Reasons Women in their 30's Are Single

I keep seeing articles and discussions about the disturbing state of singledom among women in their 30's. The reasons listed generally paint a picture of a declining society and state of values.

I was lucky to meet a man I could call my best friend and as a happily married woman, I’d like to answer the question of why a woman in her 30’s might be unmarried, from a woman's perspective. And the reason is…none of your business.

Yes, you heard correctly.

I am mentally exhausted by seeing article after article postulating why women over 30 are unmarried, why career women are unmarried, why x-type of woman and y-type of woman and z-type of woman is unmarried.

Let’s flip the perspective here and briefly discuss unmarried men. No one conducts research regarding their dark, nefarious reasoning or their potential ‘flaws’. For a man, we consider marriage his choice. He may choose to grow his career before settling down. He may decide he’s just not emotionally ready yet. He may decide that he isn’t willing to marry unless he finds someone that truly fits his soul, even if that doesn’t happen until he’s fifty. Or he may decide that he doesn’t want to marry at all. Period.

Yet, if a woman is unmarried because she is focusing on her career then she must be some sort of boss-bitch. If she doesn’t want to settle for someone who isn’t her best friend (and she hasn’t been lucky enough to meet that kind of person yet) then she must be over-demanding. If she’s just not ready to settle down then she is immature and self-centered and most probably a “slut”. And God-forbid she says she just doesn’t want to marry. Well, that’s just ridiculous. Of COURSE she does. ALL women must want to marry! She’s either lying to herself or a total, issue-ridden, recluse, living with fifteen cats!

We treat marriage as a choice for men, but as an accomplishment for women. We act as if women somehow failed by not being married. I do not consider myself as having “accomplished” anything by marrying. I simply consider myself lucky to have met someone I can call my best friend — and we BOTH chose to be together.

Historically, marriage was a choice for men but a necessity for women. An unmarried woman was considered a financial burden on her family. If she had no family to support her then she risked becoming financially desolate. On top of the above, she would also be socially ostracized. This is no longer the case. However, there is still a chunk of society that can't seem to reconcile themselves to the fact that finally marriage is a true choice for women, just as much as it always has been for men. And, just like for men, marriage does not somehow complete a woman as a person, nor does it define her as a person.

Let’s be frank, there are many wonderful reasons to get married. However, people also get married out of loneliness, desperation, to satisfy family and cultural pressure, and for financial gain. There are just as many positive reasons to choose to not marry as there are terrible reasons to marry.

Women are allowed to choose to not marry. They are allowed to be happy single. They are allowed to make this choice for any number of reasons that feel right to them, without needing to justify their choice to other people, or society in general. And maybe…just maybe…she’s unmarried because she doesn’t feel like marrying a man who keeps asking women this stupid question that we are currently discussing.

P.S. My husband agrees.

* Original version published on Medium