy relationships are about interdependence, not dependence.

7. Skipping Important Relationship Steps

By rushing things, you might skip essential stages of relationship development. These stages lay the groundwork for a stronger bond. If you’re coming on too strong, there’s a risk of glossing over the little but important steps that solidify a relationship’s foundation.

For instance, taking the time to understand each other’s communication styles, learning about each other’s interests and backgrounds, and gradually integrating into each other’s social circles are all pivotal.

8. Creating a Superficial Connection

When everything is intense from the start, you might miss out on building a deeper, more meaningful connection. It’s the difference between a flash in the pan and a slow-burning flame. The latter is usually what sustains a lasting relationship.

Sometimes, in the whirlwind of dating and new relationships, it’s easy to miss the signs that you’re coming on too strong.

It happens to the best of us – getting caught up in the excitement and anticipation, only to inadvertently push a bit too hard. It’s a common misstep in the dance of dating, one that many of us don’t even realize we’re making.

While there are several ways to be coming on too strong, there’s honestly only one solution: calm down. We often come on too strong as a result of overanalyzing situations when we’re nervous, anxious or excited.