Poly Living

I have been engaging in a polyamorous lifestyle before I even knew there was a term for it. When I was 13 years old, I was dating a boy that I noticed my best friend seemed to have a crush on too. Instead of getting angry at her, I asked her point blank if she liked him, and reassured her that I wouldn't be upset if she was honest with me. She was my best friend and I really was not at all bothered when I noticed her flirting with him and interest in him. She told me that she did like him a lot, and my response to her was "well, you can date him too if he wants. We can both date him, I don't mind." And I didn't mind. He agreed and dated both of us for a several months... a lifetime in teen years back then. She met someone else and broke up with him. Then a short time later, he ended up getting another girl pregnant and broke up with me because he had to 'marry' her.

The main point of that story is that even in my younger years, I did not view love and relationships as something that could only consist of two people. I always viewed love as something very fluid and free, something that should be felt and expressed to avoid conflict, rather than suppressed. As a young child I witnessed how truly destructive jealousy in love and relationships could be. I watched my mother get beaten nearly to death by a jealous boyfriend because he would read into anything she did, even answering a waiter who was asking for her order. I watched her and my father fight nonstop because she felt like he was flirting with other women anytime they went out together. I saw my Aunt be used and lied to by a man who was married and just wanted a baby because his wife could not give him one. He cheated on his wife with my Aunt. She fell in love with him. She got pregnant. Then he told her the truth and had the gull to ask her to allow him and his wife to have custody of, and raise the child as their own. They even offered to pay my Aunt. She didn't accept, but she was devastated by his lies.

Even in school, I saw constant fights breaking out over jealous boys and girls, cheating and lying. It was just so... unnecessary. I never felt jealousy in relationships. For a long time I thought something was wrong with me because of it too. I met the man who would become my husband when I was 16 years old. He had never really dated anyone before me and as our relationship turned into a more 'official' thing, I knew that I had to be completely honest with him about my mindset with relationships and love. I told him that I never wanted either of us to regret our time together, and that if our relationship turned into a long-term commitment, it was even more important that there be no regrets or feelings of 'missing out'. After all, we were both very young and relatively inexperienced in the world. I told him that my one rule was this - we never lie to each other. Period.

He was free to be involved with other women as much as he wanted, as long as he remained honest with me about his involvements. I was also free to be involved with others (men and women since he knew I also was not straight), and I would always be completely honest with him about my interactions and involvements. We both mutually dated others during our relationship, we even had a third partner, a woman, that was both of our girlfriend for a time. As we got older, he wasn't as interested in dating or meeting other people anymore, so he stopped. He never asked that of me, because he knew that was not the person I was, or would ever likely be. He understood me from the start and accepted me, despite my more... fluid views on relationships and love.

I met my second life partner when I was 24 years old, and again, I was completely honest with him when we first met. He knew I was married. He knew my views on relationships and love. I never set out to "find" other people to be involved with or date or have sex with. That is the first misconception that I want to clarify when it comes to polyamory. It's not about sex. Many people assume that people involved in the poly lifestyle do so simply because they want to be able to have an 'excuse' to have sex with other people outside of their relationship. That could not be further from the truth. I never actively sought other people outside of my relationships, nor did my husband. But if a connection was felt and began to form, we allowed ourselves the freedom to explore it. We never lied to those we became involved with, from the start they knew our relationship status.

Poly is not about lying to a spouse or lying to other people. It is not about sneaking around acting single. It is about not suppressing connections that form, and in doing so, experiencing a truly honest form of love. Free of jealousy. Free of lying. Free of making excuses. Free from hiding and sneaking around. I am completely honest with my husband when I go out with my partner. And if my husband ever met someone else he connected with, he would do the same in return with me. It's not about sex. And since I met my partner, I have not connected with anyone else in a way that I felt I needed to explore. I have felt complete and happy and loved by both, my husband and my partner. Both of them accept me as I am and neither expects nor asks me to change into someone I am not. This is honest love.

Many people see poly as being a dirty, evil, dishonest lifestyle, when in reality, it is all about honesty, connections and love. When I tell people that, it seems to really confuse them because they cannot understand how someone can love more than one person. I usually begin by asking them if they have ONLY loved just ONE person their entire life, no one else just one single person. In our lives, we meet many different people starting from childhood and it doesn't stop until we die. Most people have dated several others before they eventually settle down. Feelings are developed towards other people through dating or just interacting often with them. How many times do we see scenarios play out where a person falls in love with their best friend? But they are too scared to tell them or the best friend is already involved with someone else so the feelings stay hidden.

In any case, we develop connections with many people in our lifetime for the most part. Therefore it is never just ONE person. It doesn't have to be this 'swept off my feet' love either. A connection is simply that - a connection. Many people talk about having 'work' spouses, it's a term used for humor but if you honestly look at it, many times, those 'work' spouses have connections. They have feelings towards one another. It may not be love, but it is a connection. I have heard from more than one person during these conversations that the only reason they don't 'explore' the connection they have with their 'work' spouse is because of their commitment to their 'home' spouse.

How often is it nowadays that a marriage ends in divorce after years together because one spouse or both spouses cheated? They developed a connection but instead of being honest with their spouse, they suppressed it, tried to deny it and allowed it to be turned into something dishonest and ugly. If love was viewed by more as a fluid thing, and jealousy was not so 'normalized' as something relationships should have, maybe marriages would not be prone to such high divorce rates due to dishonesty. If people were free to explore these connections and be honest about it in their relationships, perhaps it would strengthen their unions rather than crush them. In my experience, it has definitely kept both of my relationships strong through mutual respect and honesty at all times.

I often see people assume that poly means the alpha, 'dom' or man in the relationship dates who they want while the beta, 'sub' or woman does not. This is false. In true poly relationships the connection is openly allowed on all sides. It's not fair to expect a partner to accept that you will see other people if you want to but they are not allowed that same freedom. Poly is often tied in as a inclusion in BDSM. I have never truly understood these two lifestyles being combined as mutually exclusive to each other. I do not consider myself a partaker in the BDSM lifestyle. I have nothing against it, but it has never been something that has appealed to me.

I went to a spiritual convention last year with my best friend, a woman who I consider my platonic life partner because while she and I share a deep connection, she is completely straight and I respect that. I do love her very much, and both my husband and my partner know about her as a big part of my life as well, but in a different way than my involvement with them. She knows my lifestyle, she knows all my secrets, and she has never made me feel shame. She accepts me and I accept her as she is too. When we went to this convention together, we met a man who was very desperately trying to impress her. She has a very strong energy about her and her personality can be seen as aggressive by men. In the more 'dom' minded men this seems to bring our their desire to 'tame' her, so to speak.

When she mentioned to the man that I was poly, he immediately assumed that it meant I was submissive to my husband and that HE had other partners, while I was the 'sub' who obeyed. Then he continued to try to use that as a means to try to impress my best friend and tried to 'nudge' her into being one of his 'girlfriends'. We quickly made our exit at that point and I vented to her over my frustration with people like him who are totally confused about what true polyamory living is. It is because of persons like him who fuse together two different lifestyle concepts into one that fits what they want, that has so many others assuming the worse about polyamory.

It is not about control. It is not about dominating another person. It is not about sex. It is not about BDSM or any of the other false assumptions that people have when they hear polyamory. It is about connections and love. It is about honesty. It is about commitment and respect. It is about complete trust in all of your relationships. I am a woman, I have been married to my husband for 28 years. I have been with my boyfriend for 23 years. I have been in what is essentially a platonic relationship with my best friend for 13 years. I am living a polyamorous life because I have never seen love or relationships as something other than fluid and free. Poly is not for everyone, but those living a poly lifestyle are not immoral or sinners for how they love.

It is just about love and connections.

©Luna Verity 2024