The Importance of Validation in a World of Criticism

I crave to be heard.

The desire for an understanding of the mind is universal. To know deep down we matter. Our feelings are important to someone - anyone - and that they are valid.

I long for reassurance and permission to feel and express my true raw, vulnerable self.

As children, adults dismissed, invalidated and shamed us as irrational and dramatic. Deemed unworthy of any uninhibited emotional outburst.

If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about. You don't have it bad. I had to pee in an outhouse, milk the cows before school, and my father was an alcoholic. At least, I don't drink like that.

Trauma is unique to each survivor. We all have a sob story. It's okay to wail and thrash about the unfairness of your shitty origin story.

As long as you don't unpack, buy furniture, and settle into domestic despair reliving the past.

If you succumb to victimhood, you wallow in your sorrow until it becomes depression. You walk around with a dark cloud over your head waiting for a bolt of lightning to knock you down.

What we really want is the glow of validation.

To fix the trauma of our parents not giving a shit about us. Either they told us to shut up and stop whining or they didn't even notice we were whining because they were too busy. Or self centered.

Whatever happened, they didn't give us the attention a growing child needs. And now we end up impoverished for empathy. Begging our bosses, friends, partners, strangers on the internet for confirmation of our psychological needs.

So if you can GIVE that validation, you might become the most powerful person on earth.

Validation is about feelings

People loathe the unstable sensation of emotions.

Feelings are wildly uncomfortable. They hurt, itch, and always threaten to take over your body. I hate crying! I hate yelling and throwing an adult tantrum when I get cut off in traffic. Fuck you Karen, how dare you cut me off!

Most people are hiding their emotions inside like a stolen crown jewel or an embarrassing teenager photo.

So if we tell them that their feelings are understandable, wow, we just changed their entire life. They adore us like we are their older understanding sibling. They trust us like we are an older understanding guide.

When we offer validation, the genuine offer is comfort, a soft refuge from the harsh, cruel world.

Validation Isn't Agreement

Many people think that showing understanding equals full-scale agreement.

Agreeing is not validation.

We are all mech pilots navigating reality through our little meat suit animated by a spark of electricity lighting up the brain and another flicker that creates the pulsing of our hearts.

Validation is a transfer of energy from their suit to yours, crawling, metaphorically, into the driver's seat of another to experience their perspective. If you were raised in their environment, experienced the same difficulties, how would your worldview transform or open?

Empathy can even alter how you view those you disagree, despise, or resent. It goes from a petty grievance to a deep insight into their often anguished reasoning for their beliefs. You may come to not only pity them, but soften your heart and reach out to them in understanding and desire to connect from a place of compassion, rather than the previous grudge.

My opinion hasn't |shifted to agreement with their shitty position on the subject. I just understand them now, to see their reasoning, their challenges, and their humanity and I can see our similarities.

They just complain to me now

Though we rarely see them, no super power is without a disadvantage - - Rogue accidentally harming the first boy she kissed, or Cyclops who must always wear sunglasses lest he laser whatever his gaze falls upon.

Validation has a potential penalty because most people want to gripe to any empathetic listener while remaining unchanged. They offload discomfort of the feeling to another while the talker doesn't take responsibility for their part. So next time, we come along with our validation the complaint is a repetitive tale of woe. And, you dear listener, will become exhausted by the person never taking ownership over their shitty piece of life. In fact, the comfort they find in continual moaning might frustrate you about the same fucking problem.

First, let's understand why they might remain static even though they live in misery.

The Brain Doesn't Know What Relief Is

You have probably labeled this person in the past as lazy - refusing to do any work - or incompetent - missed the bus on the day they were teaching the rest of us how to solve our personal problems. All of that is wrong, wrong, wrong. It's really that your brain lacks an important facet of change - what does it look like?

I didn't know what lunch was until second grade, because in my house it had always been called dinner. Supper was the evening meal, and we ate dinner noon. I got to school and people called this noon meal, lunch and until second grade I did not know what the fuck lunch even was. Lunch time? Oh, dinner. I was super embarrassed by this.

Our childhoods are full of little idiosyncrasies of our family of origin. Or just a different culture if you moved countries Or a different era. Like my parents growing up without seatbelts and using the imperial system for measurement. Canada adopted the metric system after my parents were in school, so they still use feet and inches and thus we colloquially still use feet and inches.

Like my childhood lacked "lunch", our brain has no reference point of relief from the shit sandwich life made us. So your mind looks at the options and like a greedy wall street trader, calculates the best mutual fund to invest in - the one with the least chance of negative returns - discomfort. The brain hoards energy like Karen with toilet paper during a pandemic, because it needs the maximum quantity of energy to outwit and outplay death so you can outlast the rest of your tribe. Historically, survival was more difficult than finding an immunity idol, so your brain is full of shortcuts to maximize your chances of survival as long as possible.

Your brain also doesn't trust your efforts will lead anywhere but inevitable failure. Remember all the times you've dedicated your life to a new endeavour only for it to fall apart as you reached the finish line? Why try again this time? Think of wanting a sexy body. You must work out daily for a year, avoid any food that tastes good, and count every calorie that passes your lips to lose five pounds. Fuck it's hard to get beach body ready. I'd rather eat Doritos and play a video game, then go to the gym once a year, never mind three times a week. I can have chocolate and games now, a flat stomach is something far, far away.

Change isn't tough. To your survival focused brain, it's fucking pointless.

So yeah, once you become a validation super ninja, you will find some people don't want to change, they just want to offload their aggravations onto someone with a kind ear. They don't want your help; save it for your advice column or people asking for advice on how to live a better life.

For those people who don't ask for help, well your job is to just validate them.

And do a fuck ton of self care because they will drain you faster than a leaky faucet in a desert. The validation gig is tough, but those you offer your gift to will heap accolades upon you. Or at least more of their closest secrets.

Self Validate

If you are running around validating everyone, who is returning to offer this gift to you?

Probably no one one, because the rest of the world fails to understand the value of listening.

Self validation was forced on me when I realized no soul would offer me the investment. And I learned no one could be bothered to care, not out of malice, really, but a lack of understanding of the benefit. I asked. I begged and pleaded. I cried and screamed, "Why can't you just like me and see my point of view?"

He still couldn't. I still love him, but he's not ready for the transaction, so I made my peace with the reality. I love him, so there's no point in being upset. Carry on.

So I justify my own feelings, because I need to hear I'm okay even from my Self. My thoughts inevitably fit the situation, my past, my present, and beliefs.

My favorite resource on validation is Michael S Sorsenson. He has written amazing blog posts and a brilliant book about validation, that I've found valuable to learn how to and why of understanding those around us.