The Portrait of the Narcissistic Mother

The narcissistic mother is capricious and inconsistent in what she does and says, seeking to train her children to satisfy her whims. Psychologists call her an "emotional vampire" because she beautifully manipulates the feelings of those around her and absorbs those of her child, causing her to perceive herself as an extension of her own.

In each of us hides a little Narcissus looking for his face in the mirror of water. "Many of us are selfish, envious, self-absorbed, more self-centered, arrogant, incapable of affection without going to extremes, and without questioning" pathological narcissism.

A minimum amount of "narcissism" is mandatory for each of us to be able to manifest as individuals, to be able to see the good parts of our personality, to have confidence in ourselves. But when narcissism becomes an inseparable part of a person's identity, things change radically. Then we can talk about extreme narcissism.

No one can deny the important role that the mother plays in a child's life and his future development. Reflexively, we associate the image of a mother with unselfish and generous love, with sincere and unconditional affection, with the availability of child protection.

A mother would be willing to walk up to the white canvases for her baby. The love of a mother, of any mother, is without limits… This is the template after which I built the portrait of a mother. But let's sketch the portrait of an atypical mother, a narcissistic mother.

Imagine a mother who refuses from the beginning the affection of a child who is forced to constantly argue with her, day by day, through gestures and actions to prove that she deserves the affection. Never love someone who doesn't love you in turn, says a wise saying.

But can you do this when such a person is implicitly part of your life, even the being who gave you life? If you can't, what can you do then? Do you still love her, hoping that one day she will change? Or, as an adult, to break any connection with her even if her heart breaks too?

Emotional abuse. When self-love is stronger than motherly love…

Narcissistic mother… Now she laughs at your joke and finds it funny, and the next moment she screams at you, finding her out of place and out of place. Now he blushes with rage because of your inappropriate behavior, ready to slap you, and the next moment he will tell everyone how proud he is of you.

He refuses to accept that his child has his desires and will use them to satisfy his desires. It intimidates and undermines his merits instead of encouraging him to express himself as an individual. She is capricious and inconsistent in what she does and says, aiming to train her children to satisfy her whims.

Psychologists call her an "emotional vampire" because she beautifully manipulates the feelings of those around her and absorbs those of her child, causing her to perceive herself as an extension of her own.

Even if she possesses a special intelligence, too caught up in the need to continue to assert herself, the narcissistic mother will be emotionally immature, unable to provide her child with a healthy emotional environment in which to grow and develop her personality.

Either she perceives herself as perfect, or she will be intensely concerned with the way others perceive her: in front of the whole world, she does not conceive of being DIFFERENT. Therefore, it is not excluded that sometimes it distorts the truth for its benefit. She does not tolerate others being praised in front of her and she will hardly accept even the praises of her children.

Sometimes, even unconsciously, he will try to diminish the importance of his child, humiliating him, making him feel bad, or minimizing his performances and successes.

A narcissistic person insists that only his person is entitled to love and affection and believes that he can only be wrong in exceptional cases. But then you will immediately find, with great ease, plausible excuses and credible explanations. When she is drawn to her mistakes, she becomes angry.

Criticism and manipulation are perfectly hidden under the guise of altruism: a narcissistic person always has the best intentions. Among the safest weapons of a narcissist are the words and sometimes the lies disguised as truth and truism "I want the best for you." You will often hear from his lips "I just wanted to help you", I did what needed to be done for you to be well "…

Narcissistic people are extremely sensitive to criticism and will explode in anger, threats, intimidation, violent manifestations, even towards their child. Narcissistic mothers are even in competition with their children to gain the attention of their husbands or other family members, according to some psychologists.

Most definitions of narcissism refer to an excessive fascination with oneself that can even lead to obsession, vanity, exaggerated self-love to the detriment of love for others, the constant need to receive praise and confirmation of one's own merits.

Narcissistic people rarely seek the specialized help of specialists: they are not aware of their behavior, nor do they realize its long-term repercussions on others. With a child, the mother is born, says an old saying. Is that so?

Will I ever be good enough for my mother?

As children, we accept our parents as they are, without trying to judge the way they have fulfilled their role as parents. With the maturation process, we become able to appreciate how they fulfilled their parental duties.

Because narcissists can only be satisfied temporarily, the child of a narcissistic person (and his partner and friends) is in a continuous race in which he will try to please, to amuse, to satisfy his pride and vanity, to please the narcissistic parent.

Selfish and self-centered, the narcissistic parent is not able to give emotionally, even partially, to others or his child. Therefore, the child will always seek his approval, attention, and especially, love and affection.

A message has infiltrated his psychic background that he will hardly be able to escape: "you are appreciated for what you do, not for what you are". As such, he will not care what he is, but what he will do to please his mother's pride.

Narcissists sometimes adopt immature, childish behavior, avoiding the "adult" status and avoiding the real duties of an adult. Often the roles are reversed: the child behaves like an adult and the parent like a child. When they are depressed, narcissists blame those around them, not themselves, for the disappointments they are subjected to.

As the years go by, when the parents or other authority figures who have exercised some control over the narcissistic bad behavior disappear, it gets worse. The narcissist will become more "narcissistic" as he gets older…

Being the child of an emotional vampire

The narcissist will never really understand the concept of "others", much less love. The narcissistic mother never has time to listen. When the child tries to discuss his or her problems and concerns, the narcissist will direct the discussions to himself or herself, showing that they are not as important as his or her own.

A child will believe that if he follows his mother's instructions exactly if he agrees with her opinions if he gives her constant attention and approval, if he strives harder, he will have affection and appreciation. The relationship between the narcissistic parent and the child is a control-obedience relationship, a symbiotic, emotionally vicious relationship.

But the narcissistic mother will not accept to be contradicted. No matter how hard the child works and no matter what his or her accomplishments, he or she is accustomed to criticizing. Praise and rewards, on the other hand, will come less often, too seldom.

What will become of the children of narcissists? Having a mother who suffers from extreme narcissism can be a traumatic experience for the child who will become an adult because he may develop complexes (lack of self-confidence, depreciation, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, shyness, etc.) or personality disorders.

Just as well, the children of narcissistic mothers can turn into rebellious children who sabotage themselves, contenting themselves with results that are far below their means. On the other hand, there is also the probability of becoming narcissistic people, adopting the same paternal or maternal model with their children. But no rules say that these children will become their mothers.

Children of narcissistic parents form a misperception about love. Learn that love is a kind of barter, coming down to what I can do for you and what you can do for me. It is very possible to become dependent on your life partner or to choose as partners people who will become dependent on them.

Their sentimental evolution is subject to internal changes, it will be directly proportional to the way they interact with others and their capacity for empathetic affection. The narcissistic mother can negatively influence a child's personality, and the child's anger and future resentment towards the parent can affect the smooth running of relationships with others.

Regardless of the beautiful relationships that the child-adult will establish in his mature life, the role of "mother" that a parent should play in the life of a child cannot be replaced by anyone.

The behavior of narcissistic mothers towards their children will have a long-term emotional effect on them (especially girls). They, even when they reach adulthood, will try to integrate into the pattern of expectations created by their mother.