The Noise

Taking some time to hit pause.

I’m currently in a season of evolving and along the way, I’m realizing how little I show on any platform the fullness of who I truly am – even the things I create. All at the same time, my social media platform intake influences me every day, every awkward silence, bored or even envious moments.

I’m seeing this as a snapshot of my internal space, and I’ve left just enough room for the surface while mostly noise fills the rest. In all my vulnerability, this has been the most painful year yet but also the most refining. My heart broken by so many events this past year by hate, pain, and frustration – I need to try and channel a fraction of what’s happening in my mind and life to create something tangible for myself. The completely raw, unedited, struggling to feel, to understand, to come up with the words is surfacing and I want you to know that I see you too, I’m with you, and I see us growing.

This past year has been mentally challenging as it was physically in some aspect. Putting myself in a state of mind where all the pain I’ve endured was being kept within an arm’s length. That it meant that it was a never-ending battle between me and myself and deciding if I was allowing the pain to define who I am or allowing the pain to refine who I was.

Lately, I have been on a heavy search on what represents my thumbprint on life and trying to experiment with ways to freestyle a concept where I develop my movements from just lines and breaths. I have been wanting to mentally allow my instincts to take me to what felt right rather than what felt easy.

It’s been a journey to find a high capacity of empathy for others and even though it hasn’t been a perfect ride, I’ve always found myself loving people so much that it’s never difficult to get there. I have come to realization that even though it’s so easy for me to that with others, I rarely ever extend myself that same grace. I’ve always held myself to higher standards and it’s because I never wanted to disappoint the people that matter to me the most. To the point that I crippled myself from doing anything that I truly wanted to do and become the very person that I wanted to be. Some deeply rooted fear of failing and always pleasing others have always kept me from sharing in the ways that I truly want to. And for a long while now, I have been feeling quiet empty as a result.

So, my vulnerability is a start of a new journey for me. One where I get out of my own head, do more things that I love, and free myself from the monster that keeps telling me that I am not good enough.