Love Is A Verb

“Why did nobody check on my mental health when I kept tattooing my face?” is a question I asked myself months ago. As I sat pondering on my previous life choices, I thought about the fact that many of them were clear signs that I wasn’t ok. I couldn’t help but wonder if the people in my life genuinely cared for me as they watched me get excessive face tattoos.

We often believe that we truly care for the people in our lives, and I think this is because of our attachment to them. We believe that sharing blood, or being a part of the same community is a prerequisite for love. It’s not. Loving others does not come as naturally to us as we think it does, and having connections is not always a result of nurturing. For example, most of us believe that it is natural for mothers to love their children, but unfortunately we know this is not always true. Therefore, we cannot assume that every mother-child relationship is warm. In the same way, I want us to stop assuming that we have loving relationships with the people in our lives just because we are closely connected to them.

I’m not sure I can confidently say that my friends and family didn’t want to love and care for me during the times I made questionable life choices. I suspect that some of them probably did want to inquire about my well-being but didn’t know how to. We’re living in a time where people are hesitant to question others about their lives, out of fear of being perceived as judgemental. This has caused us to become increasingly less truthful with one another; we think that withholding the truth is kind. My impression is that one of the reasons my loved ones were reluctant to question my lifestyle was because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings. This is what we believe love is: avoiding causing displeasure.

I mentioned tattooing my face with the intention of shedding light on my impulsiveness, and where it stemmed from. In 2021, I got over twenty tattoos. During this period, I had mental health issues that led me to pick up many vices—tattooing my body being one of them. I now know that I had made tattoos an idol, to distract me from the issues in my life, and this is why I use tattooing my face as an example of reckless choices I’ve made in the past. Impulsively committing to getting at least one tattoo a month was a result of me being mentally unwell, which I believe was evident when my face became my go-to place to vandalise. There were also many other signs of the state of my mental health, but I believe that my obsession with tattooing my body was one of the biggest.

Earlier, I mentioned that we believe not wanting to cause displeasure is love. I’ve noticed that there is a misconception of love in this world because we often view it as a noun, as opposed to a verb. Contrary to popular belief, love is not a feeling, it’s an action and continuous process. When we say we love someone, we’re often referring to how we feel about them, and not how we treat them. We frequently fail to love one another because we don’t know how to. This is why I am not resentful of anyone who hasn't loved and cared for me, according to the true nature of love.

Like many other people, my view on love is derived from the Bible because I believe that God is the epitome of love. I have personally experienced His love for myself and can testify to the fact that He genuinely loves and cares for me and the rest of humanity. 1 Corinthians 13 speaks of the different qualities of love—protective being one of them. I understand that loving others means protecting them from harm. Through being born-again, I have certainly been protected from harm caused by myself and others. All the qualities of love describe God’s nature perfectly, so I can confidently say that we should be learning how to love from Him.

An aspect of God’s protection is Him revealing truth to us, which offers us freedom. We’ve been deceived to believe that freedom is having the ability to do whatever we desire, but true freedom is having a relationship with your Creator, and walking in the purpose He gave you. If we sincerely intend to love others, the love that we give them should offer authentic freedom, not the false sense of freedom often seen in society. An obvious example of protection that offers freedom is parents restricting their children’s access to places where they could potentially harm themselves. Although their children may get upset and have a tantrum, the parents have demonstrated love to them through protection.

Many are unaware of the harm that can be caused by the lifestyles they support or defend. Some choose to remain uninformed, while others are genuinely ignorant. Either way, it is true that you are passively watching people walk down destructive paths when you refuse to address questionable behaviour. Society has continuously championed unorthodox lifestyles, under the guise of offering people freedom, but maybe we should start questioning why some people’s way of life could be considered unconventional. I previously stated that we don’t ask questions because we don’t want to be perceived as judgemental. This is one of the causes of our flawed perception of love, we are more focused on how people feel about us than trying to improve their well-being. Well-being does not merely refer to our happiness, but also refers to our overall mental, physical, and spiritual health.

“As long as it makes you happy” is a phrase heard way too frequently from people who don’t take the time to inquire about the choices of others. I assert that it’s dangerous to encourage people to do anything just because it makes them feel good. There are countless things people do in pursuit of feeling good that are detrimental, but since they have approval from the multitude, they continue doing them. Can’t we see that placing too much importance on our feelings gives license to degeneracy?

In an ideal world, I wouldn’t be doubting my friends’ and family’s concern for my well-being. I would be able to know that they love me because of how they treat me. It’s a harsh reality, but I cannot say that they did love me at the time of my blatant spiral. With that being said, I forgive them because they didn’t know any better. Love is something revealed to us, and not necessarily something we innately know. So, let us seek it with all our heart.