The Love of His Life

Joseph plucked the small black book from the nightstand but was afraid to open it. Two years passed since he lost his beloved Paulette. Two years of staring at happy couples on TV, looking out windows at happy couples taking walks, and watching happy couples in grocery stores. Two years of living alone in Eventide, a so-called assisted care facility. Same bingo, same rubber chicken, same card games, day after day. Eventide became Joseph’s home when his wife, Paulette, fell ill and he needed help looking after her. It was all they could afford given her declining health. He wanted to move after she died, but had no place to go. His two sons each paid Eventide a hundred dollars a month to help out. They never failed to remind dear old Dad of their generosity, but they weren’t kidding anybody. That generosity was a preventive measure to keep Joseph from moving in with either of them, and he knew it.

Joseph eyeballed the $20,000 check sticking out from the pages of the book, Paulette’s final gift. For years, a secret stash incubated beneath a false bottom in her sock drawer. When the stash grew to $5000, she acted on a tip from a friend and opened a brokerage account. She bought shares in the cancer treatment company Noncology and forgot about it. Noncology stock’s value slowly increased for years, but caught fire just before her death. She put in a standing order to sell if it was ever worth $20,000, and twenty months after she died, it was. Her loyal broker contacted Joseph and sent him a check along with a note sealed in a wrinkled envelope titled, “Please give this to Joseph if Noncology ever reaches our price.”

Joseph dropped the black book on the bed and read her note for the thousandth time. “Joseph, use this money to make your life what you always wished it could be.” Why would she write that? He chased money his whole life but never quite caught it. Did she think his life with her was unfulfilling to him? Whatever the reason, Joseph’s heart ached when he thought about all the things she missed out on to give him this gift. They never took that trip to the Grand Canyon. They never saw a Broadway play. With her $5,000 investment, she could have made all those dreams reality. Instead, she gave the money to Joseph. Why?

Joseph pulled the check from the pages of the notebook and immediately returned it, instead focusing on a small piece of paper clutched between his thumb and index finger. On it was a phone number that was sequestered in his wallet while Paulette was alive. The mere existence of the number did not make Joseph a cheater. He looked at it as his innocent, forbidden fairy tale. Paulette was long gone now. Perhaps it was time to try to make this fairy tale come true. Couldn’t hurt. It was likely a pipe dream anyway. The phone number belonged to his high school crush, Suzanne. The truth was, if he had collared Suzanne when he was young, there never would have been Paulette. Life got in the way, and he never got a chance with Suzanne. She would always be the one who got away. He thought about calling her for ages. There were various levels of anxiety that prevented him from taking the leap before. She was probably married. Guilt over Paulette. Cowardice. He had no trouble coming up with a different excuse every day. Of course making the call was out of the question when Paulette was alive. But two years should be long enough. He deserved a shot at happiness. Even a long shot.

For years, Joseph covertly kept track of Suzanne. He knew little about her life except she lived outside of Denver. Not very close to Sun City. With $20,000, Joseph could afford to drive to Denver and put himself up for weeks if..., if things went well with Suzanne. There was a problem. Would using Paulette’s money to find Suzanne be the ultimate betrayal?

Joseph stared at the phone. The pull of Suzanne shredded his resistance. Over the years, there were many fantasy calls with Suzanne, the delusions of a lonely man. Dial and hang up. Dial and hang up. That was the closest he actually got to hearing Suzanne’s voice. This time it would be different. No more chickening out because it was too early in the day. No more waiting till after lunch. No more this and no more that. He was going to call her and bravely wait until someone answered. The phone rang. Someone did.

“Hello.” It was Suzanne all right, but she sounded different. The world’s most beautiful girl now had a mature and raspy resonance to her tone. “Hello. Is anyone there?”

“Suzanne?”

“Yes.”

“I guess this... well...I guess this is a blast from the past.”

“It is?”

“Yes. Long past, I’m afraid. This is Joseph Bellows. You know, from Oak Park High.”

“Joseph. Oh my goodness. How are you? How did you find me?”

“I’m doing good. I was thinking about you lately and, well, what the heck. I Googled you and picked up the phone.”

“Oh, I’m so glad you did. You know, out of all the people I’ve met in my life, the ones I miss the most are from Oak Park.”

“Me too. So, how is life treating you?”

“Oh, I have the typical, boring life. Two grown kids, an ex-husband, and a dog named Recess.”

“Doesn’t sound so boring.” Joseph smiled at the term, EX-husband. “Are you working?”

“No. I retired as a teacher some years back. How about you?”

“Pretty much the same. My wife died two years ago, a few years after I retired as a business consultant.”

“So sorry to hear about your wife. Where do you live now?”

“I live in Sun City, Arizona,” Joseph said cheerfully. He omitted the part about Eventide. Knights in shining armor rarely live in assisted care facilities.

“I hear Sun City is great. A lot warmer than Englewood.”

“Too warm sometimes.”

“I suppose there’s good and bad in everything. That’s life. So how about you? Did your life turn out the way you planned?”

“Not totally. I mean in some ways, yes. In other ways, no. And you?”

“I don't think so. You know, as I get older, I remember the kids we grew up with. Our whole lives were ahead of us. We had infinite possibilities. And now, so many are already gone and I think, what happened? Were they happy? Did they get what they wanted? Or maybe they were just swept up by life’s winds and scattered in directions they never intended. It went by so fast.”

The subtle bitterness in Suzanne’s words caught Joseph by surprise. Could it be she was as unhappy as he? It was time to change the subject. “I try to focus on the future. Did you say you lived in Englewood?”

“Yes.”

“That’s around Denver, isn’t it?”

“It’s like a suburb.”

“You know, that’s funny I’m going to visit an old client in Cheyenne in a couple of weeks. Maybe I could stop by and say hello.”

“Heck yes.”

Joseph was so thrilled by Suzanne’s positive response that he zoned out the rest of the conversation, only remembering her address and the fabricated date he had to be in Cheyenne. Two weeks flashed by and Joseph found himself outside Suzanne’s modest house. He did everything he could to make himself look youthful and vigorous. It was not easy. There was no hiding his wrinkles, and hair color on old men just looks stupid. He rang the doorbell.

“Well as I live and breathe.” Suzanne hugged Joseph and ushered him into her house. The neatness of Suzanne’s house was disguised by a heavy odor of cigarettes. Although there was something familiar about the old woman in front of him, Joseph barely recognized Suzanne. They sat and reminisced about the good old days and their childhood friends. Whatever happened to Matthew? Did you hear about Veronica? My kids are this and that. How about yours?

The day swiftly passed and Suzanne invited Joseph to stay for dinner. He did. Dinner was hard for Joseph. He struggled to find the Suzanne of his dreams in the face across the table. The youthful and beautiful Suzanne was camouflaged by years of combat with life and unmet expectations. Soon it was time to go and Joseph hugged Suzanne as they stood on her porch. There were the usual “so wonderful to see you” platitudes. Missing were the fireworks and shooting stars Joseph hoped for.

The drive home felt like an eternity. Joseph’s hope for the ultimate victory of love over life was nothing more than the yearnings of an overactive imagination. Home again, he sat on the edge of his bed. He picked up the little black book and held it against his heart. He could never bring himself to read it before. In it were Paulette’s private thoughts and Joseph was not sure he wanted to know them.

He held his breath, and opened the notebook. The check fell out and landed on the floor. He timidly thumbed through the worn pages. Most of it was run of the mill stuff like birthdays. Toward the end, there were several blank pages followed by an entry dated one week before Paulette died. “March 30. Time is short. I leave my husband nothing except love and the hope that one day Noncology pays off and Joseph can find freedom to discover what is missing in his life. A few lines down she said, Joseph, if you should ever happen to read this, you are the love of my life. I hope you know that. I shouldn’t say this, but I sometimes wonder if I was yours. Even though you have taken good care of me, I always felt something stood between us. Perhaps a ghost from the past. I never asked you because some things are better not to know. Still, in the end, it was I who loved you and gave you children. As I go to my rest, I try to be content that my loyalty made me first in your life. I may have a gift for you in the future. I hope it guides your heart to what is most important.”

“Nooo,” Tears dripped on the notebook as Joseph sobbed uncontrollably. It never occurred to him that his obsession with Suzanne was sacrificing the true love of his life for a love that never could be. He curled up on the bed, the notebook clutched tightly in his trembling hands. Did Paulette believe she was a consolation prize all these years? Was her life the one that was unfulfilled? If so, why did she think he deserved a $20,000 second chance?

Joseph was burdened by questions with no answers. All he could think of was how to let Paulette know she truly was the love of his life. But there was no way. All the money in the world could neither bring her back nor heal her pain. Joseph rolled to his side and glanced at the check on the floor. He leaned back, covered his face with a pillow and went to sleep, daring to dream no more.

The End