Nobody Could Have Prepared Me For What Needed Done

When you think of the things you do for your family, there’s one mistake that can lead them into a hellish situation. It’s because no matter how you view things going down, there is always the X-Factor that can’t be planned for, accounted for, or seen ahead of time.

There will come a point in time, hopefully when you’re very old and gray, that your family may have to decide what happens to you. Unfortunately, massive strokes happen and can leave you incapacitated. They are a messy part of life. At 34 my mother asked something of me. It’s an impossible promise to ready yourself for, and one that no child should have to push through.

“When the time comes, I want you to be the one that sees to it that I’m unplugged.”

Essentially, when this is something that’s asked of you, you’re being asked to make sure that a person’s life is ended.

There are a thousand different ways to say it’s the right thing to do. It’s not the right thing to do for you, but rather for the person who’s suffered the event that will rob them of their quality of life. But, can you truly be ready for what that entails?

No, not in my opinion. I had watched many people die by that point in my life. But, to be the one that had to convince my family it was time was something that gutted me from the inside out. Of course, it would have anybody.

In this set of events, however, there were unforeseen circumstances. This is why it’s important to talk to the medical professionals, set clear expectations and plans with them, and advise your family that it’s already been taken care of for them.

What if the doctors can’t say no when asked if there’s any chance of a person coming out of a comatose state? With all the medical science and advancement in the world, when asked for the truth, they simply couldn’t say. Because of the need for a ventilator at the time, there was going to be no follow-up MRI or CAT scan to verify the theory she’d had a stroke.

I looked back at what she’d asked. She asked, “Don’t leave me on machines long,” and, “make sure you’re there for your father and brother.”

With no answers from the doctors that would ever make sense while she was alive, I instructed them to get the documents ready to sign off on them ending my mother's life. I was 35, and it haunted me for many, many years.

As a person dies, strange things happen to their bodies. There are strange reactions, and there is no consistency. I watched my grandfather pass, oddly of a stroke in the same quadrant of the brain that did take my mother. I’d watched several others die.

When my mother passed, I chose to be there until the end. They removed the machines, detached the tube, and things went silent as the hospital priest prayed. And, in those last seconds, I saw my mother's eyes for the first time in the ten days of misery we were all going through. They don't prepare you for the differences of one passing person from another.

At that moment, I doubted that I’d given it long enough. Had I rushed to fulfill my promise? Had I been wrong? Why was it put on me to make sure if she wound up this way that she wouldn’t be left there any longer than the time it would take to get answers? What kind of person acts so swiftly under those circumstances?

Don’t assume that you know what will happen in the future. Take the time now to plan for the worst moments, pave the road so it’s easier to travel for your survivors, and enjoy the time between now and then. It’s a time of great pain, sadness, and struggle. Why make it harder on them than it has to be? Talk to your doctors, set up your final wishes, and let your family know the complicated parts have been taken care of so they can focus on what they need to, saying goodbye and grieving.