Loved once

You every been so in love with someone you become blind to things that should have been clear as day. Well. If you haven't here's how it went for me. Met the childhood boy who turned out to be a crush that I was too scared to tell that he made me smile just from being near. So that I would write little notes of fantasy to or about because reality made me nervous. Fast forward a few years and never in my wildest dreams I believed that something like this would happen. He kissed me. Yes, right on the lips during the viewing of a movie on a couch in his grandmothers’ apartment. I never knew he even felt anything for me because maybe he was like I was, scared to say what he was thinking. It was nothing like I ever knew before being able to finally tell this now teenager that I was so crazy about him. Nope. I never worked up the nerve to tell him he made me crazy, but I did get out that I liked him. I was all smiles and butterflies in the stomach for a year even giving away the most precious thing a young female teen would have in her life. Or so she though back then when life as an adult wasn’t even an afterthought. Man, I loved him and pictured my life with him but as a teenager I wasn’t one to stick around for things that wasn’t healthy. Where was the mindset of that teenager as I got older? Back on topic. When I decided that this relationship wasn’t worth the arguments and stupid everything, I broke it off. It wasn’t like we were apart for long or together either until he decided that our limbo relationship was too much, he left the state. He had become my first everything. And if you haven’t once again experienced this, it is the worst especially when for me everything was compared to that one relationship with the teenage boy who stole my heart.

Now there I was eighteen years old still navigating my life through blurred glasses because I had gotten myself into a relationship. Too bad it was wasted time on his part because I didn’t know how to get myself out of my own head. I was extremely shy and had no idea how to let anybody else in. Oh, he was such a nice guy so sweet and such a teddy bear if I had to do over that part of my life, I wouldn’t have been so standoffish towards him. But hey the past is the past for a reason right. Crazy part is we were actual together for two years but drifted apart and remained friends afterwards for a while until we eventually just stopped speaking to one another. The good part about that was I wasn’t sad he made me happy for whatever we had going on with us and it was a great thing.

FAST FORWARD seven years later and I was a born-again virgin. Now we know that’s not possible but the only way to say I grew cobwebs between my thighs because I never had sex since the last time, I lost it. Yes, you guess correct even while I was dating the teddy bear, I was too chicken shit to have sex with him. As I got older, I couldn’t stop thinking about my first love and wondering what he was doing with himself. If it was meant to be, I’m not sure but there he was back in my life just not in the capacity that I had dreamed of many times before. Once more fantasy was playing a major role in my life at this moment. All that time apart felt like nothing changed in my heart for him and it sucked. He was with someone and they had a child together. I backed away and didn’t bother to try at it again. A few months later they went from a were to a weren’t. I wasn’t sure how I really felt back then finding out she had left with the child and he was back to single. It was hard to believe that the relationship could just end especially knowing they were together for a while and just had a child together. Signs. Yeah, I should have paid attention to signs.

We decided to make a go at it again, but I had to make sure that they were over for good. After a few attempts at getting them within the same vicinity and room it became clear that it was over. I know your like girl you stupid why would you do that. I was truly blinded by trust at this point. We ended up staying together for ten years after that. But I don't think we ever let go of the person we once knew. Towards the end I allowed things to manifest not because I didn't see it, I was so in love with just being with him that these fog glasses never cleared up. I trusted him way more then I should have and that was my downfall. Placing your trust in people that you think wouldn’t hurt you and in those you try to give the benefit of the doubt to. My what the fuck moment came when he decided to end things while I was six months pregnant with his second child. Signs. Dickhead move yup. He immediately started seeing a younger chick whom I trusted way too much and knew deep down that I shouldn't have. I don't know maybe....nope I was stupid. They took something from me that I will never get back and It does make me angry that because of this I have to shield my internal self off from certain people.

That was four years ago, and I’ve grown mentally from that experience and gained a whole lot of mistrust in other people not so much that I’m deterred from meeting new people. I just don’t give them much access into my personal life anymore. I loved once so much that I never looked closely to the signs and it blinded me to the trust I held leaving me still not ready to fully date again.