Oops I did it Again...

I did it again. Fell hard for a tall, handsome, eloquent, intelligent, athletic and gorgeous man, who made me feel like the center of the universe. This one I thought, was different. He was enlightened! He knew who Abraham Hicks was! He meditated and practiced yoga! He wasn’t afraid to look deep within himself and uncover core wounds! We discussed astral projection! Did he really say he was interested in my curiosity of quantum mechanics? From the moment we met, everything flowed so effortlessly. Our schedules allowed for us to spend incredible amounts of time together. And spend time together we did! Every spare moment we were meeting up. For coffee, for a drink, for a drive. If we had 15 free minutes in the middle of our hectic day, we would spend it together. It was all so magical. The way his beautiful sparkling blue eyes would stare at me. How beautiful he told me he found me. How he would hold me. How affectionate he was wherever we went. How he completely disarmed me by being so comfortable in his own skin. How comfortable he allowed me to feel to just be me, without any of the usual accoutrements of make-up, hair, padded bra, etc., the image I felt I had to put on everyday to feel accepted by society. And did I mention the sex? We made love for hours at a time. Finally, I thought, a man who really knew how to create a safe space for deep intimacy, so we could both let go. The word “love” fell out of our mouths so naturally. He told me I was the one. I told him he was the one. My heart was so full. Finally I thought, the piece de romantic resistance from all these years of kissing frogs...And then...

I know, you’re wondering how is it that a 51 year old single mom, who is well educated, who was an officer in several banks, who not only survived a brutal divorce that lasted three years, but rose from her burned ash of her former self to reinvent herself by building an award winning bar/lounge, run for office (and win!) can believe in fairy tales? As I write this, with my heart shattered and a big lump on my throat from fighting back tears, still so yearning to see him, I wonder the same thing. How did I miss all the signs. It is true, that there’s no one blinder than the one who doesn’t want to see. Little by little, and it starts off so subtle, he began to push me away because he felt I had done something unacceptable. I broke his trust in the beginning of our relationship. Only to pull me back the next day for a glory filled few days. Then he would push me away again, bringing up the reason why he couldn’t trust me (because I was honest about my feelings for someone I dated briefly when I met him). Although we had only known each other for a month or so when this push/pull started, I was addicted to how he made me feel when things were good. And when things were good, they were out of this world good. The connection we had was intense and powerful. And so heartachingly beautiful. But then he would push me away. This enlightened man, told me that our energy together was unstable and too powerful to take and integrate. Something is off. We need to take a break. Slow things down. And he would bring up his trust issues again... what I did. How I said I was done with the other guy and I wasn’t. How I made him eat shit. How my low self esteem would lead to unconscious self sabotage. How I needed to work on my core wounds from childhood traumas. And each time, I desperately wanted to work on those core wounds and be the person I needed to be so that we could get back to lasting “good” days. So I went to work. Meditated more, read self-help books, spiritual books, sought a cranial sacral therapist, acupuncturist, intuitive coach, and traditional therapist.

The more I meditated and paid closer attention to how I was feeling, the more my heart felt uneasy. This pattern I’ve seen before...I have felt this desperation to want to get back to that “high” of “winning” before. The gambler’s fallacy that has been the main theme of my romantic life. SMFH. But it wasn’t until I had a session with the intuitive life coach that reality came into sharp focus. She said: “Hmmm... if he’s pointing that one finger so hard at you, there’s always 3 that are pointed at him. It’s not you, he’s projecting because his cords aren’t done with his ex”. And she was right. While he and I were taking things slow, he neglected to tell me that he was texting his ex and meeting her for coffee on occasion. And this is the best part... he blamed it on me. It was because of what I did that he reconnected with her... they’re just friends...she’s going through a divorce and is a mess...he doesn’t want the bitch back...Gaslight much?

I am not a psychologist, but there are some narcissistic traits here at play. The manipulation and control tactics were world class. Blaming me for his bad decisions is a classic trait. And him being enlightened was just another tool he had for manipulation. I saw images of myself being a Neil Lebute character. Shape of Things comes to mind. But my heart still aches. Why you ask? What some of you already surmised, is that I allowed him to manipulate me. He wasn’t wrong in the low self esteem aspect of myself. That’s a story for another day. I put him on a pedestal, made myself feel inferior to him. Felt validated through him. All recipes for disaster. He even admitted to reading the book, The Pick up Artist and applying some of the techniques on me. It is possible that we are that easy to be wooed. It can come down to a formula.

So what does this all mean? Well, I learned so far, that everything has a silver lining. From my failed marriage, I gained so much. My two sassy, beautiful, adorable daughters, my love for living in the country. My love for hospitality and service. From this brief but intense encounter? I gained the gifts of looking deeply at some shadow parts of myself I had buried. Parts of myself that through these experiences were whispering wisdom and yearning to be seen and heard, healed and integrated. We have been molded by well-intentioned adults, what is acceptable and not. But it is accepting and loving all parts of us that brings us wholeness and inner peace. So Mr. Enlightened. I thank you. And I so love you for putting me on the right path. And I wish you love on your own journey to peace and wholeness.