Not a Barn Owl

Not a Barn Owl

A fire conversation

I’m pretty sure I met a barn owl once. It was on an epic night with my girlfriend of the time. I’ve always been proud of my sexual prowess. I see sex as a sport and counting my girlfriends’ orgasms was like a pastime to me. This particular girlfriend had never had an orgasm from penetration before, and being who I am, I took it upon myself to be her first! She ended up being a tough nut to bust, though. She was exceptionally tight, which was cool, but she was a fan of that little extra impact! Now, I’m not a small guy. Think Kobe’s little brother. Basketball was his thing…

That said, 6’2” 200 pounds with a matching penis, trying to figure it out with a woman who was a whopping 135 holding a brick. You do the math…

Anyway, she had this lovely, velvety, lusciously seductive puzzle to solve. And as I had indulged in every problem solving minute of it, we unlocked chambers to her soul that let us connect on a celestial level. Think when Avatar Korra fought Vaatu. Instead of fighting though, we combined our energies to achieve a common goal. To this day, that memory is still delicious to me.

Leaving her place after the first time we had achieved celestial convergence, I am obviously feeling some type of way. Setting records in a gym that’s never been scored in will have your energy on a whole other level. I crossed the parking lot towards my car, with acutely heightened senses, I keenly detected the crunchy snow beneath my feet. Overhead, a bird flew past me without as much as a flutter. It flew at an angle towards a small hill ahead of me. It was a smooth glide. The animal only turned its tail feathers a bit to control its angle. It landed on a grassy knoll that looked like an oasis in the arctic desert that was this college campus parking lot. The base of the knoll was deep in snow, but the higher/more towards the center you got on the patch of earth, the less snow there was. With the street lamp at the hill’s center, the owl found a comfortable perch at the foot of the street lamp.

With a warm and inviting light being cast down upon the oasis owl, I couldn’t help but to gaze upon it as I approached. It faced me as I got closer. It was a tiny thing. But this tiny thing had what I could only describe as a presence… I felt like the space he took up was infinite, and I had been in it for much longer than I had been aware. We stared intently at one another as I drew closer. It’s heart-shaped countenance gave me a sense that his demeanor was thoughtful and deliberate. I felt like something with an older and larger soul was studying me. It was absolutely awkward but for some reason I didn’t mind.

Admittedly though, I spoke to break the awkward silence, “nice night?”

“It’s a bit nippy,” he stared back…

I agreed, as I embraced myself for warmth. I looked at him inquisitively, “are you a barn owl?”

He turned his neck to the side, so the heart was sideways now, “nah bro. I’m not a barn owl.” …I had never known a sarcastic barn owl before.

“You’re kind of an asshole, huh?” I asked out loud following his response.

Just then, the owl popped up! With a jump, he only opened his wings to accelerate his descent back into the snow. I ain’t gonna lie…Scared the shit outta me! But he landed so fast I didn’t have time to jump. I could only force myself breathe a moment after the explosively tyrannical landing.

The impact was this insanely furious explosion of snow. I could make out a moment of violence as he struggled with that I would soon learn was his victim. The struggle ended in a flash with the owl still looking at me. I couldn’t see what it had killed but the snow, his prey was covered with, was now being dyed in blood. “Will it bother you if I eat while we talk?” he asked politely. I didn’t mind. He began.

I was curious. “Do you have a favorite food?”

He answered “of course” as he tore off a piece of his dinner and looked upwards to scarf it down.

Me: What’s your favorite food?

Him: Never thought about it. I do get excited when I see squirrels though.

Me: Huh…of all the things… I don’t know why… but I didn’t expect you to say that.

Him: Well I don’t see them super often so it’s like a delicacy.

Legitimately curious about my man’s diet at this point I nodded, “that actually makes a lot of sense.” I pressed on, “what else do you eat?”

Him: birds, rabbits, hares…

Me: Wait. Hold up. Rabbits AND hares! I hate to say you’re splitting hairs but that’s the same thing. If you don’t have a wide variety just say that. You ain’t gotta be splitting one menu item into two animals just to impress me. Also you eat birds? Sooo you’re like a cannibal?

I was self-righteous and offensive with my last question.

Him: if need be…but no eating my kind isn’t a way of life for me. Ya know? Like capitalism. And actually hare and rabbit are quite different. Hare is tougher darker meat. And they have different habits so hunting them is different.

I had just noticed that he had a slightly British tone to his responses.

Me: interesting. You know about capitalism? But we don’t eat our own…well some of us do but that’s for sure not the norm.

I defended the human race.

Swallowing another bite, he asked what I meant. He reminded me that every nation on the planet has a social structure where the financially strong eat the financially weak. We may not eat the flesh of others but when the poor sacrifice their bodies and health for the wealthy, it’s the same thing with extra steps. I stood silently for a while as the teacher ate.

After finally quiet contemplation I had to ask, “How do you know this?”

Owl: By spreading his wings he announced “We evolved from dinosaurs that lived in trees. They developed feathers. Learned how to fly and grew on our evolutionary path as a smaller, more easily sustainable creature. I’ve been around a long time, human kid. I’ve heard things. My ancestors have heard and experienced things. We animals are much more aware of our genetic memories. It’s the reason our ‘instinct’ is stronger. Humans have a sense for it too, but your world is so polluted with bad karma, it’s difficult for you to create good karma in your full capacity. Thusly, you’re not consciously tuned to it. As a result, your conscious and genetic understanding is more separate. So there’s essentially another half to your existence that you’re of which unaware. Ever heard of a book called Rats of NIMH? It’s a children’s book. But it’s got some interesting notions.”

As I pondered on the realization that I was learning from a modern day raptor who could read, I began to feel like this was something people should be worried about. I could tell he was about to take off. I felt like I was supposed to keep asking questions, though. The only thing I could think was… “wait, you can talk? Why don’t animals talk to everybody?”

He hooted. I guess I listened.

Finally I knew what I wanted to ask this creature. This being whose divine aura had encompassed me since before I knew it existed. “Have you read the bible?”

He looked like he was no longer bored of the conversation. His eyes looked back at mine with a depth that should have scared me. Like looking back, the memory of how dark his eyes were send chills down my spine. I don’t know what the opposite of glow is, but I know that’s what his eyes did. At the same time though, not only was I without fear, I was excited to see I had found the key. The key to his attention! He moved his face towards me while his body stood still. The darkness that was contained within his pupils had engulfed me. It was cooling and enthralling. Serene yet riveting. I never wanted attention from a barn owl so much in my life. With as close to a smile as a barn owl can give, he replied, “yes.”

Face-to-face now, I was being spaghettified by two blackholes and was thrilled. I asked this omniscient owl, “how much of it is true?”

His response was along the lines of its all true in an allegorical context. I could only nod. Seeming satisfied with my questions, he prepared for takeoff again. I wasn’t ready for him to leave. I needed to get him talking. I rushed through my mind to find a reason for him to stay. The only thing I could think was a question I had had since I first started reading the bible. “If all serpent had to slither along their bellies, why do some reptiles slither and some walk?”

He friend reshuffled himself and cranked his neck in what I could only perceive as excitement. “interestingly enough, I’ve always thought genesis was quite funny from a bird’s perspective,” he conveyed.

“How so?” I goaded.

Him: Well think about it. My ancestors were like the princes of the skies. Dragon’s ruled the air back in these times.

Me: Wait dragon’s!? Where did dragon’s come from?

Him: We were talking about serpents. They all slither on their bellies in comparison to when they could fly.

My jaw dropped, “wait so birds were allowed to evolve because serpents got downgraded from dragons!?”

“Yeah. Imagine a crocodile that could fly! Things were goddamn dangerous! They were so powerful and such dominant forces, the bigger ones had to evolve slower reproductive cycles. They were so dominant the only predators they competed with were other dragons’ of the same class. Most dragons’ would move to find another territory. They were Lucifer’s favorites. He moved through them as he does with humanity today. He is the reason they were struck down.” The cynical bird chuckled to himself.

“Wait, I thought it was because a serpent spoke to Eve in the garden?” I was questioning his validity.

“Yes but who guided the serpent to speak to Eve?” my friend responded.

“Lucifer…but if Lucifer is behind them speaking, why would God punish the serpents?” I questioned.

“You must understand, God’s intent for man was to be good. Perfectly good. Imagine God is playing the Sims with the goal of building the perfect neighborhood and Lucifer comes and mucks it up by entering data into a system that was not ready. He basically corrupted the file and now it’s original intent could never be fulfilled. Imagine spending billions of years on a game for one specific achievement and some sprite comes and makes it so that you could never do it!” The bird raised his wings motherfuckerly and gave them a powerful flap.

“I mean true, but how many species got screwed because god wanted to get back at Lucifer? Sounds kinda petty to me,” I challenged.

Taken aback for a moment, he regained his composure. “I never made the argument that God is perfect. That’s why the human experiment was so important. God’s creation was going to participate in a perfection he could never take part in himself. He was heartbroken.”

There was a heaviness in his response that begged another question, “can humans no longer be perfectly good now?”

Gathering his former poise, my friend answered. “It’s like an asymptote. You can get really close but you’ll never be perfectly good. It’s the reason for his grace. The first half of the bible is basically God being furious that his creation is essentially broken. And the last half is him coming to terms and accepting man for what he was becoming.” The owl bowed as though the gem he had just dropped was the reason for this entire conversation.

“What are you?” was my final question.

As my friend flew away into the night, he hooted, “definitely not a barn owl.” Winter’s gripping darkness veiled his departure.

I told my girlfriend about my experience the next day. Her response was, “so my vagina made you see God!?”

We laughed hysterically. She laughed because she thought she was hilarious. I laughed because I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I had eaten an edible before we banged.