No One Warned Me How Lonely Adulthood Could Be

It's Friday night and I'm digging out some leftovers from the fridge, wondering what's new on Netflix this week. This isn't how I thought adulthood would be.

I grew up watching shows like The Golden Girls, Sex in the City, Friends, and all those other sitcoms and dramedies that made being an adult feel fun. They covered the fact that work sucks, but it's necessary. But, what I loved and looked forward to was a set of friends I could count on and hang out with.

I wasn't prepared for just how lonely it is to be an adult. And I know it's not just me.

Even In Crowds, I Still Feel Alone

Even before I started working from home, the office felt like a performance. You go in, you laugh at bad jokes, pretend everything's okay, make sure you don't make waves, and go home. Making friends at work was a terrible idea that just ended up getting me used and fired. So, yeah, that didn't really build trust in a social work environment.

The same thing happens in stores and at community events. I chat with strangers. I do all the things you're supposed to do to make connections.

The result - we both go our separate ways. We're satisfied we've fulfilled some unspoken social obligation.

I'm with people, yet still horribly alone.

We're Taught to Be Independent and That Backfires

Most of us grew up being taught that independence matters more than anything. The adult that truly has it all together is independent and doesn't need anyone.

This creates an unrealistic expectation that we don't need friends. Friends are just something for kids because they're not adults and independent yet.

This makes it harder to open up and share with people. Instead of building meaningful connections, I keep everything surface level like a good little independent adult eating leftovers on a Friday night versus going out.

The "I'll Make Friends When I Have More Time" Myth

Career? Check. Set of goals to achieve? Check. Pressure to do it all as quickly as possible? Check.

What's missing here is free time, hobbies, any real leftover energy, and any interest in doing anything other than lounging on the couch for the few minutes I manage to free up before bed.

Yes, I'm devoting endless hours to my career and moving up. I'm laser focused on my goals.

I tell myself I'll have more time to make friends once everything's accomplished. But, there's always something else to do.

As an adult, loneliness creeps up on you while you're busy trying to be the successful, put together adult you always thought you should be. The problem is you're also missing out on living a fulfilling life.

Putting off having fun, making real connections (beyond networking for work), or embracing hobbies you put aside to be an adult just make you miserable.

Even worse, they make you lonely. I could list numerous accomplishments. But, who do I have to share them with? I'm thrilled to check off my goals. Yet, I still don't have anyone to celebrate with.

It's lonely at the top, even if I'm the adult we're all trained to be.

It's Damn Hard to Make Friends

It's so much easier in school to make friends. You're forced to spend hours every day in classes, extracurricular activities, breaks, and lunches. I know for some, school was absolute hell and making friends was a nightmare. To you, I'm truly sorry and I hope your adult life has made things better.

For me, I wasn't exactly popular, but I didn't have any real trouble making friends. Just the proximity of people who I shared interests with coupled with everyone being around the same age, made talking and hanging out easier.

Now, flash forward to adulthood and it's not so easy. What do we have? Grocery shopping and going to work. Hell, we even have our groceries delivered just to avoid the stress of going out in public.

How are we supposed to meet new people?

Work politics make it dangerous to make friends at work. You might get along well enough, but start hanging out after work and people start to talk.

If you're like me, you're too tired after working, taking care of your home, fixing something to eat, and shopping for food and other necessities, that the last thing you want to do is go out and hope you bump into someone worth talking to.

I've had people, including a therapist, tell me to go to bars. I don't drink. And, I don't want to spend the evening dealing with a bunch of drunks thinking they're entitled to my number, or far more, when I just want to make friends.

I've tried joining classes. Yet, I live in a small town. So, that means there usually aren't that many people showing up. Yes, that's another myth. Even if you live in a small town, everyone isn't automatically friends. In fact, I couldn't even tell you the names of most of the people who live near me. I've said hello, but no one seems interested in doing more than waving back.

Childhood Friends Move On

Just like many others, I'm still connected to many of my childhood friends on social media, or at least I used to be. I deleted my Facebook and Twitter accounts for good back in 2022. Trust me, I wasn't any more lonely without them.

My childhood friends all moved on with their own lives. They moved to different cities, states, and countries. Just because you follow each other social media doesn't make you actual friends. It just feels like window shopping.

As interests change, it's usually difficult to stay friends after high school or college. I still have a few that I check in with now and again, but I think we spend more time making plans we all know we'll never keep than talking about anything.

Loneliness is Part of Adulthood, but You're Not Alone

Let's face it. A TV show about being a lonely adult wouldn't be that popular. Yet, loneliness is an all too common part of being an adult that no one wants to talk about.

I'm here to tell you you're not alone in this feeling. For those of us already dealing with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, we feel this loneliness even worse and it's even more difficult to summon the energy and desire to make friends.

My advice is to just make a tiny effort to be social. Smile at a random person. Say hello to a cashier. Thank a delivery person. Those small acts of human connection do help. Consider joining online communities and chat.

You're not broken and there's nothing wrong with you. We're all just lonely adults trying to navigate this world together.

Why don't we help each other here? Share why you feel lonely as an adult and what you're doing to maybe feel a little less lonely.