The Perils of a Passion for People

For reasons I can never seem to quite explain, my passion has always been people.

From a very young age I was always interested in the problems of others, and what I could do to help them and make them better.

Both business and psychological experts go back and forth as to the reasons behind people developers, leaders, coaches, and team builders.

Some say it is a natural skill, others say it's a predisposition. Some even hint that it is a projection of ones inability to deal with their own lives. This can, in some cases, cause the motivation one who develops others to come into question.

But, whatever the reason is that I have a passion for people, it is more important to dissect the application of the ability itself than it is to understand where it comes from.

Many would say that the ability to engage, train, coach, lead, mentor, and develop people is a wonderful skill. While this certainly can be the case under the right circumstances, it can also quickly become a curse.

As we examine The Perils of a Passion for People we will cover many different topics. Included in each, will be real life examples of my own personal triumphs, failures. You will see how my passion has both defined, and utterly destroyed my life, and the lives of others who share my ability/affliction.

I hope in sharing these stories I can both teach and learn. My passion for people at this very moment has been crushed almost to extinction, and I have seen it completely beaten out of others in my life.

Every time the world loses a leader. Every time we crush someone who legitimately cares. Every time we take a "hero" and turn them into a "villain". The world loses another of the people we so desperately need.

The NUMBER ONE biggest peril of a passion for people lies in knowing WHAT to do, WHY you're doing it, HOW to do it, and (most importantly), WHEN TO DRAW THE LINE.

Failure to take these things into account is, more often than not, going to either destroy you, or the person you're trying to help.

Whether in your business or personal life, you have to pick your battles, you have to pick your people. You must accept first and foremost that YOU CAN NOT HELP EVERY ONE.

I realize that up to this point this has come off like a corporate training manual on people and team development, but I assure you they will not be passing this one around the boardroom.

Let's start with your personal life, cause this is where one's "Passion for People" goes from being a marketable skill, to a dangerous liability. Where "always willing to help", becomes "being a doormat".

Those "skills" that make a leader willing to slog through the mud to create a high performing team, easily translate to the "weaknesses" that allow people to be used, abused, and taken advantage of.

My passion for people has taken me from a 18 year old kid working at Subway, to the manager of 4 Subways. From a 21 year old bartender to the Head Bartender of a large hotel and casino. From a 27 year old coming into the automotive industry with no automotive knowledge whatsoever, to the creator of the highest performing teams in the company, and a creator of mechanical programs throughout the industry.

That same passion also allowed me to pump time into hundreds of people who have used me, stabbed me in the back, vilified me, and turned their back on me when it suited them to do so.

For 16 years I gave everything I had to everyone in my life. My wife, my daughter, my family, my friends, my employers, my teams, my mentees, and my customers. Everyone used to say "Oh he's such a great guy, he'll do anything for anyone", etc.

and it was true!

But I very quickly found that my skills quickly became a source of jealousy amongst my managers/supervisors. When people realize that you actually care, that you actually want to see them succeed, that you actually have a vested interest in their well beings, they latch on to that. This can be a very positive thing.

Until you encounter something that you either disagree with, or think should change, that your people want, but the bosses disagree.

Suddenly that TEAM DYNAMIC that they were so happy you had built, becomes suspicious to them. Almost mutinous.

I watched one of my bosses, whom I made the MAJOR mistake of considering a friend, let his mind be twisted into some of the most amazing make believe vilifications I have ever faced.

I watched 3 of my best friends, whom I handed a 3 bay automotive shop, not only run it into the ground, but then stab me in the back, and open their own shop in a building I was in the process of acquiring, WHILE I was away burying my Father.

I have watched people in my life take advantage of my financially, emotionally, logistically, and then toss me aside once there was nothing left. I have gone from the top to the bottom, many times.

The lessons I have learned throughout all of these successes and disasters has taught me many important lessons.

Lesson 1 ) YOU FIRST!!!

If you are not in the right place mentally, physically, or logistically, you cannot jump in and start trying to help others.

YOU FIRST!!! Also applies to any leadership role in business. The biggest mistakes I have made in my career were going into a new circumstance where I was a leader, but not jumping into the trenches with my team first to show them that I knew what I was doing.

Lesson 2) YOU CAN'T HELP EVERYONE!!!

Far to often I would sacrifice time and energy that could have been spent on the ones that wanted and needed my help, on those that didn't. That is where this "PASSION" can become an "OBSESSION".

Too often I have "seen something" in someone, and become determined to help them whether they wanted it or not. This often came to the detriment of myself, my family, and those in my life that loved and cared for me. It has cost me more than I care to admit

Lesson 3) PRIORITIZE!!!!!!

This one is simple. Decide what is most important to you. Focus on that first. Then choose what's next, and so on. This will ensure that the appropriate amounts of your energy and commitment are going to the places that best reflect your goals and values. 1000

Lesson 4) KNOW YOUR LIMITS!!!!

Another simple lesson that I have failed many times to adhere to. At one point I was running 3 business and trying to create a massive community initiative, all to the detriment of the two people in the world I love the most.

All the time and money I spent trying to become this big success so I could make their lives better, cost me the admiration and adoration, if not the love, of my wife and daughter.

Lesson 5) NOT EVERY ONE WANTS YOUR HELP!!!!

Forgetting this lesson can be very costly. At one point in my life, every time anyone said anything to me about anything, I would instantly start to suggest/brainstorm/recommend, what i thought were possible solutions to their problems.

That quite quickly translates to telling people how to live their lives, always thinking you're smarter/better/right etc. It gets annoying quick. So before you "try to help". Make sure it's your help they want.

In my professional life I couldn't understand why i never lasted more than 5-6 years at my jobs. I used to say it was because, once I fixed all the big problems, they loved me. While I fixed the medium problems, they liked me. But, when I got down to the "smaller" problems (which are often the root causes of the medium and large problems), I became a nuisance.

Not wasting your time fixing problems that no one cares about, also allows you to focus your help on where it will be most effective.

and the final, most important, and hardest lesson to learn.......

Lesson 6) KNOW WHEN TO DRAW THE LINE!!!!

Whether in your professional life, or your personal life. You have to know when to draw the line. This has been another devastating lesson I have had to learn.

Sometimes, just because someone asks for your help unloading some wood, doesn't mean they want your input on how to build their deck. SO know when to draw the line. If they require your assistance further, believe me, they will tell you.

Sometimes, once you've done what you can do you either need to pass that person on to someone who can help them, or simply tell them you have done what you can. In the long run you will come out on top.

If you do not adhere to this lesson the predatory people of the world will eat you alive, and bleed you dry.

WOW!!!!!

I wrote this for a chance to win $25,000. But I think what I have learned it writing it is far more valuable. Mainly, because I did not follow these lessons.

In the last 2 years I have lost pretty much everything I ever had or cared about, including myself.

I have gone from the most social person you'd ever meet to what I am now. A shell. Stripped of all its insides. An empty container, tossed aside by whatever softness once inhabited it's insides.

I sit day after day in my basement, a psychological prisoner of fear, self doubt, resignation, and complete and utter nothingness.

The simplest tasks that I would have whipped off in a couple hours, now take me weeks to accomplish.

Writing this has helped me to realize all the mistakes I made. It has filled me with a renewed vigor that I haven't felt in years. Hell I have 2 businesses that i am simply doing nothing with.

My Automotive Maintenance Service business was at the precipice of a massive expansion, with the backing of millionaire scale up investors, right before everything went to crap.

My Hospitality Training Academy was right behind it.

Both businesses had direct membership programs already built into them. Then all of a sudden today this pops up......

SO now what?