The Psychology of Attraction

Why do we keep falling for people who aren’t interested?

We’ve all been there. Staring wistfully at someone who couldn’t care less, overanalyzing every small interaction, and sending ourselves into an emotional spiral over a person who might not even know our last name. So, why do we keep falling for people who just aren’t that into us? Is it a universal love curse, or is there some weird psychology behind it? Spoiler: it’s probably both.

1. The Thrill of the Chase (Yes, We’re Addicted)

Here’s the thing: humans love a challenge, and that includes romantic ones. When someone’s not reciprocating, it can trigger a dopamine rush. Dopamine’s the “feel-good” brain chemical, so every text or smile from them makes us feel rewarded. It’s like an unpredictable slot machine – they’re probably bad for us, but the thrill is just too addictive. Who needs simple, reciprocated affection when you could have drama and suspense?

2. Blame Your Attachment Style

Psychologists say we have different “attachment styles” based on our childhood. If you’re the “anxious” type, you might find yourself in a cycle of pining for people who are distant and emotionally unavailable. And if you’re an “avoidant” type, you might be attracted to people you know are out of reach because that keeps you from actually getting close. So basically, we’re wired to sabotage our own love lives. Great!

3. Hollywood Isn’t Helping

Let’s be honest, Hollywood loves unrequited love. From rom-coms to angsty dramas, we’re constantly sold the idea that loving someone against all odds is admirable – or even heroic. The reality? Chasing after people who don’t like you back isn’t romantic, it’s exhausting. But thanks to these heartwarming stories, we might feel like it’s part of some epic romantic journey (when it’s actually more of a dead end).

4. Low Self-Esteem (Yep, This Again)

Sometimes, when you don’t feel amazing about yourself, you start looking for people who confirm those insecurities. Liking someone who doesn’t like you back can make you feel like your doubts about yourself are “true.” It’s like being your own worst hype person – convincing yourself you’re not worth mutual love by falling for people who make that seem true.

5. It’s Not About Them – It’s About Us

Unrequited love can feel like it’s all about the person we’re pining after, but the truth is, it says a lot more about us. Why? Well, we’re drawn to people who embody things we feel we lack, so if you’re in love with someone “unavailable,” maybe there’s something in yourself that feels a little out of reach, too. (Deep, right?) In other words, sometimes the person we want is just a mirror reflecting what we need to work on in ourselves.

So, How Do We Stop?

Okay, so we know the “why.” But how do we quit the cycle? Here’s a quick and slightly brutal trick: every time you find yourself obsessing over someone who isn’t interested, ask yourself, “Would I actually want to date someone who doesn’t want me?” Because if they’re not into you now, they’re not going to suddenly change their mind in act three.

Here are a few more survival tips:

Find excitement elsewhere – Pick up a hobby, binge a series, or take up boxing. Anything to redirect that energy.

Reframe Hollywood – Watch a rom-com with a happy mutual love story, please.

Boost that self-love – Easier said than done, I know, but give yourself the respect you deserve, even if that means dodging crushes who aren’t worthy.


Final Thoughts.

So, next time you catch yourself obsessing over someone who’s just not giving you the same vibe, remind yourself: the thrill of unrequited love might be tempting, but mutual love? That’s the real prize. Plus, it comes with way fewer emotional plot twists.