Stop Hurting ME

truth...We had our first real disagreement. It was over a misunderstanding and now, we have a somewhat understanding that will only solidify with time. but wait ...The hurt felt was so different that I know if it were not for my past...my triggers...I was never angry...just hurt. I could not imagine living in a home with him and not breathe...we did and it seemed like a month of pause my entire world shattered, I was brought back from my fairy tale...this is real-Lajuan-this one will beat you with words-he does not care for anything that interest you makes it know and does not participate with anything without complaints...lots of complaints-HE is going to constantly beat you with his words. He does his best work with his WORDS. Just fuck me. Sadly-I have attached myself with someone that is controlling-yet thoughtful. HE is anger -travelings-yet only when he is alone does he have pleasurable experiences. It's his competitiveness-he is extremely critical of himself and others. But, he intrigues me and most of times my days filled with us always doing something together-him sulking over I don't know what, but then he chills or was that an act. Lately, I am on high alert. It will be with words...be careful. I am thinking of everything-he is tense and only relaxed when he is listening to music or is he? Then there are the times he is with others-he seems to worry that the other person is going to complain; so, he does and me-I have lived with the DEVIL....lately-I've been in my head and warning my heart. you have another one and this one will use words.

But, he is so amazing-it was just one disagreement, he's-Jeff. STOP over exaggerating. He was just as hurt, maybe if there is a next time. you talk to him and take the words, because he uses them and work through the issue with focusing on his words..it's his mind that I enjoy even when he plays devil's advocate which is his truth- but this first real disagreement-he was rough with his words and brother, only cursed maybe twice. But his words, cut like a knife. bleeding why didn't you say something earlier.we could have fixed this months ago.love what are you doing? I lived through it, he is still my favorite person but...lately-I've repeated my mantre- fuck you if that words isn't right-inside humor-I've lived with the DEVIL---he's-mad every other day and does not say anything, but he will text. Oh he will be WORDS. so, from now texting is out during troubled waters. I love him enough to work with him, I want the truth.

I just got to get this out-it maybe rambles of a foolish heart that loves conditionally in a world of peope that loves titles money fame...I don't belong...lately-I worry that HIS need to find a flaw will push us apart. I have lived with the DEVIL..does he get me I don't want to argue just talk with you want we will work through it to get it resolved. I am not fighting over money- if we short tell me what is needed and I can help I will. no questions..

Then I think back to this disagreement the silence lasted for a few days-we only discussed the events leading up to him exploding via text-I never felt civil pain. WTH? Why aren't we in sync with this? You won't use words to proactively organize your home? You just won't two complete strangers to your house rules to just fall in line. Then, you misunderstand "LOL" via text and I don't understand your responding text...I am thinking as we finally do talk, why are we here. The reale issue is my son. I welcome your assistance with him...he is a LOT and I have neglected my duties-asking you to deal with his illness and attitude when maniac, I am scared as heck, but I love him and YOU-I am exposed and when we were suppose to be a team, I realized that you EXPECT, but resist to teach. You will use words. All the time, we are dealing with this disagreement, I am trying to assist my son who is spiraling and it was embarassing to watch him melt down in front of you because change triggers his condition- I told you. I am mom not an expert-I have a son with a beautiful mind and he is lost some where inside his own head-you did not care it was all about your beliefs...lately..I worry that I won't be here for Talmadge, because I see now that in the real world my son will be forgotten. lately-I've been praying and studying-I am finally going to the doctor's..he will hurt me with words that is truly always on my mind. This one wasn't over a life altering event it was n't the specifics...it was the principle..his belief above all else even his heart... Respect and truth for him and for me it was miscommunication and discovering that he sweats the small stuff... seeing him go back for months and only in anger did he speak his absolute truth and it was not very nice. He was anger...He will be words...the realization that I've fallen for someone that will like the rest take my words and use his words to berate me or speak his truth...it bothers me. that lately-I've ignore the fact that as good as it is now-in anger-HE too, will strike like a tiger only he won't throw blows- he will use his words. Damn...I hope I am wrong, but if I am right. He will attack my mind. spirit.truth.

Written

12/19/2019...it is documented