Schrödingers Date

"OK. So it’s tighty righty loosey lefty right?" "No Gramps. You’re trying to get a date, not open a pickle jar. This is Tinder. Swipe right. Swipe left. See? Watch my finger." "Pull my finger! Jesus Grandpa, I’m trying to help you!" " OK, OK. I get it sweetie. You used to be more fun when you were little."

And so it goes. Grandpa and Vanessa. Pandemic pals. She’s here, down to the cities, helping out, looking for work, unvaccinated, living in the spare bedroom, tattoos and all. He. All hopped up on vaccine, recovering from the hip replacement, looking out the window, eating lots of toast, trying to get a date.

"Wait. OK. Let’s see your profile. " "Right here."

Dr. S. Older than I look Widower #seeks.hot.young.thing Bad Hip—Long Walks on the Beach a nonstarter

(Exasperated groan) "What? " "Well, for starters why are you using a picture of Brad Pitt? That’s not going to fool anyone. And you’re not a doctor." "So?" "Why would you say you’re a doctor?" "People are impressed." " But you’re not a doctor!" "Long ago I figured out it’s much easier to just call yourself a doctor than to become one. Many people know me as Dr. S. For example, my good friend Dr. B." "Is he a doctor?" "Heavens no." " Good Lord. And OMG! You are not a widower! Grandma ditched your sorry ass and moved to Florida. Are you even actually divorced?" "Not exactly." "Well, this needs work. Only a dyslexic Howler Monkey would swipe right on that. I’ll be back in a while. I’ve got a job interview." " Doing what?" " Barista. " "Do you even know how to barist?" " No, but I’ve got lots of tattoos so I’ll be fine. " "Point taken. Don’t forget your mask." "Do your exercises. We’re taking a walk when I get back!"

While she was gone he sat in his special chair, looked out the window and watched a robin which had just made the long journey north from Guadalajara to his back yard where it would now build a nest. And he thought about an evening a very long time ago. He had just paid the bill at a little restaurant and come out into a lovely spring dusk where his girlfriend was looking into a store window. They were young then. He had gotten a high draft number not long before and would not need to worry about being sent to the disaster in Vietnam. She said a man had stopped and chatted with her while she was waiting. There was a vast gulf between youth and grownups back then. She said he had told her she was very beautiful, and then gone on his way. Clara was her name and she was radiant from that compliment and he saw how right that man had been. Where was that girl now? Half a century had passed. Had she made it this far? These little moments. They stay with you forever.

"Gramps, wake up. Did you do your exercises? No. Did you fix your profile? No. Here. You’ve got some drool on the corner of your mouth. There. Better. Look, I changed the profile while you snored. " "Did you get the job?" " Who knows. They said they’d call. They liked my tattoos, so maybe. Look."

Dr. S. Dapper yet Delightful Led an interesting life so far-Help me keep it going Bad Hip—Long Walks on the Beach a nonstarter #VaxedtotheMax

"You let me be a doctor." " Yeah. I want to hear what kind of lies you spin to Miss Right. We’ll find a good picture. " "And you left in the part about my hip." " I thought it was sorta funny. Besides if she overlooks this she’s probably kind. Or desperate. It’s still mostly lies but my lies are better than yours." "I’m vaxed, but… " "The ladies think that’s a turn on." "But..." " Not kidding! I read that’s like the number one hottest thing you can put on these sites now. OK. Time to swipe right. No Gramps! You just swiped right on You Can Be My Tramp Stamp. And she’s between my age and mom’s! That’s out of bounds. Period. Which means she must over 41, which is not a particularly high bar. Alright, I’m in charge of the swiping now. I’m not even sure you know the difference between left and right. Hot to Trot Left. I’ll Clean Your Clock Left. I’ll Extend Your Metaphor! HARD LEFT! (eye roll) Who are these women? Oh, this one seems possible. Sedate but Pleasing. And she’s 55, which is older than the maximum speed you drive.

While he was getting ready to go on their walk she checked her texts. (groans and mutters) "Oh Jesus Jeremy. I don’t care if the band made a demo of Only God Can Make a Tree but You Done Made a Fool Out of Me." (wild text thumbs) "Leave. Me. ALONE. Not coming home say hi to fargo for me." She looks up just in time to see a bird fly against the window. Peers out at the ground.. A dazed robin gets to its feet.

"Where’s your cane?" " I don’t need it." "Says who?" "I used to change your diapers. " "And all too soon I’ll be changing yours." " Point taken." "Get it out of the closet." "OK. You right swiped on four possibilities. Sedate but Pleasing, Not after your Money but you better be Funny, Let’s See the World-I’ll Drive You Navigate and, and… what was the other one? Watch the puddle, do not even think about slipping!" "I’m fine. I have a low center of gravity. The sky is blue. I saw a robin today. A Gal for All Seasons." "What?" "That was the fourth one. A Gal for All Seasons. She plays golf though, so maybe not."

They walk quietly for a while in the beauty of a fine spring day, lost in their thoughts.

She puts the cane back in the closet, takes off her coat, starts to make scrambled eggs.

"Do you want toast?" " Does the Pope shit in the woods? " "I’ll take that as a yes." " Pretty good eh? Didn’t tip over once." " Not bad. No need for the cane, right?" " I guess so. Yeah, agreed. Are you in pain?" " Not as much as when you told me I was ugly." " Grandpa, you are soooo ugly! I’ll clean up and you check Tinder. We’ll see what’s what. "

"I’m catching on now. This is like fishing. See, I got a nibble. " "So I think that means this one is a match. You can send her a message now." " Like what? " "Oh, well how about something like, 'Will you bear my love child?' No. Look. You’ve got me helping you get a date but you haven’t told me why. Why do you want a date?" " I don’t know. I lived through this god damned pandemic. I got a new hip. If I’m gonna live I may as well LIVE. I think I’ve got plenty of miles left on me." "Good enough. Hmm… This one says she liked to travel, right? Ask what are a couple places she’d like to go, or her favorite place she’s ever been." "Yeah. Good. You’re smarter than you look." " You flirt with the ladies. I’m going to watch TV. " "What show? I’m trying to decide between The Bachelor and a documentary on the plague."

Time passes. Alejandro lounges in the pool and feels up various hotties. Meanwhile, Samuel Pepys works to ward off The Black Death by trying to avoid the melancholy brought on by an excess of black bile. Gramps works on the possibilities. Alejandro must make a decision. Gramps too. Vanessa switches off the TV.

"Any luck?" " Well, yes, actually. What? Tell me?" (Wide eyes) " OK. A golfer. I just couldn’t. You better be funny wasn’t funny. Not even close. No response from the traveler. And Sedate but Pleasing is, well, she comes across as sedate, and pleasing." "Not too old for you? " "Here’s her picture." " Oh. She looks like a real person. Nice. Tell me what you know." " Well, she has a couple cute little grandchildren, so she doesn’t know they’ll just grow up to mooch off of her. On a Night Like This is her favorite Dylan song. That says a lot. She likes to travel and is excited to go somewhere when this ends. She’s vaxed. You were right. Vaxed is hot! Other stuff I won’t mention. But the clincher. She loves toast. " "You make a date? " "Yup. " "Where are you going?" "She invited me to her place for dinner." " Ouh là là. (Mischievous glint.) Gramps, you look a little green around the gills. What’s up?" (Eyes averted. Embarrassed silence.) "Come on. Don’t worry, she won’t make you boff her on the first date. Plus, you must have a stash of little blue pills around here someplace. (Eyes mist up.) Gramps, you’re going on a date! We did it. Come on, let’s celebrate!" " Yeah. Wine rack in that closet." " Gramps! Holy Crap! This is a LOT of wine. The next pandemic will not catch me off guard. Look on the top left. There’s a nice Merlot there.

Glasses, cork pops, satisfying clink.

"So, when is this date?" "Tomorrow night. " "You do not waste any time. We’ll pick out a nice 'dapper' outfit. And maybe a little gift." " Maybe some nice Wonder Woman panties?" "That’s my gramps! No, that’s pretty much a third date thing. Don’t want to seem too forward. Just some flowers and maybe a bottle of this Merlot. It’s quite good. Oh, what’s her name?" " Annemarie." "That’s pretty."

The next night. No cane. Just flowers and wine. And nervous anticipation. And slightly sweaty palms. And three wrong turns. And Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown on the car radio. And, oh look, a lucky penny on the sidewalk. "Am I really doing this? It has been such a long time since I had a date. I’m not even going to think about the math on that one." Buzzed in. Up the steps. Slowly. "Which one? Here it is. 219." He lifts his hand to knock. At that moment a blast explodes from inside the apartment.. Flowers and wine drop as his knees buckle and his hands go to his ears. The ringing is intensely painful. The flowers lay scattered. The bottle rolls to a stop. His forehead rests against the door. Dazed, he lifts his head in horror. Wait? Is that a faint scratching on the other side of the door? Maybe. Maybe not.