Perfection

My head hurts. Where am I? I feel like I can’t move. Afraid, I am afraid. I hear nothing. I can't remember how I got here. Where am I? what is happening, is it a dream?

I am trying to open my eyes; they are so heavy. Pushing myself I manage to pry them open, but I see nothing.

Darkness. Surrounded by darkness. Not just any darkness. Not the kind where you see a silhouette or you hear things, but total darkness. The kind that welcomes you and terrifies you. The darkness that most have never experienced. I have though. I remember as a child, being lock in a room in the cellar. Hungry, so hungry.

I am not hungry now but am I back in the cellar.

I hurt. I realize I hurt, the fear is giving way to pain.

Pain. I am in pain. not end all pain, but a soreness that feels deep and old.

So tired. So dark. Sleep is coming, I welcome it.

I am awake. My head doesn't hurt so much, it isn’t so heavy. I can tell I am bound by ropes or some type of cloth. Fear is trying to take over. I must be calm. I have to think. I must feel outside the pain. It is not so bad now, the pain.

Where am ?. How did I get here?

Damn it Emily you have to remember.

What if it is my parents? The fear increases. I must think before the panic sets in.

I remember a glass of merlot. it hangs in my mind like a candle in the dark. I remember I drank it. It seemed bitter. I remember setting my glass on the bar. I focused on it. The drops of wine left streaming to settle at the bottom of the glass. I thought how beautiful, the light hit the glass in a way to make it shimmer. Something in my brain wasn't right and as the last droplet rolled down the glass, I realized it. but it was too late. My brain was in a fog.

I remember a voice telling me I was "perfection."

I tried to tell the voice no, but I couldn't speak. No one has ever wanted me. I was no good. My parents didn't want me, my ex left me for another. I wasn't prefect. I was never enough. I was nothing.

The voice belonged to an angel. It was deep and kind. I realize now it was his voice. My blind date. His words kept spilling over me like a warm blanket. "You are beautiful. I waited a lifetime for you. You are perfection. No one compares to you. I will care for you. I will love you. You need me."

I believed the voice. I knew I needed him. I needed his love. It was all I ever wanted. As I started to fall into darkness I wanted to tell the voice please love me for real, please let it be real!

Remembering these feelings break me and tears stream down my face in the darkness. I feel the wetness, taste them in my mouth. They are the sweetest tears I have ever cried. Pure, like his love for me. I wish I could have told him. I wanted too so bad. I wanted him to know how very much I loved him. I hope he is the one holding me here. Hope is the only thing countering the fear.

Thinking back, I am not sure it was the drug he gave me or desperation to belong, to be loved, that caused all the feelings, maybe it was both.

How did our date end up with me tied up in the dark? I don't know. I only remember bits and pieces. I remember the dating site, the phone calls. I remember the restaurant, heading back to his place. It was a dream date. A complete fantasy. I remember the wine, the candlelight.

I hope it is him that has me here.

My parents, it could be them. My evil parents. The torture haunts me. I feel the old fear and panic rising like a mountain inside my chest. My heart pounds.

I hear something. I hope it is him, Jay, my love, my angel. I hope he is my captor. I need him.

'Please do not let it be them' I beg an un-listening god that lives in my head.

Footsteps coming closer. I want to hear his voice again. i want it to be him.

I am scared. What is wrong with me, why do I want him so?

A door opens, light fills the room. my eyes hurt. I close them.

I smell him. My heart flutters. It is him.

I wait for him to speak. I know he loves me. I have never been loved before, not really until now.

"My perfection, how are you, does your head hurt my love?" he whispers in a sweet voice.

I reach down deep and out of fear and love say, in a timid voice, "Just a little".

"Oh, my darling, I am so sorry. are you uncomfortable? If I untie you, will you run?"

My body is ready to run, my instincts tell me to scream for help, but I can’t. I just want to be loved. I need it. I need him.

“I can’t run, I need you” it comes out as a whisper and I am afraid he did not hear me. I am still so fearful, but I need to belong. I do need him.

Tears come down his face as he makes his way too me. “I love you.” He says so sweetly, “ I have always loved you. Let me show you.”

He kisses my forehead. He unties me. He is gentle as he helps me up.

My stomach is in knots as I wait for pain or humiliation. I fear rejection. None of that comes, only love.

I am greeted with tender kindness. With a love so great that it has always been unknown to me until now. I didn't know it could exist, but I feel it. I feel the love deep inside me, like a well that is endless, filling up.

Jay, my angel, confides in me, “I knew from the minute I saw you I loved you. I was afraid you would reject my love. I only brought you here to help you understand my love. I would have waited for as long as it took to make you understand my love. I am sorry if you are hurt. I have you a bath drawn. I have you new clothes. I had hoped you would love me right away as I loved you. I was so afraid you wouldn’t. I was afraid I would have to make you love me.”

He kisses me. I embrace it. I am his.

"I love you" I say with confidence.

He believes me, I can tell.

My heart pounds in my chest. My fear melts away. He hugs me. I feel something I have never felt before. I am loved. I am home.

I know now what I was created for. I was created for this man. To love him and to be loved. I feel my old life is gone. I am new now, new in him, with him and because of him. I am his perfection. I am perfection.