The Relationship With an Emotionally Unavailable Partner, What to Expect, and How You Can Improve It

The relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner can be extremely frustrating and difficult: no matter how hard you try to get closer to your partner, he remains withdrawn, closed in on himself, as if unable to communicate intimately, to show you what is inside him.

An emotionally unavailable partner is hiding behind a mask - willingly or unwillingly, he has created a wall of protection, protection against human closeness and intimacy.

When you have a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, you may feel that it is your fault - that he/she remains distant, closed in on himself or herself because there is something about him or her that would prevent him or her from getting more involved.

But this is not the case in most situations: your partner avoids any proximity, any major involvement in his desire (conscious or often subconscious) not to risk injury.

When you have a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner:

• When, even though you have been in a relationship for some time, you realize that you do not know the basics about him/her: about his/her family, about his / her life, about his / her dreams, desires, and fears;

• When you realize that your partner doesn't know you well either - because the unavailable one runs away from intimacy, he doesn't feel comfortable talking or listening to intimate things;

• When the partner, even though he tells you that he wants you by his side and that he loves you, does not show it to you, he always seems detached;

• When you feel that only you are trying to get involved, to make the relationship evolve;

• When your partner doesn't give you any time, being busy with others;

• When you have no sense of security in the relationship, when you feel that it could end at any time;

• When, simply, even though you are close to your partner, even though you touch him/her, you feel him/her far away and you feel alone…

Why your partner is emotionally unavailable:

An unhealed wound. Often, people who shut themselves down, who build a solid wall of defense, who hide under a mask of confidence and toughness, have suffered too much in the past.

They have lost someone important in their life or been betrayed in a bad way by a loved one. They felt rejected and alone - and the (often subconscious) way to defend themselves from another possible suffering was to move away from people, to refuse privacy. Rejecting a relationship that becomes so close that a person has the power to hurt them again.

These people who have been hurt in the past have not recovered, they have not overcome their pain - but they manage to hide it under a facade that often seems indifferent.

They have major problems trusting other people - from their point of view, trusting someone, letting someone get too close, opening up, and feeling honest is the same as discovering yourself, it leaves you in danger of being destroyed, wounded.

So, even though they want a partner, even if they want a relationship, they don't want and can't allow that partner to become too close, to become too important a person in their life, which could make them suffer.

Exacerbated egocentrism - sometimes an emotionally unavailable partner is just a person with an exacerbated egocentrism, more or less narcissistic. A person is incapable of empathy and does not have developed communication skills.

A person who focuses only on himself: perceiving and valuing only his own opinions, needs, desires. In a relationship with such a partner, you constantly see that you are being asked and being asked, while the other is not offering you anything.

He is the center and only what he thinks and feels matters. He wants his relationship as long as it suits him, but he has other priorities related to his life.

Fear of being "caught". More often in male partners, their emotional unavailability may come from the fear that once they become seriously involved in a relationship, once they become intimate with their partner, they will remain in the "trap", lose all freedom, and be controlled.

Perhaps the partner saw that in other relationships (such as that of his parents), the two partners were unhappy together but close to each other, unable to escape; and he is afraid that he will end up in this situation: related to a partner who no longer makes him happy and who controls his life. So a solution may seem to avoid real involvement, to avoid real intimacy with your partner.

A secret. An emotionally unavailable partner can also be so because he has a secret - often, he has another relationship or an adventure. Divided between two relationships or adventures, a person will not get very emotionally involved, preferring to remain at a more superficial level of closeness and knowledge.

When you haven't known him/her for a long time and you notice that he/she doesn't want a real closeness, you should ask yourself if he/she doesn't have someone else. And when your long-term partner becomes emotionally unavailable, becomes distant, the same is true.

Having a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner can be far too difficult: but when you love and want to do anything to save your relationship, the most important thing is to find out why it has become so self-contained, distant, unable to make intimate contact and talk to him/her.

Sometimes, your partner doesn't even realize or admit that he is unavailable - which makes the situation even worse for you. But you should never resign yourself to being with a person who hides from you, who refuses your privacy, who does not let you know her.