Loving More Than One

Society teaches that intimate relationships are meant for two people. You meet, fall in love, get married, have kids, and spend your lives together. Sometimes it works out, other times it doesn’t, and you divorce and move on with other people. I never viewed love and relationships in this narrow-viewed mindset. Growing up as someone who often experienced connections to different people at the same time, regardless of gender, I always felt like something was wrong with me. There were never any books or movies I could connect to because they always portrayed a person who loved more than one as a cheater and villain. I felt ashamed that I could love more than one person at a time in a different way.

When I was 13 years old, I discovered that my best friend had a crush on my boyfriend. I did not see a problem with it. I wasn’t upset or angry with her, instead, I told her that we could ask him if he liked her too, and if he did, we could share him. She looked at me shocked but intrigued by my offering to share my boyfriend with her. We went to my boyfriend next, where we told him she liked him and asked him if he had feelings for her. He looked at me like I was trying to trap him with a loaded question and nervously fumbled trying to figure out how to respond. I told him that we both had feelings for him. Our resolve had been to share him if he had feelings for both of us.

It took a lot of explaining and reassuring for him to realize that I was serious and not upset or angry, not even slightly. There was no jealousy and that began my first polyamorous relationship experience. It was not my last. There were a lot of comments when the three of us would walk through the halls together at school holding hands and when he would kiss us both when walking each of us to class. I ignored them, but my best friend became upset over being called a cheater, freak, and third-wheel. She chose to leave the relationship and shortly after, he and I went our separate ways too.

When I was 16 years old I met the man who would become my husband. I was honest with him from the start because, after my experiences with relationships, I learned how important honesty was — especially for someone who viewed things non-traditionally. One of the first things about myself that I told this new potential partner was that I viewed relationships differently than most. I explained to him that I did not believe everyone was meant to be with just one person. I told him that I could not promise that I would not develop feelings for others or connect to others. I also explained that I did not expect him to avoid connections with other people either.

He accepted this in me and I knew he was someone that I was meant to find. He never tried to change or guilt trip me because of who I was. As our relationship progressed, we both had relationships with other people. We were always honest about our relationship with others. We did not hide that we were married. We just viewed our relationship as an ‘open relationship’. Some people had issues with this, others said they could handle it but they ultimately tried to break him and me up.

After several years of this, my husband sat me down and told me that he had no interest in meeting other people. It just was not for him. I told him that was fine, he did not have to seek out others if he did not want to. I asked him if he wanted me to make the same choice, and he said no. He did not want me to change who I was because it was not who he was. He accepted me because I was still the same person he fell in love with and married. I never actively sought other people, I want to clear that up. I never knew when I would develop a connection to another person and my husband knew that about me.

My husband and I had been together for 8 years (married for 5 of those years) when I met my other life partner. I met him on an online game and fought against the connection I felt for him for several years. I tried to explain it away as being just a ‘sexual’ attraction to him but deep down I knew it was more than that. He knew I was married and I again was honest with him about my views on relationships. After communicating with him over the online game for about 3 years, I finally built the courage to meet him in person. I told my husband that it was just a desire to meet for a sexual encounter and nothing more — that is what I was telling myself as well.

The moment I saw him I knew it was more than just a sexual desire. There was an unbelievably strong connection and I could not deny it. It was a connection different from what I shared with my husband. I struggled a lot over the years because of society viewing relationships like mine as being wrong and immoral. I tried to be with just my husband and deny the connection I felt to this other person. It just resulted in more pain and nearly destroyed my marriage. After several years of struggling and fighting against who I was, I finally learned to embrace that I was different and nothing was wrong with me. I have been married to my husband for 27 years (with him for 30 years) and in a relationship with my boyfriend for 22 years.

I no longer hide who I am. I am grateful to have two amazing men who understand and accept me. I wish that society could evolve to an understanding that monogamy is not the only way to love. Connections can be formed with more than one person on different levels. There is nothing wrong or evil about this. People can love more than one person, it does not diminish the love they feel. Polyamory is not evil or immoral. It exists because love has layers. It isn’t based on a desire to have sex with multiple people. It is all about connections and love.

Originally published on Medium.com https://medium.com/@lunaverity80/loving-more-than-one-a962d66a1954

©Luna Verity 2024