Taming the Bully Within

From birth to the end of our life journey we are bombarded with limitations. We are told how to behave, what to believe, how to live, who to live with and how to treat them. Conditions, conditions, conditions.

Children are conditioned to behave according to the rules set by the society. They are expected to blend in and conform, to speak only when spoken to, to be seen and not heard. Children are constantly reminded by well-meaning adults that life wasn't meant to be easy. They learn from an early age that it’s safer to please adults than to oppose them. They learn not to rock the boat and create waves that would compromise their safety.

The programming we endured during childhood conditioned us to believe that we are powerless. That we are not capable of creating happiness alone and that we need another person or things to make us feel whole and complete. We were conditioned to give our power over to others so they love us. And we are supposed to be happy when another person loves us. But when they leave us all hell breaks loose.

This programming created separation and disassociation from the true self clouding our sense of identity. We created so many illusions during our childhood that it can take most of our adult life to undo.

As children, we didn't know any better. We trusted the adults around us. We were taught that life is a struggle. We were taught to play it safe. To study hard, get a degree and a well-paid job. We weren’t instructed to follow our dreams and passion. We were instructed to chase money and material things. These beliefs and teachings created a lifestyle of competition and separations.

In the desperate bid to feel whole and complete we try to manipulate others to live up to our expectations. We force our opinions onto others and blame them when things don’t work out. We push and shove and force and bully to get our way. We manipulate the external to be heard. To feel valued. To feel worthy. To gain a sense of identity.

We bully others and then blame them of bullying us.

Our childhood programming has removed us so far from the true self that we don’t even recognise who we are. The true self is loving and understanding. It allows the flow of life. It feels complete. It feels whole because nothing is missing. The childhood programming created illusions of loss and separation.

So, to stop experiencing bullying we have to tame the bully within. We can’t change our external world without making a change within. We can’t change another person. We can only change what we believe, what we think and how we act. We can only change ourselves by peeling off the layers of childhood programming.

So, running away from bullies or confronting them in anger is not the answer. Running away from an unpleasant situation is actually an attempt to run away from oneself. And attacking another person in anger is attacking an aspect of the self. Others mirror what is within us.

The best way to deal with bullying is by taming the bully within. Before flying off the deep end, getting angry, becoming a victim of your circumstance or becoming depressed and obsessed with thoughts of ending your life please stop because there is a better way.

To tame the bully within try the following.

1. Stop – take a deep breath or take a few to relax, don’t react defensively in anger or feel sorry for yourself .
2. Explore – ask yourself what triggered your emotions, what was said that upset you, what false belief about yourself was exposed, where it came from, where you first heard it .
3. Accept- take ownership of your beliefs, say how you feel, let it flow through you .
4. Release – let go of what no longer serves you, let go of the childhood programming and say how you feel now without that programmed belief about yourself .

When bullied we may feel angry, anxious, scared or embarrassed. We either run to get out of the situation or fight with the person to prove our point. This is our built in fight or flight response.

So, what would you do if you were bullied either in person or on social media?

Think about your reaction.

Would you lash out at them in anger trying to justify yourself? Would you resort to name calling? Would you get others involved? Would you gather your friends to help you fight the bully?

Or, would you run away and hide?

Off course not.

Fighting back doesn’t resolve anything. It only fuels anger stripping your power away then the bully has got you exactly where they want you. Angry, powerless and reduced to the level of being manipulated easily.

Running away is not the answer either.

Who are you running away from anyway? Not the other person. They have their own agenda. You are running away from an aspect of yourself that you feel is unworthy or not good enough. You are trying to hide from yourself. But all aspects of yourself follow you wherever you go.

You don’t need to fight or run away but follow the four steps above. Stop, explore, accept and release. Keep peeling the layers of false beliefs until you feel free to be yourself, without fear.

We all have some beliefs that limit us from being true to self. We all have work to do daily but knowing how it works makes life fun and magical.