Redefining Strength

Lately, I’ve spoken to many women between the ages of 30 and 50 who feel overwhelmed by the weight of endless responsibilities. As someone who enjoys listening deeply and offering support or relatable advice, I began noticing a pattern: most of these women are the eldest daughters in their families.

In many middle-class Indian households, responsibility is handed to the eldest daughter without much thought—either by default or because she simply steps up before anyone else does. From a young age, she's trained to be proactive, to anticipate others’ needs, to care. It’s not always a conscious decision. Sometimes the expectations are imposed. Other times, it seems like eldest daughters are wired—biologically or socially—to step up and take charge. Over time, this sense of duty becomes second nature.

She becomes the go-to person for her parents, her extended family, her spouse, her kids, her home, her career… everyone. And in trying to hold it all together, she often lets go of herself. “I’ll take care of me later,” she thinks. But that "later" rarely comes.

The hard part? Most people around them don’t realize the constant pressure they’re under. These women need a break—from alarms, kids' schedules, house help management, meal planning, aging parents’ health concerns, professional deadlines, and even emotional labor within their life. They're not trying to be superheroes, but their upbringing has shaped them into ones—always ready, always responsible.

In Indian society, especially in middle- or lower-income households, in cities or rural areas, this pattern starts early. Girls’ births are rarely celebrated with the same joy as boys. Naming ceremonies are skipped. First birthdays become the fallback celebration. Education and personal milestones often take a back seat. Daughters are expected to manage chores, care for others, and take on emotional responsibilities—often more so than their brothers, regardless of age. While sons—even older ones—often get a pass.

And when it comes to caregiving, the eldest daughter often becomes the emotional and logistical caretaker—not just for her parents but also for her in-laws. The sons may contribute little or nothing, yet get the benefit of lowered expectations simply because they’re male.

It’s not always easy to speak up. In more traditional families, daughters might face restrictions on what they wear, who they meet, or how they live. Over time, this creates a quiet resentment. It’s no wonder some daughters quietly wonder: Would life have been easier if I were a son?

So what should eldest daughters do? Are they meant to carry this load forever? Should they sacrifice their own lives for everyone else’s?

My answer is a partial no.

Why partial? Because if you drop everything, you'll likely carry a new burden: guilt. That guilt of “not doing enough” is real and it lingers. The key is to rebalance, not reject.

Here’s how:

• Delegate at home: Let your children manage their own chores and schedules. Let them fail and figure it out. Progress is better than perfection.

• Involve your partner: Share tasks like meal prep or managing household help.

• Protect time for yourself: Carve out one hour each day for a walk, yoga, or any form of self-care.

• Manage parental responsibilities smartly: In many families, especially middle-class ones, emotional labor falls heavily on daughters. When parents voice concerns, listen—but don’t let their stress become yours. And let's be honest: family members often dismiss free advice. But if the same thing comes from a doctor or a YouTube video, they take it seriously. Use that. Share a short, credible video or reel on health or lifestyle

• In joint families, don’t carry everyone: Just because you're there doesn’t mean you're responsible for everything. Divide work. Set expectations. Don't try to win approval for every task you do. You don’t need validation for everything you do.

• Don’t take things to heart: Let go when needed. Sometimes, caring less helps you do more.

• At work, set limits: Do your best, but don’t treat your workplace like your family. You owe your loyalty to yourself first. Avoid politics, protect your self-esteem, and give your energy only to what’s worth it.

And most of all—don’t compare yourself, especially not with your brothers or male cousins. Women are built to handle more than we’re credited for, but that doesn’t mean we should always have to.

If you’re an eldest daughter, you’ve done more than your fair share. Now it’s time to set some boundaries. Respect your limits. Prioritize your well-being. Let go of the guilt. And most of all—let others rise to the occasion.