Please Hold for a Moment of Girl Talk

I think there's something so special about girl friendships - the relationships that just feel so fruitful, the ones that refresh you and don't drain you, and the friendships that can pick up right where they left off, even if you're not physically close. These are the ones to hold on to and to really nourish. These are the types of friendships I'm intentional about giving my time and energy to.

I've been reading a few books lately that have helped me understand more about female relationships. It made me think about how difficult it can be to find really good quality female relationships. I'm blessed that I have some really great women in my life -- my sisters and my niece are the closest to me and if they ended up being all I have, I'd be happy with that. I'm someone who, over time, has only a few really good quality friends - this came with discernment over time, and because I've changed and grown personally, my priorities and goals in my life have changed, and a smaller circle of friends was the result.

I love that life for me and I wanted to take a minute to write this to any female out there who may be struggling in this area or asking the question "Who are my real friends? How do I know they'll have my back?" See, I am very selective and I have pretty high expectations. What I mean by that is there are so many women that I meet who I think are incredible. They are making their dreams come true, whether in their careers or in their families - I see them thriving and giving it their all. I have pretty high expectations of my friends, and I say high expectations although really I just expect them to not let their insecurities control their life.

I think this is where it's important to realize that we attract what we put out there, I'm sure you've heard of that before but you attract the type of friendships and relationships you have with other women. There were times in my early twenties that I found myself very depressed, and I used to be negative about everything, it was like a toxic spiral I couldn't seem to get out of. I saw the bad in everyone and everything. The "close" friends that I had furthered this mentality because we'd get together and rant about everything and everyone we disliked. I'll admit, it was fun and it helped me feel like I was "healing." That couldn't have been further from the truth, but at that time, it gave me a certain "power" - this was a false and flawed sense of power, as it was turning me into a hateful person. That's never a cute look for anyone.

I started to notice that these women around me who I had become friends with, at the root of their negativity, at the core of their gossip, struggled so much with insecurity. It brought me back to my high school days where suddenly I felt self-conscious about how I looked, what I said, what I did, and tons of negative self-talk on top of that. I was drowning and I hated feeling that way inside. That's when I had to take a step back and ask myself, do I want to change for the better?

When I changed my mentality and took active steps to free myself from the bondage of depression, self-doubt and darkness (I seeked therapy, got involved in my local church to get on track with my faith, quit my depressing job and found a better one - allowing me to pay off debt, participated in things that bring joy - like reading, writing, painting, nourished my deeper friendships that had always been in the background, spent more time with my family, and got married) I noticed these "close friends" started to further and further isolate from me - they stopped reaching out to check on me and quietly exited my life.

The insecurities and the lack of self-awareness in some of these women...it's almost like another person is attached to these women that is hindering them from living their best life. It shows up in comparisons. It shows up in competition. It shows up in a lack of being supportive. It shows up in manipulation, gaslighting, and deceit. It shows up in toxic gossip. It shows up in jealousy. Are we all ok out here? ... What happened to empowering women? Is that not "in style" anymore? It makes me so bummed for these women! I see how they're just controlled by their insecurities and their emotions and it's holding them back in life.

They have so much potential and yet they're crippling their own growth by allowing these things to take root in their lives and own them.

Ladies, hear me out - I don't want any of you to "struggle session" your way through life. I want you to be able to find your power and claim it, even if you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel quite yet. I'm not saying having insecurities is wrong or that you shouldn't have it at all - that would not be realistic. We have insecurities, we have negative thoughts, we have bad days - we're all human. The key is that you don't have to dwell on it and let it become you. You don't have to take it on as your personality and let it consume you to the point that you're overflowing with it and it's all you talk about with others. I want to encourage you to step into your power and be ok with saying NO to it. It's OK to not love everything about yourself (a good friend of mine says "having confidence is one thing, being a narcissist is another") and so we can have insecurities but we don't need to let them control our lives.

Do you know women like this in your life? Dear one, I want you to know that you don't need to let them hinder you from having amazing relationships with other women and don't let them hinder you from achieving your goals and your dreams. It's heartbreaking to see so many amazing women (especially my younger ladies out there) struggle with so many negative thoughts and damaging self-talk. I know it can be difficult navigating relationships and knowing when to be friends with someone and when to maybe cut a relationship. It's OK to have boundaries with someone because she's constantly comparing herself to you. Remember, love is setting healthy boundaries. It's OK to not be friends with everybody that you meet. It's OK to be selective and expect those around you to be selective as well. It's OK to be intentional with who you give your time and energy to. It's OK that you're not everybody's cup of tea. As my friend would say, "Shake the dust off your cute shoes and move along with your life."

Your time is valuable just like you, so be wise with your time, energy, and relationships.

Once you start loving yourself, your taste in people is going to completely change. When you don't love or value yourself, you are going to subconsciously accept relationships and friendships with behaviors that match your low sense of self-worth. That's when you're going to ignore those red flags and settle for less. That's when you're going to attract the people who mirror your own insecurities. Once you start genuinely loving yourself, respecting yourself, and knowing yourself - you'll start to set boundaries. Take notice of who sticks around and who quietly fades into the background. You're going to naturally start attracting people who respect you, who uplift you, and who match your energy. They know their power and "real recognize real" - they will sense that you know your power too. You're going to stop chasing the validation and start attracting the alignment.

If you take anything from this, I want you to take this little love note in conclusion: love yourself because that's when you stop settling and start attracting what you actually deserve. Once you do this, everything will fall into place. You're going to be alright. ~