The Realisation

It's no secret that I spent over ten years of my life in a relationship with an abusive man. He was often aggressive and violent, and I spent much of that time walking on eggshells so as to avoid the inevitable arguments (and subsequent abuse).

I walked away from this relationship about ten months ago and my entire life has changed in so many ways since then. I could lie and say it's been easy - it hasn't. Not one bit. But it has been so worth it. Every sleepless night, every tear, every single panic attack... All of it has shaped me into the strong, independent woman I am right now.

What I want to focus on is the realisation I came to recently with the help of some friends. Abusive relationships are formed almost identically. Obviously the severity and form of the abuse differs from couple to couple, however the general outline remains the same.

The abuser and abused get together. Everything is great. Without the abused realising their outer circle begins to diminish - perhaps the abuser makes a sly comment about a friend or family member, or the friend takes a step back as they feel uncomfortable around the abuser... Not all at once. But slowly, slowly the isolation begins.

The abuser is fascinated by all aspects of the abused's life. Their hobbies, their friends, their routine, etc. This feels wonderful at first but can become suffocating. It's a way for the abuser to gain some control.

As the control and isolation increase, things may still appear fine. The issues arise whenever the abuser fears they may be losing their grip. They're told "no" or are questioned, and their might be a flash of their alter ego. It's easy to dismiss this once apologies are told - but these are RED FLAGS and must be viewed as they are.

Through the relationship their will be many instances where the abuser feels their control slipping, and thus the aggressive side comes out. It often increase in frequency and severity, and due to the isolation the abused may feel unable to now ask for help.

The abused may feel lonely, useless, worthless, etc. And so remains with the abuser.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and show all of the "abuseds" around that they're not useless and that there is hope. But what I can do is say there is help. Talk about it. Talk, talk, talk and never stop talking. Tell people. Anyone. Use helplines. Use local services.

By talking we beat the isolation. And we give back the power. When the abuser no longer has that control, no matter how much they try, the abused wins.

So talk. Talk openly about your experiences - past or present. Seek out help. Offer guidance.

You never know whose life you may just save.