Relationship frictions

If two or more people live together, it is entirely natural to have disagreements and conflicts since our needs and expectations differ. A relationship cannot exist without occasional arguments. Whether we fear them or manage them effectively depends solely on us.

Our Relationship Conflicts

Let’s take two examples and examine the difference between destructive and constructive arguments.

In the first case, a woman, unable to finish her work before a deadline, lashes out at her partner at the first opportunity, berating him harshly. The man, in response, storms out of the house.

In the second case, a man who craves more care and attention delivers a lecture on the "proper" way to do the dishes. However, this situation can shift into a constructive argument if the woman then asks, “What’s really bothering you?”

Such scenarios can happen to anyone, as emotional outbursts can overwhelm us all. Human emotions are much like helium in a sealed bottle—they seek an outlet wherever they can find one. Arguments and conflicts surface where resistance is weakest.

In our first example, the woman doesn’t call her project partner to vent her frustration about the impossible deadlines. Instead, she directs her anger at her partner—the person closest to her and someone she knows will endure it. At work, such behavior might cost her her job.

In the second story, the man’s pent-up emotional disappointment—stemming from feeling neglected—latches onto the first trivial, conflict-worthy issue (dishwashing) and ignites it like a spark to a flame.

Questions About Relationship Conflicts

When it comes to relationship arguments, two common questions often arise: “Why are you always arguing?” and “Don’t you ever argue?” Since a relationship without arguments doesn’t exist, the questions should be reframed as: “Do you always argue destructively?” and “How do you manage to argue so constructively?”

Destructive or Constructive?

In a destructive argument, one partner tries to dominate or overpower the other. These disputes are often marked by raised voices, a lack of personal space, and, in extreme cases, even physical aggression or violence. It’s not uncommon for one person to monopolize the conversation, refuse to let the other speak, or bring up old grievances that were supposedly resolved. Such arguments invariably harm the relationship because they don’t lead to closure. Instead, the same issues resurface repeatedly, leaving no sense of relief or resolution afterward.

Conversely, when done right, a constructive argument can help prevent larger relationship problems and even bring partners closer together. It’s almost like falling in love again, fostering a greater openness to recognizing each other’s needs. The foundation of a constructive argument lies in mutual agreement on certain ground rules and resisting the “red mist” of uncontrolled emotions.

Always and Never – The Victim and the Aggressor

We can only speak of arguments if we don’t sweep our problems under the rug, if we dare to stand up for ourselves in a dispute. Studies show that those who choose avoidance over confrontation often experience higher stress levels and elevated blood pressure. When someone avoids arguments altogether and consistently takes the escape route, it may indicate that the relationship is either in its very early stages—or nearing its end.

In the early stages, people often suppress their own needs in an effort to compromise. At the other extreme, when a relationship is close to ending, one partner may no longer care enough to invest energy into resolving conflicts.

Many people fear conflict and therefore avoid arguments. It’s worth considering whether this fear of conflict is, in fact, a fear of confronting their own desires. People who avoid relationship disputes often interpret arguments as provocations. In many cases, this stems from a lack of trust—either in themselves, in their partner, or in the relationship as a whole. They tend to cast themselves as victims and behave accordingly.

On the other hand, some individuals actively seek out conflicts, finding fault in everything. These people often lack awareness of their own desires and needs, making it impossible for them to communicate effectively. However, no one has ever found lasting happiness by “emotionally kicking” their partner over the course of years. Such behavior not only damages the relationship but also takes a toll on the aggressor, both mentally and physically.

So, How Should We Argue?

The most important rule to always keep in mind is to speak from your own perspective. Use phrases like, “I’m upset about this,” “This hurts me,” “I don’t like this,” “I wish for this,” or “I need that.” Even during an argument, we are responsible for our emotions, behaviors, and thoughts. Avoid using phrases like, “You always...” or “You’re doing it again...”

The shared goal of any argument should be to resolve the problem. Allow your partner to speak, and ensure they understand the issue and your wishes. However, remember that in a relationship conflict, both parties have desires and needs. Clearly and concisely articulate what’s bothering or upsetting you. This can be challenging, even for ourselves. Start by identifying the true source of the conflict. What is the real issue? For instance, is it the unwashed dishes, or is it that your partner desires more care and attention?

Help your partner uncover their frustration as well. Ask questions like, “Is this really what’s bothering you?” or “I feel like the issue isn’t actually with me right now...”

Finally, don’t be afraid of compromise. In a healthy argument, we can admit our weaknesses because we trust that our partner won’t use them to attack us.