Loving Someone in an Abusive Relationship

Most of us would immediately call the authorities to report abuse if we witnessed it, but all too often it is just not that easy. Abusers are crafted in their skill and often two steps ahead of a phone call to the police. If you have been in, or have loved someone in, an abusive relationship, you probably already understand that the complicated dynamics of reporting abuse can leave many of us questioning what we can really do to help.

The truth is there is no one right answer for every situation. Being vigilant about how your actions affect a loved one’s situation, positively or negatively, could possibly help them make that first step toward peace. Getting assistance from a domestic violence agency or hotline is almost always a step in the right direction. However, encouraging someone to find the courage to seek help might be a challenge. Maybe you have already tried and failed at suggesting a loved one seek help, and you feel discouraged or unsure about what you can do to convince them they deserve better.

Here are a few things to consider if you have someone in your life experiencing domestic violence.

Do not judge, never ever ever! If you can’t have the conversation without showing judgement, practice what to say first and how you will react if they are not open to your suggestion. Try your best to talk at a time and in a place where they do not feel threatened or attacked. If this is the first time bringing it up, know they might be startled by or defensive about your inquiry. It is possible their abuser has already told them that they are the problem or crazy, so be gentle in how you tell them you suspect abuse. Allow them time to comprehend your desire to help and your motivation for doing so. Listen, and try not to steer the conversation where you think it should go. Instead, give your friend the space to explore getting help or making a change. Most likely they already feel judged every day. Be wary of asking questions like “Why don’t you just leave?” or making statements like “I don’t know why you put up with it.” Your friend is not you, so do not say things like, “If I were you, I would….”

The journey out of abuse is a long road. Do not try to control the timeline. Walking with a friend in an abusive situation can be a long haul. Encourage them by letting them know that you will be there, even if it takes a long time. Be patient and careful not to set expectations or deadlines that they are unable to live up to. If they say they are going to get help but don’t, ask, “What makes it so hard?”, rather than insisting they do it right now. Do not be upset when they don’t follow through or leave the “next time”.

Saying “I told you so” when their spirits are already down is not helpful. Help them recognize how it’s not right and not normal. Help them see themselves as deserving instead of blame-worthy.

Walk through a plan to be safe next time. If they are apprehensive about committing to a safety plan, discuss what makes it scary or impossible. Assure them you will be there in the next step.

Be trustworthy with information that is shared with you. Seeking advice or discussing a friend’s private information with other people without their knowledge makes you seem untrustworthy. Should you discuss the situation with someone else, be open about it. Ask that person to do the same. It is likely that your friend has a hard time trusting anyone, so be as transparent as possible. Remind them that there are other people who do not want to see them hurt. Domestic Violence hotlines are confidential and a good place to seek advice without it becoming gossipy.

Never justify the behavior but calling their partner names causes confusion and defensiveness.

Explain that not accepting abusive behavior does not mean they do not love that person. Attachments to abusers are real and complicated and won’t be severed by name calling. Don’t scold them if they justify the abuse; instead, help them see how it’s wrong. Don’t dismiss feelings about being unlovable or deserving abuse, but encourage them to see the untruth in those feelings. Assure them that you will still be there for them whatever they choose to do, but that you fear for their safety. Tell them how much you care and remind them of a time they helped you or how they encouraged someone else.

Avoid confrontations. The last thing anyone wants is their partner forbidding your friend to have a relationship with you. We all have things we’d like to say (or do) to abusers, but be careful not to insert a wedge between you and your friend. (That does not mean you look the other way if you witness abuse or make the abuser think you are okay with it.) Look for creative, nonconfrontational ways to communicate. Be aware that once you leave, there’s a good chance the abuser will talk about you. You do not want to cause more tension or suspicion.

Abusers are master manipulators; your good intentions can be construed as an attack on their lies and the world they think they control. Carefully consider every interaction with them and the potential consequences of it when you are not around. Don’t threaten the abuser’s reputation; your friend will be blamed for that behind closed doors. If it’s suggested the abuser dislikes you, don’t become angry. Assure your friend you are okay with it and that you’ll try not to make it worse. Ask why they think their partner feels this way. It may seem like an obvious question, but use the situation to help your friend work through the unhealthy pattern.

Keep a confidential diary of events, conversations, and your suspicions. It may be helpful later. Even if your friend is already doing so, your record of the events will be helpful later if legal action is taken.

Help your friend look forward to a healthy future without projecting your desires of what a healthy future looks like to you. Encourage them not to focus on past mistakes or missed opportunities but to look for hope. Help them to see that positive changes are possible. Ask about their dreams and help look at steps to realizing them and find solutions to roadblocks. If their partner is a roadblock to their dreams, ask them to consider why. Gently point out their partner should want that for them also. This is also a good time to talk to your friend about self-care. Help them to find simple ways to care for themselves. You might consider bringing a meal or quietly helping with a chore. Even though you are committed to walking with your friend through the mess, find ways to lighten the mood and still just be their friend.

Abuse has been happening since long before today’s technology was available. Abusers not only have centuries’ worth of inherited toxic behavior and patterns but also technology to use as a weapon. Never has it been so easy for people to be watched or tracked. Help your friend be aware of the digital world surrounding them. Encourage them to be aware if their partner is watching their social media accounts, reading their messages, or tracking their location. Help them see that unhealthy restrictions about what they are doing, where they are, and who they are with are not normal. Help them to note the differences about someone who is caring for them and someone who is trying to control them.

Take care of yourself. Your friend needs you to be strong. They probably feel guilty for worrying you or others in the past. If they fear it is too much for you to handle, they may close down and not want to bother you. If you yourself have experienced or witnessed trauma in the past, make sure you are dealing with that in healthy ways. Reach out to a counselor to talk about ways you can be a supportive friend and still care for yourself.