When You Are Being Nice, Are You Being Kind?

According to the Blackburn Centre “niceness involves doing something that is pleasing or agreeable. By contrast, kindness is doing something that is helpful to others, or that comes from a place of benevolence.” Therefore, niceness and kindness are not the same thing and yet somehow our society has come to equate acting in a pleasing manner (niceness) with true benevolence (kindness) when in fact, they can be the opposite.

For example, let’s pretend that your best friend comes to you. They just had a massive breakup and are absolutely hateful of their partner. They vent to you everything that has happened and as you listen it becomes clear that your friend is as much at fault as their partner. But, you’re a nice person and you don’t want to hurt your best friend so you say “you deserve better,” and “yeah, they were an asshole.” And perhaps you sprinkle that with “you are an amazing person and you did absolutely nothing wrong.” Great. You were nice. But you were not kind.

Showing true kindness to your friend would have been to tell them the truth. If they are not aware of how they are contributing to the downfall of their relationships and you enable that lack of awareness then you are enabling the downfall of their future relationships.

The truth is, sometimes we are nice, not to be kind, but because it’s easier, it’s more pleasant, it does not lead to arguments or uncomfortable situations, and, let’s be honest, sometimes it gets us what we want. Our ‘niceness’ is sometimes quite self-serving.

That’s not always a bad thing. Consider a fundraiser for sick children. The biggest potential donor owns an architectural firm that just designed something hideous. They ask your opinion and you know they are extremely touchy about their work. Are you going to be ‘nice’ and fake compliment them? Maybe, if it means they will be more likely to donate that 50k to your charity and help a sick child. Yeah, your niceness was selfish…in order to be selfless. Funny, huh?

Or, consider a staff meeting and one of your employees completely went off the rails on their latest assignment that they are now presenting to the entirety of the company. But, instead of being honest, you thank them for their hard work and clap. Later on, in private, you tell them what was wrong in order to help them improve for next time. So, you were nice, in order to be kind later on.

But, consider a colleague at work showing you their assignment that they are about to present to the entirety of the company. You know it’s awful but you are nice, so you go ahead and cheer them on, leading them to look foolish at the staff meeting. By choosing not to deal with them ‘feeling bad’ you actually made them feel much worse later.

And lastly, consider that you are always saying what everyone likes to hear because you want everyone to like you. Are you forming any true friendships? No, because no one actually knows you.

We have all found ourselves in situations in which we do or say something “to be nice”. And we equate niceness with true kindness, so then we feel bad, cruel, mean etc…if we don’t do “the nice thing”, even when it’s the wrong thing.

It’s not about always shouting out the harsh truth in every situation. It’s not about never choosing to just be pleasant. It’s about understanding the difference between niceness and kindness and understanding that true kindness is not always pleasant and nice. It’s about considering the effects of both being nice and being kind in situations you are faced with and then making a conscious decision as to which one you will be in each situation.

It’s about taking control of who you are.

*Originally published on Medium