Sun Kissed

The air smelled cleaner that day. The weather, perfect. There were few clouds in the sky and

the hot sun sent sweat dripping down my shoulders. We - my girlfriend and our closest friend -

were at Boulder where the water was cool, crisp and welcoming.

I had my swim trunks, a wife beater and bare feet and we were making our way down to the

water.

“People are watching you,” she was in my head again. Butterflies. Paranoia. Fear. I was

becoming overwhelmed by every emotion my body and mind offered me. “I don't think I can do

this,” I told my girlfriend. I was shutting down. I wasn't brave enough. What if people saw me?

What's more, what if they hurt me, or came and told me what a freak and disgusting human I

was for “showing off” this body that wasn't made to be shown. But I wanted it. I needed to know

what it felt like. He and I CRAVED it.

The water was sparkling and calling to me. My girlfriend made her way out slowly into the river.

The water rose beautifully up her body until she stood waist up in it. Looking over at me, she

tried signaling and coaxing me in.

We were in the quietest part of the beach area where we could see maybe one or two other

people around the bank. I wanted to be sure I'd cause as little disruption to the humans around

me while also trying to bury this fear that held me captive to the shore. I hadn't been endowed

with a large chest to begin with, which was nice in its own right, but fear is powerful and

everything I had learned growing up told me that this act of pleasure, no, rebellion would

ultimately add to my list of mortal sins. The ones that would carry me to hell, to my eternal

torture.

And for what felt like hours, he begged me. “Nobody is watching you. Nobody cares about what

you are doing. They are doing their own things. Being happy. Go. Be happy Joey.” But I

couldn't, I was paralyzed.

Then she looked at me again, my girlfriend, she smiled and the sun's reflection lit up brighter

than I'd ever seen. I stood to my feet and slowly made my way down the bank and into the

water. It was cold. And goosebumps shot up my whole body. It wasn't just the cold. It was

anxiety. Panic. I hadn't had top surgery yet, everyone will know. The words began to race in my

mind. I was fighting them both and I wasn't winning. But then again I hadn't really wanted to.

She took my hands gently and placed them on her shoulders. I could feel her hands move with

the wind as she grabbed the bottom of my shirt and began to lift it over my head. I didn't want

her to stop. I was hesitant but I wouldn't stop it either. I looked around to make sure no one had

been paying attention. Finally, my shirt had come off. I had closed my eyes after checking my

surroundings and instinctively crossed both of my arms in front of my chest.

I still couldn't let go of the paranoia. I felt eyes burning my skin. And then she kissed me. She

put her arms around me and led me further into the water. And then it happened.

When I opened my eyes the water gleamed and the sun's rays rippled thru the water and my

skin. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. My whole body lit up like a kid on

Christmas. It was more than I dreamed. More than I ever knew I wanted. And I never wanted to

leave. I wanted to remain like this. As peaceful as the waves and free as the wind. I wanted to

bend with the trees and feel the sand turn from coarse and wet to dry and silky.

It was serene. I stretched out my arms and faced the sun; my fingertips barely skimming the

surface of the water. And I closed my eyes again. I, we, took a deep breath together, in sync. It was the first time. The first time the three of us were at peace in my mind, my body and in my

core. It wouldn't last long before I'd be gripped with panic and fear again, but in this moment,

nothing else mattered except we were free.

As the sunset took over the sky, the girl[friend] - who'd changed my life in that one moment (and

many others) - and I sat looking over the water. The only other thing louder than the beating of

my own heart were the words I could hear in her eyes.

I did it. I'd stepped out of my comfort zone and followed into the girl's. It wouldn't be the first time

she'd save me from myself. But that day would be a first. It was the first time I'd felt the sun kiss

my body and the water caress my skin. And I knew, I knew for the first time, that I loved her.